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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent putting all my savings into a house deposit when DH has none

217 replies

CaffeineFreeEarlGrey · 10/11/2022 06:49

So we are buying a house, and need a 15% deposit. I worked hard for years, and I need to put most of my savings into the deposit. My DH has hardly any savings, and I feel he is taking it for granted that I'm using my savings. He will pay equally for monthly payments.
I am nervous that we are making a mistake buying a house. We live in the UK where interest rates are going up. I'm scared that I'll lose my life savings if property prices fall. DH has no such fears. I wonder if he would be more nervous if he had to put his own hard earned savings into it?
I don't resent him for not having the savings I do, but I resent him for being so blasé about a huge life decision. I'm so scared that property prices will tank, and I'll lose my life savings. I feel that because he's not putting any of his own savings into this, it's like monopoly money to him. I wonder if he would be more fearful of the potential pitfalls of buying a house with rising interest rates if it was his hard earned savings at risk?
Then again, I love him dearly. He is a good DH in general. And I don't know if there is ever a good time to buy a house. AIBU not only for resenting his blasé attitude to the potential risks of buying a UK house right now, but also, AIBU for buying a house right now at all. Is that a stupid financial decision? He argues that we'd lose money on rent, so even if we lost a bit of money on buying, we wouldn't lose any more than we'd lose on renting...

OP posts:
sorrynotathome · 10/11/2022 06:53

Your post actually contradicts the title. If you’re a team it doesn’t matter who puts the money down. What matters is that you don’t overreach yourselves on the mortgage in case interest rates rise, one of you loses job etc.

megletthesecond · 10/11/2022 06:55

"Good DH in general" makes him sound like he probably isn't.

Outtasteamandluck · 10/11/2022 06:56

Do you have any concerns about the relationship?

Unfortunately as you're married if you were to split he's entitled to half of it.

I think buying is better than renting.

borderterrierr · 10/11/2022 06:57

Well if you don't want to do it then don't but you don't be able to buy a house..

If you're a team does it matter it's all 'yours' maybe get him to sign that if you divorce he'll have no claim on the house?

HarvestThyme · 10/11/2022 06:57

How old are you? Where are you living now? Renting? How long have you been married? Are you both in stable employment? Could you afford the mortgage if interest rates rose by 2%?

EternalStench · 10/11/2022 06:57

How about he pays more for the monthly payments and you build up some savings again?

euff · 10/11/2022 06:57

What is the reason he has no savings? Was his income too low and necessary living expenses too high or he just frittered his money away. It would worry me a bit that he's put nothing away at least from the time you've talked about buying together. I think it's very different to have scrimped and saved to have had it handed to you in a platter.

It took me and my DH a long time to save for our 15% deposit. I don't think he would have had a clue to think about it before wanting to do it if you see what I mean. I did put in more than him for the deposit but a decade on he now puts in more than me with the mortgage. I set up a spreadsheet for us with our savings targets and decided how much each of us were putting away for it. It was eye opening for him and meant we eventually got on the property ladder. I had to steer him that way a lot at the beginning with all finances but now he does it himself.

Can you ask your solicitor to draw up your ownership to protect your deposit should anything happen?

Have you talked about how finances will be managed going forward especially if there are any changes in circumstances? There should always if possible be some kind of savings buffer for job loss/ maintenance etc

SudocremOnEverything · 10/11/2022 06:58

why does he have no savings? Is it that he earns less than you, or does he just spend all his money rather than saving any?

That probably makes a difference to how you feel about it.

RedHelenB · 10/11/2022 06:58

You sound overly anxious. Try to be more relaxed like your dh.

Mindymomo · 10/11/2022 06:59

Where do you live at the moment, do you rent now. I never get it when husbands and wife’s have separate money. When we purchased our first property I put in 1/6th of the deposit, DH paid the rest as he had more savings, there was never any suggestion of being resentful, we just needed every penny for deposit. Over the years I saved my money but we spend DH money on all bills, mortgage etc, but it’s our money, not just mine. Nobody knows what will happen with property prices and interest rates, but I think buying is still better than renting.

StrewthMarge · 10/11/2022 07:00

Yes. Why doesn't he pay more monthly until you can build up your savings again?

AloysiusBear · 10/11/2022 07:01

Is there a reason he has no savings? If its just that he earns less but tries his best, not as much of an issue. If its that he is crap with money, more of an issue.

Reallybadidea · 10/11/2022 07:01

Marriage is a financial partnership. That is literally the point of it. Why did you get married if you don't want to share your money with him?

