I want a sibling for our 4 year old but DH doesn’t want anymore

[Mangoandcoconut]

As the title states.

I want our 4 year old DS to have a sibling but DH doesn’t want anymore.
Our son is suspected ASD/ADHD but definitely ND in some way.

We aren’t in a great financial position. But I think we could manage with one more. We have a spare bedroom too.

Anyway, he’s adamant he doesn’t want to do it again. The sleepless nights, the potty training, the colic, weaning and all the rest of it.

I don’t know where to go from here.
The thought of him not having a sibling makes me really sad…I have a brother who I was close to growing up and my DH has a brother and sister. So neither of us know what it’s like having no siblings.
I’m worried he’ll be lonely and have no one to play with as he grows up.

@Greenshake you said "Not everyone is as fortunate." What has that got to do with the OP then?

*what to do

Horrible advice. Tricking someone you claim to love into fathering a child they have explicitly said they do not want and framing it as just being "proactive" is bordering on psychopathic.

Don’t be daft. People are allowed to change their minds from the informed position of actually being parents.

DH and I agreed on at least 2 DC, if not more. However after a horrendous pregnancy and birth he feels strongly that we’re one and done. I see his point of view and won’t be blackmailing him to have another based on assumptions we made years ago.

I have a one-year-younger brother with autism and a learning disability. We don't have a sibling relationship at all. I'm more his carer than his sister. There are no guarantees that siblings will have a relationship.

I think this is a good point. If DS is neurodiverse they may not thank you for a sibling - introducing a noisy, baby into a household with a child with sensory issues can be very challenging.

You need to decide if you’re willing to leave him or go without a second child and then discuss it with him with that knowledge.

It’s impossible to know how things will work out because I’m sure everyone on here will know people who made their peace with one child then the man left when the woman was too old for more children and had more with another woman, people who convinced their husband to have more and it didn’t work out and some where it did work out and many more scenarios.

It’s not something you can compromise on but I do think if you want to stop hormonal contraception he should be responsible for contraception whether that’s a vasectomy or condoms.

We don't actually know if it worked out. The poor bloke can hardly say what he truely thinks - it's entirely possible the third child has spoiled his life and he resents it bitterly, it's not something he can ever say.

If someone, somehow gave me a child I didn't want I would regard it as a bad thing, but I'd make the best of it.

It's a big gap for a playmate. My eldest is 12 and the youngest 7 and they really don't play together; everyone will play with the 9yo soon to be 10 as there is more crossover in their interests.

They may be close when they are older but not right now.

I don't think @DarkKarmaIlama is alone. To be fair it seems to have worked out well. I'm sure their 3rd child is more than happy with the outcome.

@BabyGrooverBug

If it makes you feel better to believe in that story then carry on 😁. That’s what you would think which is totally fair enough. I was glad I did what I did and if I could go back I would do it again.

He was under no obligation to stay married to me after I told him, but guess what I can’t be that bad 😜. Like I said we have a lovely life.

@Sometimeswinning

You’re right, I’m not alone. Not the first, not the last.

Either that or I have at least two friends who are also rapey psychopaths for essentially pulling the same stunt 🤦‍♀️….. although what’s the saying? Birds of a feather flock together?

To those saying it wouldn't be a good idea to bring a baby into a house with sen child already, it isn't as black and white as that and can and does work for some (including myself) 🙄 in fact for me it's been an absolute blessing and best thing we ever did. Some men can change their mind too. What man can break his wife's heart like that and have to look at her forever. There are men who maybe aren't keen but will put their wives before themselves and agree to another one....
To the ones saying op just wants one for herself believe it or not some people will have another baby so their child won't be an only...so quick to jump on with opinions.
Also to the ones saying the bond won't be there due to age gap again not black and white 🙄 In fact my one of my sisters is 10 years younger than me and we have children the same age who are best friends. Dont be so rude and horrible with your words just because you may be done and content we are not all the same.

He's (probably) a decent bloke and he will regard the marriage itself as an obligation to stay with you, that's what marriage means.

Again, assuming he's a decent bloke, if he doesn't regard the marriage as an obligation to stay with you he will regard the three children as an obligation to stay.

A better question would be if, before you were married and when you had no kids if you'd said "I'm planning on getting pregnant by you and pass.it off as an accident" would be have left when he was totally free to leave.

Anyway, I've said what I think. I'll leave the last word to you.

In the same way that every child conceived by rape is grateful their mum got raped. Doesn't make it right.

Thank you!

There is no reason why your four year old should be lonely; keep an open house for schoolfriends, do fun things. Husband and I did and we brought up a very happy, well adjusted child.

Some things just aren't meant to be, you will adjust to the idea of having no more children. Enjoy what you have!

Indeed. I absolutely adore my firstborn, an IVF baby who overcame massive health issues early on. I am grateful for that child every day in life. Didn't stop me really wanting another, or going through lots more IVF to achieve a second pregnancy. I know it is highly unlikely I will be able to have any more and hope that I will reconcile myself to that with good grace. There is such a pull when you want a baby though. Experiencing that does not devalue any existing child!

I have a sibling. I don't get on at all with them. They are certainly not guaranteed to become best friends or even to not hate and resent each other.

It is hard when you want more and the other parent doesn't but it's not just about you. The additional expense would be on both of you, and lack of money could affect the whole family.

My advice would be to concentrate on the child you already have to give him the best chances in life that you can.

What man can break his wife's heart like that and have to look at her forever. There are men who maybe aren't keen but will put their wives before themselves and agree to another one...

Sorry but why is it all about what the wife wants? What an entitled, selfish attitude. Is the husband just a background character there to produce sperm? Having another child is a massive 18 year long commitment, a man shouldn't feel forced to agree to another just so he doesn't hurt his wifes feelings. 🙄

I adore my brother, my SIL is literally my best friend and my DCs grew up with cousins who they are now super close to as adults. Extended family holidays and Christmases filled with love and laughter were normal. Our children and my niblings all have multiple children themselves and talk together fondly of their childhoods together.

What works for one doesn't work for another. Many many people value the sibling bond and have more than one child because of it

Believe it or not it can and does happen.
Also if it we're your sister who was in this position would you be so cold...I'm guessing as it's an anonymous forum you wouldn't speak like this in reality if your sister's heart was broke.

Throwing in a curve ball, I have an almost 6 year age gap due to secondary infertility and my kids get on well...of course they have their moments, but what siblings don't. The oldest is very good with youngest. Completely understand why you want another. I hope it works out for you.

Many many people value the sibling bond and have more than one child because of it

But for many parents of one child, the issue is that they just don’t want any more children. I know the sibling bond can be great, but I don’t think it’s so great that it’s worth forcing myself to have another child simply to facilitate it. Presumably those who have multiple children ‘for the sibling bond’ also have those children because they feel broody and actively want another baby? What are those of us who never felt broody again after baby number one supposed to do?

@MollieMarie ”Sorry but why is it all about what the wife wants?”
but equally why is it all about what the husband wants (ie no more children)?

In this situation someone is not going to get their wish. It will have to boil down to whether the wife feels her desire for more children is stronger than her desire to stay with her husband and likewise is the husband prepared to potentially sacrifice his marriage by insisting on no more children. Both their views are valid, the outcome will have to depend on what they each value the most.

Utter rubbish