For welcoming Jennifer Anniston’s honesty about her struggle to have children

[RhubarbRocks]

www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-63576100

As someone who went though multiple rounds of unsuccessful IVF in my late 30s and early 40s it’s good to see this normalised in the news. It sometimes feels very isolating when you can’t have children (not least here when it’s sometimes questioned why childless women are here - I joined during ivf and have stayed for all the other non child related chats!)

So not really an AIBU but maybe a question/observation about the assumptions we make about whether a woman does/doesn’t have children.

Why the hell was my comment deleted? I pointed out the awful and outrageous thing that @JessicaTooManyRabbits said about the personality of the poor woman who didn’t manage to have children??

I don't really understand how it could be interpreted that JA didn't have DC because of her career when her co star Kudrow had her son 4 years into friends. Having him didn't affect her career at all. It was written into the script as I'm sure any pregnancy of JA's would have been.

JA was 29 then. She'd been in a LTR with Tate Donovan.

I'm not blaming her for her choices. But it's daft to say taking contraception isn't a conscious choice.

But there are other factors that go on in Hollywood we never find out for decades. Like STDs causing infertility. Abortions. Coerced and otherwise. Assumptions about sexuality.

Given BP's drug use it is more likely that he had a low sperm count.

That would explain the no babies with JA and twins with AJ.

Stop.

what is this thread

What could of been an interesting thread has been ruined by idle celeb tittle tattle about an ex husband and his next wife.

It actually disgusting that a thread on infertility has turned to this.

The main poster is neurodivergent, I feel this is worth repeating, as it can explain the heightened interest that is displayed in JA.

Yes

Is there ? I've not seen that.

You can still have basic manners and understand a topic. How insulting.

BINGO

I think @Tippexy was talking about Jennyfromtheblock there, not the jessicarabbit poster?

I found the discussion around JA’s infertility and the issues surrounding it quite interesting. Like you I am less impressed by the way the Brad ‘n’ Jen gossip has been allowed to take over thanks to the same couple of posters. I’m not generally in favour of thread policing, but in this case I think it should be shut down as it’s been thoroughly derailed. 😡

@JessicaTooManyRabbits

literally no one agree with u

You with your ONE experience of ONE child are right. Makes sense

But I'm not talking only from my experience of my child. I know adopters/adoptees, I've read the research etc - hence I say that not all adoptive children suffer trauma but you insist they do. It's no wonder childless people are reluctant to look into adoption when people insist on painting all children in care as "damaged" - which they are not.

think it’s more a case that they don’t have unrealistic expectations or aren’t as flighty around men or don’t have the difficulty developing strong feelings for men who aren’t their dreamed of ideal (if they even have one) that the women who “don’t settle” and end up alone have.

I found a man who was interested enough in me to marry me in my 20's. I thought I'd won the lottery.

Then he started abusing me physically, mentally and financially.

Luckily I ignored the idiots who told me that having a baby would magically change him. Luckily for me I also wasn't fussed about having kids.

I'm 48 now and still not fussed about having kids but if I had been, then it wasn't about my high expectations about some dream man, or being too flighty. It was that I had standards and those standards included not being abused by a complete and utter shit.

Stop being so fucking naive and judging women who you don't know for not having your fairytale ending.

Yes, indeed. That other thread is just bullshit isn't it.

Of course we are judged and of course we know we are judged, pitied, looked down on. Oh and now we are also in the wrong for not settling for a sperm donor and wanting more from our relationships.

In answer to the op's first post - yes, I think it's good to hear a celebrity discuss their struggles to conceive, particularly someone who went through years of trying and treatments and ultimately did not have a child. There are lots of examples of people speaking out about their ivf after it's worked for them, and probably many examples of famous women who have become mothers later on as a result of some kind of fertility treatment/adoption who are not open about what they went through. Nor should they have to be, but I think it does sometimes give the casual observer the impression that anyone who wants a child can have one nowadays, which simply isn't the case.

I appreciate all the posts from people sharing their own experiences of infertility, being child free/childless and adoption. Sadly, I recognise some names from many months spent on the conception/infertility boards and I'm sorry that things haven't worked out for some of you. I went through two failed full rounds of ivf myself and thought it may well never work. If it hadn't, I would have needed to hear stories about other women, like Jennifer, who had wanted, but not had children and had eventually managed to come to terms with it and go on to find fulfilment in other areas of their life. Even now at 39 weeks pregnant, it is hard for me to write assuming that all will be well and I will actually have a child in my arms soon - like many women who have experienced infertility I am terrified it will all be snatched away still.

Many of the posts have also demonstrated the ops point about the amount of speculation and judgement women who don't have children are subject to, particularly if they are open about having wanted them. I started trying to conceive at age 35 and like all women, my timing was based on a myriad of complex, considered and very personal reasons. I haven't even discussed these with most of my closest friends, so it's quite eye-opening to see how many conclusions strangers will draw about the family planning choices of women in general and specific women they have never met.
Wishing everyone fulfilment and contentment and freedom from the ignorant judgment of others whatever path you're on

This is such an intelligent comment.

it says it all really. Women can’t win. Now more than ever.

She didnt even want them when she was with Brad!

Well if you're lending an ear please don't use the 'I only need to drop my knickers and I'm pregnant'. I used to hear that shit all the time. Women gleefully threw that in, even when 'lending an ear'.

Read the room. You really didn't need to say that but you couldn't help yourself.

Hear bloody hear.

You really need to get a life. I'm reading through this thread and you keep popping up derailing the thread acting like you know this woman. Speaking of trawling fan pages etc. She'd have you up in court for stalking if she stumbled across this thread.

Late to reply as it’s hard to face this thread.

thank you for you well wishes @mikado1

I agree with this 100%.

I met DH through work but we would never have met online as my parameters would have filtered him out 😆

I have friends who are incredibly specific about the type of man they want - handsome, tall, rich, funny, generous, ambitious yet wanting to settle down. We’re early 30s now, pickings are slim and much as I love my friends, they’re not Kate Middleton.

The ones who were more open minded and not so specific about ‘criteria’ have all found good matches.

I was looking for a man who treated with me with respect and affection having experienced men who didn’t. I don’t think that is too much to ask, in fact it’s the least one should expect. I met him at 29 but we couldn’t have children. However we are still happily married. Is it my fault because I didn’t choose to settle down, or because I didn’t choose to leave him and find another man to try to have children with?