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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want a sibling for our 4 year old but DH doesn’t want anymore

207 replies

Mangoandcoconut · 08/11/2022 17:12

As the title states.

I want our 4 year old DS to have a sibling but DH doesn’t want anymore.
Our son is suspected ASD/ADHD but definitely ND in some way.

We aren’t in a great financial position. But I think we could manage with one more. We have a spare bedroom too.

Anyway, he’s adamant he doesn’t want to do it again. The sleepless nights, the potty training, the colic, weaning and all the rest of it.

I don’t know where to go from here.
The thought of him not having a sibling makes me really sad…I have a brother who I was close to growing up and my DH has a brother and sister. So neither of us know what it’s like having no siblings.
I’m worried he’ll be lonely and have no one to play with as he grows up.

OP posts:
YellowTreeHouse · 08/11/2022 17:14

YABU. He’s said no and that’s the end of it.

So you either have to accept that and move on, or break up this family in the hopes of one day finding someone else to have another with.

Having a sibling is never a guarantee they’ll get on anyway and you should never have another just so they won’t be lonely.

mn29 · 08/11/2022 17:16

Did you talk about how many children you wanted before settling down into a serious relationship/marriage? If he’s always said only one then fair enough but if he’s changed his mind that seems unreasonable if you’ve always wanted more and that was agreed on.

BabyGrooverBug · 08/11/2022 17:17

If two was agreed up front he's being unreasonable. If not you are.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/11/2022 17:18

Hard facts:
person who wants to stop having children win
a 5+yr age gap, you are unlikely to get the benefit of siblings playing together

sorry to say but you need to come to terms with it. Family isn’t just siblings, cousins, aunts etc.

MollieMarie · 08/11/2022 17:18

Your DH doesn't want any more so that's that, really.

There's plenty of positives to being an only child, and there's no guarantee siblings will get on anyway.

Also, your son is ND so being able to give him your undivided support will be a huge plus for him.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/11/2022 17:19

BabyGrooverBug · 08/11/2022 17:17

If two was agreed up front he's being unreasonable. If not you are.

Give over. Everyone has the right to change their mind about having more children.

Softplayhooray · 08/11/2022 17:21

OP PLEASE do not make this about saying you want to give your child a sibling. YOU want another child, and that's why you want another child. Not to selflessly gift a sibling to your son. There's enough cases of sibling abuse, siblings hating each other, and great stats about how only kids bond better with their parents to make that a redundant argument. Also there's be at least a 5 year age gap which might mean the kids have very little in common. Sure they might be best mates but they might have nothing in common or even hate eachother.

Own the fact you want a child for whatever reason. It's ok. But you can't do it if your partner is dead against it, and you can't pretend it's a selfless act for your son.

Mommabear20 · 08/11/2022 17:22

Another kid is no guarantee that your DS won't be lonely! I have a brother and sister, much closer in age than your gap would be, and none of us get along AT ALL! Never have. And if your DH is being honest and saying he doesn't want anymore, you can't force him and he's actually being responsible by telling you. YABU

Youdoyoutoday · 08/11/2022 17:23

But think of the age gap too, I have a 3yo dd and a 8yo ds!
Jesus Christ, the noise of them squabbling, completely different interests, ds moaning dd got more attention whilst I was breast feeding (we had plenty of 1 to 1 time and still do), I think I can count on one hand the times they have actually played nicely together in the past year.

Personally, I think your ship has sailed on that

Blowyourowntrumpet · 08/11/2022 17:25

YABU

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 08/11/2022 17:26

Do you actually want another child or are you just worried about your dc not having a sibling? It isn't very clear from your post, but I wouldn't ever recommend having a second dc merely as an accessory for the first. You're talking about creating a new human life... the least that a child should be able to expect is that they are wanted by both parents in their own right, and not for what they could offer to another child.

My dd is an only child, not through choice but through secondary infertility. I used to worry about it, but if I could go back now and change things, I wouldn't. She has absolutely thrived as an only child, has incredible social skills and is never lonely. She has also benefitted enormously from our undivided attention and resources.

