I want a sibling for our 4 year old but DH doesn’t want anymore

[Mangoandcoconut]

As the title states.

I want our 4 year old DS to have a sibling but DH doesn’t want anymore.
Our son is suspected ASD/ADHD but definitely ND in some way.

We aren’t in a great financial position. But I think we could manage with one more. We have a spare bedroom too.

Anyway, he’s adamant he doesn’t want to do it again. The sleepless nights, the potty training, the colic, weaning and all the rest of it.

I don’t know where to go from here.
The thought of him not having a sibling makes me really sad…I have a brother who I was close to growing up and my DH has a brother and sister. So neither of us know what it’s like having no siblings.
I’m worried he’ll be lonely and have no one to play with as he grows up.

The pp hasn't said she'd break up her family 🙄 again jumping to conclusions.

I think I probably mean it is a significant factor for many. If, for example, you were to draw up a pros and cons list of having a second child, for many people it would feature on the pros list.

Of course it's not going to be the only reason someone has another child, and certainly shouldn't be a reason for someone who actively doesn't want a child, but for many it resonates strongly and I can (unlike other posters) understand that for OP it looms large as a reason to have another child.

We aren’t in a great financial position

Then it's a ridiculous idea.

I'm in the same situation except financially we would be ok. It is absolutely killing me. I also foolishly always thought that those women that were desperate for another baby but their husbands didn't want one, they should just get on with their lives and enjoy their existing child. I had no idea how strong the broodiness can be. I've been wanting another one for two years now and I feel that it's destroyed by mental health and certainly affected my marriage. DH is adamantly against another one and we have had endless chats about this, and it's just so hard. I know I am being unreasonable and I have tried so hard to get over it but it's not happening! I'm miserable about it and I live with constant anxiety and depression and guilt because I can't help wanting another child. It's fucking stupid.

DH sees how much it means to me and he has actually said that we could go ahead and have one, but I know it's not right if he really doesn't want one. So every couple of weeks or so we have these late night talks where he tells me to get pregnant if it makes me feel better and me saying no, which is bizarre because it should be the other way round really. I'm thinking of seeing a GP to help me with the stress (there are a lot of stressors in my life atm anyway!).

Sorry, no words of advice but sounds like this is quite a common situation to be in.

In your case if DH is genuinely willing to have a second (even if it's for your benefit) just go for it.

@DarkKarmaIlama if you have a son who when older wants another child but his partner doesn’t, would you tell him to tamper with condoms to trick his partner so that they can have another child

@BabyGrooverBug I think it may be the only way out of this mess. I just don't want him to end up resenting me later on, but at the same time things probably aren't going to go back to the way they were anyway so something has to be done. Doesn't feel right though. ☹️ I wish there was a way to get rid of this broodiness! I keep telling myself it's all biology and hormones and that I shouldn't listen to it, but I love being a mum and I would absolutely love to do it all over again. Grr. I think it's because my existing kid is so bloody brilliant that I want more!

YABU.

If one person doesn't want another, you can't have another. So your options are accept this and try come to terms with being one and done or split and try your luck elsewhere to have another child.

I'm in your shoes btw, have an almost three year old and want a second. DH doesn't. Can't have a child that isn't wanted by both parents, it's deeply unfair on literally everyone and would end in tears in pretty much 90% of the scenarios I can envisage.

Never have a child 'for' an existing child, btw. Own it. You want a child because YOU want a child, that's perfectly valid. You can't have a kid for another kid, there's no telling whether it would be a benefit for them or a net drain on their life. They could hate each other, they could be permanently estranged as adults like me and mine, they could bully one another, you could roll the dice and end up with a child with severe disabilities that absorbs all of your time and resources and leaves your existing child invisible.

It's very painful and I feel for you, it's agony some days. But I have choices, as do you. One of those choices isn't to have a child with someone who doesn't want one.

@FACupcake will you stop wanting more children if you have another child or will you then want another and then another (or the want will be there even if you stop at 2)

That's a good question and something DH and I have discussed. While I can't be 100% sure having another one will make the broodiness go away, I don't think I would want a third. The biggest factor being my age as I'm late 30s now and already am painfully aware of age related risks in pregnancy, so I wouldn't want to have a baby in my 40s. Also I've never seen us as a "big" family and two kids would feel right. We couldn't afford three kids anyway and it's not something I could imagine myself wanting. I'm also aware that there was a time when I was happy with none and then happy with one, so never say never, but I genuinely think I wouldn't want a third.

