I want a sibling for our 4 year old but DH doesn’t want anymore

[Mangoandcoconut]

As the title states.

I want our 4 year old DS to have a sibling but DH doesn’t want anymore.
Our son is suspected ASD/ADHD but definitely ND in some way.

We aren’t in a great financial position. But I think we could manage with one more. We have a spare bedroom too.

Anyway, he’s adamant he doesn’t want to do it again. The sleepless nights, the potty training, the colic, weaning and all the rest of it.

I don’t know where to go from here.
The thought of him not having a sibling makes me really sad…I have a brother who I was close to growing up and my DH has a brother and sister. So neither of us know what it’s like having no siblings.
I’m worried he’ll be lonely and have no one to play with as he grows up.

Do you desperately want to have another child OP? Or do you just like the idea of your child having someone to play with? Why have you waited so long to discuss having a second?

Situations like this are so difficult, there is no possible way of keeping everyone happy, but ultimately the partner who doesn’t want another baby has to have the final say. They also need to be doing what it takes to make sure pregnancy doesn’t happen and not rely on the other person for contraception.

This.

WTF! So would you still say the same if a man wanted a second and woman not?
It's shit for you OP but either you both agree to have another, or if one of the two parents decide not to - you shouldn't have more.
You either accept this or move on. You should not force or try to pressure your DH if he doesn't want more.

‘he’s said no and that’s the end of it’

bloody hell @YellowTreeHouse is obviously a time traveller from the 1950’s. Ignore this completely shit advice and negotiate.

I know several people who have no contact with their siblings and never got on.

I was an only child and was absolutely fine.

My nieces were like that, from the youngest was around 14 they’ve been so close - never expected it to happen but in adult life they are best friends. 6yr gap

That's a good point from pp.

With a 5 year age gap they wouldn't be likely to play together really anyway.

a 5+yr age gap, you are unlikely to get the benefit of siblings playing together
I've got almost 7 years between my two and they get on great. DS1 didn't like being an only child.

How can you negotiate this?

You can't have half a child, or have one and then give it back if you change your mind!

Then she needs to consider her options.
Which include ending her marriage tbh.

Reverse this question and would you think it appropriate to force OP to give birth to a child she didn't want?

@Chikapu it would depend on the relationship but if I didn't think it was forever I would take the chance while I could have more children.

I’m intrigued about how you negotiate this! What do you suggest the OP offers her partner to convince him to have a child he doesn’t want? Would you give the same advice to a man who wants his partner to have another child when she’s made her wishes clear?

@thelobsterquadrille I think it's a bit different given it's the woman going through pregnancy and birth then facing the motherhood penalty at work

*‘he’s said no and that’s the end of it’

bloody hell @YellowTreeHouse is obviously a time traveller from the 1950’s. Ignore this completely shit advice and negotiate.*

Well no @YellowTreeHouse is correct. He has a right to say no and OP should not pressure him into changing his mind.

I have two brothers who despise each other. You’re looking at it in a v idealistic way and I don’t think there’s enough in having a sibling to justify having another child..
I actually don’t know that many people who are close to their siblings, more the opposite. I don’t think you can force your DH on it and it sounds like your son already has some more complex needs - I don’t think it would be reasonable to push your DH to another child when he maybe/likely feels that the one you have is already enough. I think you’ve got to come to terms with it hard as that may be. Xx

If you really want another child you’re going to just have to have an “accident” and be proactive about it. Too many women let their men decide. I don’t think two kids is unreasonable and that is personally what I would have done. Infact I did do it for my third. All is well that ended well. I wouldn’t recommend taking that approach for multiple kids as that spells trouble, but certainly would recommend that approach for a sensible amount.

You can't negotiate!!! What's the compromise that you could reach...a puppy?!

There is no room for negotiation in this scenario. The OP's options are to either decide right now whether or not it's a dealbreaker for her, or to wait and see if he changes his mind and then decide whether it's a dealbreaker if he doesn't.

Sorry so many typos! Typed in a rush.

So you'd break up a presumably happy home in the off chance you can find a man to have another child with?

It's no different.

He doesn't want another child, so that's that. You can't force him to have another.

Wow!! Your poor DH and your poor child. Shame on you!

This is AWFUL advice. Would you tell a man that too many men let women decide whether to have a child or not and suggest they trap their wife/girlfriend? Vile.

Very well said!

Jesus Christ 🤦🏻‍♀️