I want a sibling for our 4 year old but DH doesn’t want anymore

[Mangoandcoconut]

As the title states.

I want our 4 year old DS to have a sibling but DH doesn’t want anymore.
Our son is suspected ASD/ADHD but definitely ND in some way.

We aren’t in a great financial position. But I think we could manage with one more. We have a spare bedroom too.

Anyway, he’s adamant he doesn’t want to do it again. The sleepless nights, the potty training, the colic, weaning and all the rest of it.

I don’t know where to go from here.
The thought of him not having a sibling makes me really sad…I have a brother who I was close to growing up and my DH has a brother and sister. So neither of us know what it’s like having no siblings.
I’m worried he’ll be lonely and have no one to play with as he grows up.

What's silly is the having a child for another child. That's a very foolish, risky reason to have a baby. It shouldn't even be a reason.

the pregnancy and labour were so difficult for him with our first
Fuck sake

@BadNomad Oh yes, I agree with you there.

100%

No one is ever going to grow up and resent their parents or their childhood because they didn't have siblings. It's a total non issue.

There's gonna be a 5 years difference between them, not sure they would actually want to play together anymore?

Does your ds actually want a sibling? Mine with ASD is very glad that he's an only. What if your next also had ADHD and/or ASD? There's no certainty that they'll even like each other and I doubt they'd have much in common with the age gap especially if your second was a girl.

@Choconut The variation is so interesting. I'm still unpicking what is ASD, ADHD and personality in my DS. He thrives on being around others, adores my DP's kids, and would love a sibling. He's very outgoing and gregarious!

How many children did you agree to have?

Not having a sibling is fine by the way. I don't have any and it has its upsides. My child is an only although we want another but that's more for us than for her.

No it’s perfectly fine to change your mind once you’ve gone through the actual act of having children.

OP can either focus on the good things about her family and move on from the idea or leave and find someone else who wants to give her more children.

Kids don't need siblings and there is absolutely no guarantee that they'll be close. They might spent their whole childhood bickering.

Having one special needs kid means any subsequent kids are at an increased risk of having special needs too. Are you willing to risk it?

How severe are your son's additional needs? Can you accommodate a second kid in terms of time, attention, emotional availability? Will the sibling grow in the shadow of your son? Read up on the confessions of adults who grew up with severly disabled siblings - it's a very special kind of challenge and hardship.

So you think that the younger child is going ‘to be there’ for their elder sibling? That’s a big assumption, and a pretty unfair one.

How nice. Proves nothing beyond that example. I could cite dozens of opposite situations.

Yeah, bloody hell. We have been absolutely clear that No1 son is in no way to be responsible as an adult for his ND brother.
Which is just as well as he can't stand him ...

It wasn’t intended to prove anything. I was responding to a comment another poster made about her kids not getting on when young. Of course we can all give loads of examples of siblings not getting on. On the whole most of the friends I have are close to their siblings.

It is pretty close actually. "Stealthing" (where a man surreptitiously removes a condom during sexual intercourse) is considered rape in UK law because the other partner has consented to sex, but they did NOT consent to unprotected sex. If a woman tricks a man into having unprotected sex, when he believes he has consented to protected sex then why is that different? Because they're married? Because she wants a baby? Or because she's a woman?

Presumably they do. You have all done a terrible thing and smugly patting yourselves on the back about it is utterly revolting. I don't believe in karma and it seems only further confirmation of its non-existence.

@neverbeenskiing Hear hear. The way this is being presented as some kind of feminist act is truly frightening.

It's incredibly unfair and selfish to have another child only to burden them with caring for their disabled sibling once you're gone. No baby should be born with an agenda.

@entropynow

Presumably this is the point where I should feel guilty and repent for my sins? 😂. Well I am afraid you’ll all be waiting a while for that 🤦‍♀️.

So if you didn't have your siblings you would be lonely? Have you never made friends or close bonds outside your immediate family? How strange
Your son will be fine as an only child

@DarkKarmaIlama

Imagine if you had a teenager/adult son and their partner pulled the same stunt on them and baby trapped them when they absolutely didn't want to become a father.

Would you still condone it then? Congratulate her on her determination and initiative?

@ddrkpl and what if he's never ready?

Or @RandomMusings7 that was her son who pulled that stunt so he could have an extra child, would @DarkKarmaIlama be proud of his actions and congratulate him

Yeah I rolled my eyes so hard at that one I saw Australia. "So hard" compared to what - growing an entire other human inside you and then heaving them out your foof or having major abdominal surgery to get them out?

Maybe you were just very mature for your age and your sister was very immature. Otherwise 5 years is a massive developmental gap between children.