To resent putting all my savings into a house deposit when DH has none

[CaffeineFreeEarlGrey]

So we are buying a house, and need a 15% deposit. I worked hard for years, and I need to put most of my savings into the deposit. My DH has hardly any savings, and I feel he is taking it for granted that I'm using my savings. He will pay equally for monthly payments.
I am nervous that we are making a mistake buying a house. We live in the UK where interest rates are going up. I'm scared that I'll lose my life savings if property prices fall. DH has no such fears. I wonder if he would be more nervous if he had to put his own hard earned savings into it?
I don't resent him for not having the savings I do, but I resent him for being so blasé about a huge life decision. I'm so scared that property prices will tank, and I'll lose my life savings. I feel that because he's not putting any of his own savings into this, it's like monopoly money to him. I wonder if he would be more fearful of the potential pitfalls of buying a house with rising interest rates if it was his hard earned savings at risk?
Then again, I love him dearly. He is a good DH in general. And I don't know if there is ever a good time to buy a house. AIBU not only for resenting his blasé attitude to the potential risks of buying a UK house right now, but also, AIBU for buying a house right now at all. Is that a stupid financial decision? He argues that we'd lose money on rent, so even if we lost a bit of money on buying, we wouldn't lose any more than we'd lose on renting...

With inflation as it is there is zero point in keeping savings back when a larger deposit reduces the amount borrowed (and therefore interest being paid).

I can see your concern, OP. Only you can make that decision. Property prices are looking likely to fall, but always come up in the end, so if the property you are wanting to purchase will be a long term home, you will be fine. We were trapped in negativity equity in the early 90’s we eventually managed to sell in 2000. Good luck.

Can you ring fence your savings should anything happen and you leave your dh (don't know if it's possible as you're married). It's always scary buying a house, especially in this economic environment. You won't lose your life savings as house prices will always go back up, as long as you always pay your mortgage

Fucking charming!

I paid the entire deposit (25k 22 years ago) on our first house as I came from a much wealthier background than my DH and he had very little savings. Never occurred to me to be worried about this as we were married and a team. DH now earns 3x what I earn and paid the mortgage entirely on his own for years when I was a SAHP and then when I was working p/t. I think you should be exploring why this is making you feel uncomfortable. What are your plans if you have kids? Your DH is younger than you so is his career trajectory behind yours? Does he have a pension and is he saving money now or are you worried because he's rubbish with money generally?

It sounds like this is not about the money. You don’t mind that you’re putting more in. It’s about the fact you’re worrying and fretting and he’s not.

You’ve connected this to the fact the deposit isn’t his money but as PP said, maybe he just isn’t a worrier? Or maybe he is comfortable that you both like the house and so can stay in it through any negative equity periods? Are his earnings likely to increase (you said he is younger), if so maybe that also makes him less likely to worry as it provides another cushion?

I understand he may seem cavalier but it could just be that he has considered fears at the time of making the offer and got over them, and now the decision is made he isn’t overthinking it. Quite a good trait to have especially if you are a worrier or an overthinker yourself.

I don’t agree with the PP who say you’re being mean/bad wife etc, I don’t think they’ve read your posts properly.

HNRTT but perhaps try and unpack your 'monopoly money' concerns about DH not contributing to the deposit from your anxiety about future prospects for house prices. If you see the purchase as a long term home, short to medium term price falls might feel slightly differently. You my think you';ll wish you waited, equally rent will be obviated. Good luck.

My husband bought us a house (not in UK) 20 years ago and did not shut up about it for one single day of those 20 years.

I am divorcing him now. He has changed the locks on the bloody house to prevent his young DD and I entering.

I will end up with half and he will die alone.

Resentment is hideous. Buy the house and mean it or do not. Marriage, as a pp said, is a financial contract.

Extreme example but you get my point.

You sound rather sour. I paid all my savings for our first house deposit Dh was 3 years behind me age wise so hadn’t accrued much. Didn’t give it a second thought. We’re a team. I was then a sahm for 6 years which he was brilliantly supportive of and is now the highest earner though I’m catching up. We are a team otherwise what is the point of being married?

I would try not to use all your savings just in case you need big things like a new boiler.

But from my experience when I bought at the top of the market years ago, I went virtually straight into negative equity. But I had no plans to sell and when I did sell 15 years later, I made money.