LovelyBitOfSquirrel69 · 10/11/2022 07:02

You've had some really bad advice so far. Get your deposit ringfenced and an agreement written up that should anything happen, that money is yours.

empireemmy · 10/11/2022 07:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the poster.

GiantWotsit · 10/11/2022 07:05

I think it's par for the course in a marriage. When we got together dh earned far more than I did and had savings, I had none. We wouldn't have been able to have bought our first flat without him putting down the deposit. Fast forward 15 years and we've just bought a house which neither of us would be able to afford without the other plus I earn significantly more than him and will be over paying the mortgage with some lump sums I have coming my way. I don't resent it. And he didn't resent it 15 years ago.

On saying that I do know a couple where she used her life savings to put a deposit down on their dream home and she saw a solicitor and drew up some sort of protection that she gets that back plus half of the equity if they ever got divorced.

Onthecuspofabreakthrough · 10/11/2022 07:05

I think it's unlikely you'll lose money on a house if you stay there for a reasonable period of time (ie don't sell in the next few years). I often hear people talking about ring fencing their deposit - if you stay together, that won't mean anything but if you split up you'll get your deposit back before the rest is split between you (but only if this is set up legally in advance!)

luxxlisbon · 10/11/2022 07:08

What exactly do you expect him to do to show he isn’t being blasé about it though? Cry with stress? Talk about how worried he is all the time?
It sounds like actually you are resentful that is isn’t contributing to the deposit as much as you are and this is how that resentment is manifesting.

Your life savings would also dwindle away inflation but you don’t mention that.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/11/2022 07:10

I would feel the same, especially if there is no reason he shouldn't have savings. It would also bother me that he is casual about the fact you are giving up all the money you have built up through years of painful saving - I would want some recognition of that tbh.

I don't think you will lose by buying though, it is just a big step and natural to be nervous.

TabithaTittlemouse · 10/11/2022 07:11

My Dh has saved for a deposit because I pay the bills. I don’t resent him for having savings, it works well for both of us.
He does the big things, I do day to day.

Ekátn · 10/11/2022 07:19

Op what’s the plan for the savings if you don’t buy a house?

If you have been married for a reasonable length of time and then divorced, those savings would go in the communal pot anyway.

The decision about wether the time is right to buy now is a slightly separate issue. You need to decide that.

When you marry you legally share finances. It’s only yours at the moment as you have kept it separate. I would feel similar to you. But that’s why I won’t get married or a buy a house with someone in these circumstances. That’s not helping you though. But I just wanted you know I do understand the feeling.

I think that you need to decide if now is the right time to buy and then talk to him about his attitude to money and how it’s causing Bad feeling. if it’s not sorted now, it will likely cause problems in the future. And, as I said, in divorce you could find it still gets a huge chunk of money that you worked for that he has never contributed to.

Original poster
CaffeineFreeEarlGrey · 10/11/2022 07:23

megletthesecond · 10/11/2022 06:55

"Good DH in general" makes him sound like he probably isn't.

He's a greatl husband, and I'm very lucky (sorry, a good DH in general wasn't strong enough). I don't at all blame him for not having the same deposit I do. He is 5 years younger than me, and in a different industry. But I do wonder if he'd be more risk-averse or wary of the potential cons of the investment if it was his money. For him, it's a bit like buying a monopoly house. For me, I'm thinking that this real money could turn into negative equity if the housing market crashes

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 10/11/2022 07:24

There is never a 'good' time to buy a home. You only really find out in hindsight.

My advice is to buy somewhere which you can imagine staying in for a number of years. Don't look at it as an investment from the start. It may drop in value but then in all likelihood it will recover.

We bought our first house in 1991. Property prices then bombed. We were in negative equity for a number of years.

But it didn't matter. The house met our needs. We stayed there for 9 years. By the time we moved on house prices had recovered. We bought the house we are in now in 2006. Property prices then slumped. But again it didn't matter because what we bought was a home.

AutumnCrow · 10/11/2022 07:24

Doesn’t necessarily matter that they’re married. They are ways of preserving savings and assets in the event of divorce. House deposits being one, especially savings held going into the marriage.

Talk to a solicitor, @CaffeineFreeEarlGrey. Some of the advice on here is inaccurate and misleading, and your circumstances are unique to you.

I do however think the posters asking if/why your husband is crap with money have a point.

GemLettuce · 10/11/2022 07:26

House prices in the UK won't "tank" - you're making a sound financial investment and getting a home.

Get DH on Dave Ramsey's Baby Steps. He's an adult-a homeowner now so needs emergency fund etc.