If your Dh doesn't want another baby, then that's his right to feel that way. All you can decide is whether you want to stay in the marriage on that basis or whether you would prefer to split and have another child with someone else. You can not and should attempt to pressure him into having a child that he doesn't want.

ChaosMoon · 08/11/2022 17:29

I'm in your position. But, though it breaks my part, I do think it's right that either parent has absolute very when it comes to having kids.

DH knew that I wanted 2, but I still don't think he's unreasonable not to want 2 now. A lot has changed since DD was born and his feelings are good feelings. He actually said we could go ahead anyway if it's what I really want, but I then said no, because both parents have to be all in.

Yes, I am incredibly upset. But it is what it is and I will come to terms with it. Because I'd rather the 3 of us were happy than bring another baby into the mix and DH not be happy. If that happened, I don't think any of us would be, ultimately.

Chikapu · 08/11/2022 17:29

Why are you putting all this onto your son, just admit you want another child for yourself. Having a sibling isn't the be-all and end all of life, in fact, for some children it's fucking awful.

SleeplessInEngland · 08/11/2022 17:32

Either you both want another or it shouldn’t happen.

10storeylovesong · 08/11/2022 17:35

I have a DS9 who has just been referred to ND pathway for suspected ASD/ADHD. He's always been high needs. I was desperate for another child, both for him and for me. We struggled with secondary infertility and it took us 4 years (and many miscarriages) to conceive DS4. Although they love each other at heart (for now) they are very different characters and the age gap doesn't help at all and they fight and argue constantly, sometimes physically. Tbh, it's hard work. DS9 doesn't sleep and he keeps DS4 awake so we get no evenings to ourselves. No one will baby sit them as they argue so much together and DS9 is just very difficult. Obviously I love them both with all my heart and would never be without either of them, but it probably would have been better for DS9 to be an only as his brother is his ultimate trigger for his aggressive behaviour.

roarfeckingroarr · 08/11/2022 17:35

Depends what you want more. This particular man or another child.

In your position, I would consider leaving and having another.

hesbeingabitofadick · 08/11/2022 17:36

YABVU.
He's one and done.
You have to respect that.

10storeylovesong · 08/11/2022 17:36

Sorry DS5 - it's been a long day and I'm sleep deprived!

SerenaTee · 08/11/2022 17:37

The person who doesn’t want more children gets the deciding vote. The person who wants another child gets to decide if it’s a dealbreaker for them the relationship.

Oldsinglemilennial · 08/11/2022 17:37

At 5+ years there won't really be a childhood sibling bond, and going back to the drawing board from a lengthy time off is exhausting. I'm team husband here

Chikapu · 08/11/2022 17:38

roarfeckingroarr · 08/11/2022 17:35

Depends what you want more. This particular man or another child.

In your position, I would consider leaving and having another.

Why do people always say this? Would you really break up your marriage and family on the off chance that you might meet someone else who wants to have kids with you just because you didn't get your own way?

SleeplessInEngland · 08/11/2022 17:39

roarfeckingroarr · 08/11/2022 17:35

Depends what you want more. This particular man or another child.

In your position, I would consider leaving and having another.

Given she wants another child with this man we can probably infer she’s happy enough with his fathering, so tearing the family apart to create more family is rather self-defeating.

thelobsterquadrille · 08/11/2022 17:41

BabyGrooverBug · 08/11/2022 17:17

If two was agreed up front he's being unreasonable. If not you are.

Would you say the same to a woman who changed her mind and only wanted one after all?

Naunet · 08/11/2022 17:42

hesbeingabitofadick · 08/11/2022 17:36

YABVU.
He's one and done.
You have to respect that.

That’s a little harsh. OP can’t help her desire for another child anymore than he can help his desire not to.

Ekátn · 08/11/2022 17:44

You can’t have another child because you think your existing child might benefit, if the other parent doesn’t want one.

What I’d the kids don’t get on? Or your husband gives in them really resents you pressuring him into it and you split?

Theres loads of ways, having a 2nd child may not benefit your existing child.