I think you are right to be cautious. I can still remember all the repossessions and huge mortgages. Can you ring fence your deposit so if you did split up you would get that back?

Do you both earn the same?

I think there are two separate issues going on here.

The first is about finances - you're contributing more, saving more etc. That's something you shoudl take a long hard look at, especially if you want children. If you're married, there needs to be some parity. So, for example, you've saved and he hasn't. is that purely because he has had a less well paid career and is younger? Or is t because he b lows money on silly things and as a result as less to save?

The second is about the risk of buying a house. I was surprised to read you're 37 because to be honest, you sound quite immature re the house buying thing. Ultimately, you have to pay to live somewhere. If you rent, you have less stability and have zero chance of ever recouping any of that money. If you buy, you are safe in that home and, assuming your mortgage is not interest only (a terrible idea - always ensure you pay the capital too), over time you are gaining an asset. Even if that property decreases in value (very unlikely over the long term), you nonetheless will eventually be able to sell it and recoup some of the money you have spent in mortgage payments. If rent is much much cheaper than a mortgage then there might be an argument for investing the difference between a rental payment and a mortgage, but personally, for the stability and security of your actual home, I would not.

IMO part of the whole idea of marriage involves being open to paying an unequal share of costs - if required - for the larger long term benefit of the relationship. In the context of a (hopefully) 40+ year relationship with a life partner, a deposit of say 10k isn’t all that big a deal.

But I agree, you should do your sums re.house prices. Most economists think this time next year most housing stock will have plummeted circa 10%. I’d be tempted to wait until the end of next year.

Ring fence your deposit. It works if you're not married, and might work if the marriage is short lived

Why settle for average?

The only circumstances in which I wouldn’t be willing to out contribute a life partner would be if they were lazy/unambitious/unmotivated in terms of work, domestic chores, relationship etc etc. But then why marry someone like that in the first place.

But what do you want him to do? Say you shouldn't buy because prices might go down? What is the benefit of him being more risk-averse in this situation? You are married, so you are a union and who is putting what in is not really relevant. If the price of your house goes down, so does everyone elses, if you go into negative equity then you wait it out. I'm guessing you are buying to live somewhere for at least a number of years.

I bought a place at the beginning of the year, it has now gone down in value by about 7%, but it doesn't matter to me because I am not planning on moving so it's irrelevant at this point. If I were to move it would be within the same city I am in, so those places will have also lost about the same in value.

Agree it is about how you have savings vs him. If his income has funded a large share of living costs while yours has been saved then effectively it is joint. If you had it saved pre-marriage or because you were more frugal it might make sense to reflect it in your title.

Only on MN. If the husband has money or savings, it’s FAMILY MONEY and the wife should be able to spend it as and when she pleases or he’s a tight bastard or financially abusive. If the wife has money she should “ringfence” it so the greedy bastard doesn’t get his grubby hands on it 😂🙄.

@CaffeineFreeEarlGrey just buy it as "Tenants in Common" rather than joint owners, with you owning a greater than 50% stake to reflect your deposit. However, if you do this, he may question the atrangement further down the line, for example if he contributes more to the mortgage after you start a family.

You're either in it together, for richer or poorer, or you keep your finances separate. You just need to decide.

How would you feel if it was the other way around : he had the savings but he didn't want to put it into your future ?

I owned a flat alone for 5 years 2005 - 2010. That was a horrible time (2008/9 banking crash). I sold for 2.5k more than I bought for (so roughly even when legal fees considered). Some might consider that a failure. But I think if the rent I didn’t pay. £500/month at that time for five years is £30k!!!

Buy somewhere you can stay for 5-10 years minimum and not an expensive service charge or a new build in a saturated area it’s probably ok.

what Would be the benefit of your dh stressing and being anxious too? Sounds like you’ve got cold feet and want him to agree with you to not buy.

I put down all my savings into a. 15% deposit and my husband put nothing down as he also had no savings due to a low paid job for around a decade whilst doing additional training. He pays 65% of the mortgage and I pay 35% to balance this out, especially as he now earns more than myself. I also think he doesn't quite understand the reality of saving, putting all this money into deposits etc. but we are a team and it has worked out for us.

Of course it bloody matters.
"You're a team" is just words.
As is "thanks for the hefty deposit, I want a divorce & my 50% equity now please."

As we're a few pages in, I won't bang on about lawyers & ringfencing, as plenty of PP will also have said something sensible to that effect.