I want a sibling for our 4 year old but DH doesn’t want anymore

[Mangoandcoconut]

As the title states.

I want our 4 year old DS to have a sibling but DH doesn’t want anymore.
Our son is suspected ASD/ADHD but definitely ND in some way.

We aren’t in a great financial position. But I think we could manage with one more. We have a spare bedroom too.

Anyway, he’s adamant he doesn’t want to do it again. The sleepless nights, the potty training, the colic, weaning and all the rest of it.

I don’t know where to go from here.
The thought of him not having a sibling makes me really sad…I have a brother who I was close to growing up and my DH has a brother and sister. So neither of us know what it’s like having no siblings.
I’m worried he’ll be lonely and have no one to play with as he grows up.

You have little money, one child with SN and a reluctant father. You can’t have another child.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves

Like I said all is well that ended well. Happily married for years and he’s a great dad to our three kids. We have a lovely life. I was the master of my own fate mind. Too many women rolling over and letting their men decide every single decision.

Personally I would recommend an “accident” to anyone who is thinking about one 😜.

I have to disagree with the “but he said no” comments. Dp and I have a child who is 4 next month. Dp doesn’t want any more for the same reasons (ds is also suspected ADHD). However, when we started our relationship I wanted 3, and he wanted 2. I’ve ALWAYS been adamant that children are important to me as I only have 3 other blood relatives and wanted a big-ish family of my own. We’ve talked about it and we’ve compromised that we’ll have one more, once we’re both ready as a compromise.

Ok, so he's allowed to change his mind and decide not to have have children when previously he said he wanted more than one. Either way he has a veto here.

Well I still have my fingers crossed that they will appreciate each other later on but I can't see it happening just yet! 🤦‍♀️

Of course he's allowed to change his mind 🙄

Too many women let their men decide… you should be ashamed of yourself for doing this, nethermind giving out advice on it! Your DH did not give consent to have unprotected sex to have this ‘accident’.

Do not take this posters advice OP, it’s crap.

Why can’t you just be grateful for the child you do have? Not everyone is as fortunate.

I have children with a 5 year plus gap and there absolutely is a childhood bond. They adore each other, have always played together with the older really enjoying big siblinghood. We have zero trouble finding something that interests them all. And we are quite far on now with the older one at college and still loving babysitting the smaller sibling, they have sleepovers in the same room by choice, read books together, watch movies, play computer games. Even now. The older child’s friends think the younger one is cute and like it when they are around, yet they all decry their own 1-3 years younger siblings as annoying. The older takes the youngest for days out, cinema, bike rides etc without us parents because they like it.

maybe that won’t help Op, maybe it will but it’s been bonkers to me to read how DC have no sibling relationship if they are 4+ years apart. My DH has bigger gaps with his siblings and they are very close also.

OP it would be a dealbreaker for me but only you can decide if it is one for you. I’m certain that there are many benefits to an only and of course there are no guarantees of a second, their health, personality.

I hope you find the decision that is right for your family

Why have another child for the current child. I get along perfectly well with DB but we see each other maybe 6-8 times a year. He's not a biological best friend. DH was an only and perfectly happy with that.
Ultimately there's no compromise here, you can't force someone to have a child they don't want. It would be madness if the relationship is otherwise happy to end it to try and meet someone else who you might have a child with, who might get along with your current child.

I think men who decide they don't want any more children need to go get a vasectomy asap because clearly there are still women out there who think them wanting a child justifies them doing whatever they want.

Oh please don't

It’s always sad to have fewer children than you wanted and your feelings are legitimate, but your hypothetical second child deserves to be wanted by both parents too.

She would also have a veto and it would be very easy for her to ensure no second pregnancy occured!

You're a disgusting individual

It’s not crap advice it’s just honest advice. Plenty of women do it. My husband was already a good dad. We had plenty of money. One more wasn’t going to hurt…… and guess what I was right 😁. Like I said we have a lovely life with our 3 kids he loves the third to death and I don’t need to suffer any broodiness forever more so everyone’s a winner in this family 👍.

We are in the position of having had a child with ASD. We stopped at one and I feel it was frankly the best thing we could have done. Our DS is relatively easy to manage but he has had to have a HUGE amount of support at school (he's not violent but tends to shut down and can't learn, even though he is academically able).

I am glad I haven't had to negotiate another lot of support for a second dc who would have been likely to have ASD too (I have it). Any therapy DS needs he gets, we can afford the time and the money. It is far better for us that we don't need to split resources and can focus on our existing child. If we had a second we wouldn't know how severely affected by ASD they would be; it might be easier to manage but equally it might a LOT worse. It's the same for you, your next might be NT but might not.

Ultimately your DH doesn't want another and you don't get to override that, just as he wouldn't if he wanted another and you didn't. I would focus on being the best parents you can be to the child you have. Parenting a child with neurological conditions is HARD, and the teenage years are different from the infant years in ways you just can't always predict.

It's really strange that on these threads, hardly anyone comes out of the woodwork and admits they had an accident on purpose to have another child. It happens all the time. It's not right and a nasty move, but it surprises me that the anonymous people don't admit it more.
I'm not recommending that though.

Yes but not everybody is married to your DH are they, for many it will spell ending up a single parent. That’s why it’s crap advice to be giving out.

I don’t know why people on here think not having more than one child is the be all and end all. Why do you want a sibling for him? There’s no guarantee that they’ll have a great relationship as they grow older anyway. Your DH doesn’t want another so that’s it really

If I were in your shoes, I would have to walk away. I have always wanted a large family (though fertility issues have prevented it). I would never forgive my partner if he changed his mind and wanted an only child. Is this something you discussed before having your first?

Did you tell him what you did? If it was "right", then he'll be fine with it.

I was brought up as an only child (I have a sister but we lived with separate parents) and even now I absolutely love my own company! Also my sister and I have a 5 year age gap. We had nothing in common and when we were staying with the other parent we barely hung out. Granted we are close now, but on the flip side I know people who were close with siblings and now they are basically NC.

So in my experience those are not good enough reasons.

You couldn’t pay me to have another child (actually you could if you gave me enough to have a night nurse and nanny) and do the baby stage again. So depending on how it affected both you and DH I can understand his perspective and I think that should be highly considered as your life won’t change without another but both of your lives could change drastically with another.

+1

The impact on the victim is immense, it should be a crime. (But it happens a lot. 😢)

@JaneJeffer why not?