There is the sibling aspect too, even though it's not the reason I want another child. Our existing child is such a caring and loving kid and would be great with a little sibling. We've also had issues with both of our families, so bar my brother and nieces who live abroad, our child will not have any other family around when they're older. I know it's not a good enough reason to have another child but something I do think about sometimes.

5 year age gap was a disaster for me and my sister. We still don’t speak.

As the parent of kids with additional needs yanbu. He's entitled to his view obviously but this would be a deal breaker for me.

I couldn't not dwell on them being alone in the future.

@AnnoyedHumph

Sounds like it would have always been a disaster irrespective of gaps. My sister is 5 years older than me and we get on very well. Other sibling is 3 years older but we have less in common. Sounds like a personality clash and nothing much to do with a gap.

MollieMarie · Yesterday 17:18
Your DH doesn't want any more so that's that, really.

There's plenty of positives to being an only child, and there's no guarantee siblings will get on anyway.

Also, your son is ND so being able to give him your undivided support will be a huge plus for him”

This. My mum had me with an abusive husband so my older brother could have a sibling. He hated me, made my life physically and mentally hell and I cut him out of my life 40 years ago.

I've changed my mind - late 30's when you're not both 100pc sure - don't do it. High risks. Almost inevitable miscarriage (or two or four). There's potentially a lot of misery and heartache between now and a baby. Potentially swapping one misery for another.

IMHO, put your efforts into the one you have.

Computers and social media render siblings redundant these days!

@BabyGrooverBug Thanks for your honest advice. I think you may be right. I'm 37 and go from thinking "lots of older women have babies and it's fine" to "I would definitely struggle to get pregnant/have miscarriages/chromosomal issues" and it frightens the life out of me. I've been thinking about getting a cat so I might look into that again.

Just to say contrary to some posts here, the 5 year age gap never stopped my sibling and I getting on like a house on fire (I am the older one). But I know lots of only children who had lots of friends and never really missed siblings. If your DH doesn't want more then that's it really. You have a lovely family already.

I totally understand where you're coming from. I felt exactly the same and it was heartbreaking. As usual there's all the 'hard' answers on here saying you're being unreasonable. I think a woman's natural desire to have children is very strong. Luckily my husband agreed in the end but it took a long time. Also, i had to really understand what he was concerned about. Turns out he was quite traumatised by things that happened the first time. We agreed how to tackle having a second one and overcame his fears. Now I'm pregnant and he's super excited, but I honestly didn't think we'd ever get here. That being said, it was a bit different for us as we already had embryos frozen from ivf. If it had been starting from scratch and trying naturally I might have been more inclined to leave it.

I was in this position recently, my DH didn't want another child because "the pregnancy and labour were so difficult for him with our first" and also the sleepless nights, having two to run about after instead of one etc... we discussed it endlessly and he agreed to have another in the end, BUT that was only because he actually did want another and was just anxious about it. If he had decided no, there was no way I was bringing another child into the world when his dad obviously didn't want him. You both have to want another child to have one.

Also just want to add to the people saying age gaps of 5+ means they can't possibly be close just isn't true. I was super close with my older sister (5 years older) and my younger sister (6 years younger) while growing up. We're still pretty close now, but I guess when you're older the age gap doesn't matter anymore. But the point is that growing up, we were super close with each other. On the other hand, I have friends with siblings who are much closer in age and have never got along with them ever. It just depends on the kids, you never know if they will be close or not.

I also want to add my own sibling relationship too. My sister and I have a 6 year age gap. It was difficult as children, and it can be difficult as adults, but that has nothing to do with the age gap and everything to do with personality clashes (which could be the case regardless of age gap)!

HOWEVER, even though I have said it can sometimes be difficult with my sister because of our opposing personality traits, we both have young children and go for coffee or shopping 2-3 times per week, so I would say our relationship is pretty good on the whole!

Also, some of my best friends are 10+ years older than me!

Yes agree with @irim, two of my closest girl friends are 10 years older!

Friends are a totally different situation. Friends are people you choose. Siblings aren't. You get what you're given with siblings.

@BadNomad Yes, but the point I was making is that it's not about age gap, it's about personality. You could have a one year age gap between siblings and not get along, a huge age gap and they have an excellent relationship. The argument of 'they might not get along' is a bit silly in my opinion.

I think that the one who doesn’t want any more gets to choose.

i really wouldn’t leave your DH over it as I’m sure your son would prefer not to have a sibling to having to go through your divorce (and I say that as someone who is divorced).

Havign a sibling isn’t always all it’s cracked up to be.