I want a sibling for our 4 year old but DH doesn’t want anymore

[Mangoandcoconut]

As the title states.

I want our 4 year old DS to have a sibling but DH doesn’t want anymore.
Our son is suspected ASD/ADHD but definitely ND in some way.

We aren’t in a great financial position. But I think we could manage with one more. We have a spare bedroom too.

Anyway, he’s adamant he doesn’t want to do it again. The sleepless nights, the potty training, the colic, weaning and all the rest of it.

I don’t know where to go from here.
The thought of him not having a sibling makes me really sad…I have a brother who I was close to growing up and my DH has a brother and sister. So neither of us know what it’s like having no siblings.
I’m worried he’ll be lonely and have no one to play with as he grows up.

I am hoping for this. My son has been desperate for a sibling for years. He is getting a sister at long last and is 6. He is currently delighted. Really hoping it stays that way!

I had never encountered this weird only-child paranoia before MN and I have never encountered it outside MN.

I don't know a single only child who feels they had a substandard life because of it. I do know plenty of people who have poor to no relationships with their siblings, though.

Being an only child is fine. Repeat after me, being an only child is fine.

She’d be choosing to prioritise a potential future child who doesn’t exist over her actual son in that instance. I don’t know how people can put their own wants above their child like this.

I think actually he's not wrong. If you can barely afford it it's going to cause a lot of worries in the future. Costs could still rise massively. Also, environmentally, it's madness. Create a great life for the one you have.

@BadNomad

I did actually when the third was about aged 1. We just laughed it off. He’s glad i took the bull by the horns and can see on reflection he was being too cautious for no good reason.

If he was THAT concerned about not having another he could have booked himself in for a vasectomy. My best friend has just had twins and her husband has booked himself in immediately. Infact I know a few men who do this, they take responsibility.

The “giving them a sibling”, “they’re getting a sibling” narrative is just horrendous. You want one, own it.

Congratulations @Snugglemonkey

I have a one-year-younger brother with autism and a learning disability. We don't have a sibling relationship at all. I'm more his carer than his sister. There are no guarantees that siblings will have a relationship.

I’m worried he’ll be lonely and have no one to play with as he grows up

I have 2 siblings. One bullied me constantly as a child and the other one had interests and hobbies that I didn't share so we rarely played together. For those reasons I vowed to only have 1 DC. She grew up surround by friends (my house was like the local youth club at one stage there were so many here at various times). Being an "only" doesn't equal loneliness anymore than having siblings means you have a friend for life/someone to share things with.

It's still horribly unethical advice.

So he said he didn't want it but you knew he really did. Does that language remind you of anything?

You sound like an arsehole.

Imagine if the roles were reversed...

Aside from all the good points already mentioned, it can be hard being the sibling of a ND child. With all the best will in the world, the NT child often ends up with a lot less attention and having their desires or experiences cut short or impossible. With that and the age gap, they may not have the relationship you envisage,

It's also often the case that ND is genetic and there's a higher risk that a second child will also be ND. In that case it's worth thinking how you would handle that, both physically, emotionally, financially, etc.

@Greenshake just because the OP wants another doesn't mean she's not grateful for the child she has. Also it's not her fault that anyone else can't have a baby.

@BabyGrooverBug That's how rapists justify their actions.

Calm down, nowhere did I say anyone should be forced 🙄 I’m simply saying her feelings aren’t unreasonable.

Or someone else even

..and if you'd told him that he needed to be might have. You took that choice away from him. It's vile.

I didn’t say it was. Doesn’t change the fact that she still wants more than she has already and seems prepared to go quite far to achieve it.

Wanting another child doesn't make you ungrateful. Even IVF parents want more than one.

Gotta love mumsnet. If you don’t fit the narrative someone WILL accuse you of being a rapist of some sort 😂.

That's exactly what I was getting at.

In fact, sex under false pretences is rape in many places. (Maybe it is in the UK.)

There is literally not a thing in the OP to suggest that she’s prepared to go quite far to achieve it.

@BattenburgDonkey the fact she says she doesn’t know what to suggests it perfectly.

I pity you tbh. I can't imagine being in a relationship with such a basic lack of respect that you would think this was OK. I'm glad that it worked out for you but I would hate to live your life.