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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want a sibling for our 4 year old but DH doesn’t want anymore

207 replies

Mangoandcoconut · 08/11/2022 17:12

As the title states.

I want our 4 year old DS to have a sibling but DH doesn’t want anymore.
Our son is suspected ASD/ADHD but definitely ND in some way.

We aren’t in a great financial position. But I think we could manage with one more. We have a spare bedroom too.

Anyway, he’s adamant he doesn’t want to do it again. The sleepless nights, the potty training, the colic, weaning and all the rest of it.

I don’t know where to go from here.
The thought of him not having a sibling makes me really sad…I have a brother who I was close to growing up and my DH has a brother and sister. So neither of us know what it’s like having no siblings.
I’m worried he’ll be lonely and have no one to play with as he grows up.

OP posts:
Alexandernevermind · 08/11/2022 19:32

It has to be something you both want. It'll be a 5 year age gap, so you'll just have one in school and then you'll be starting again, which is tying you up with preschoolers for 9 years, which isn't great if you are working. They aren't going to play together particularly and won't hang out together as teens.

sailinginthemed · 08/11/2022 19:34

This is tough. Could you wait till things are calmed financially. We were planning a five year age gap but secondary infertility got in the way and we are now looking at 9 years. I’m still happy with the gap though. I love the idea of big sibling, little sibling…and at the end of the day love is love. If they get on they will get on no matter what the age. Could you have the conversation again in a year or so?

MollieMarie · 08/11/2022 19:37

mn29 · 08/11/2022 19:28

@MollieMarie ”Sorry but why is it all about what the wife wants?”
but equally why is it all about what the husband wants (ie no more children)?

In this situation someone is not going to get their wish. It will have to boil down to whether the wife feels her desire for more children is stronger than her desire to stay with her husband and likewise is the husband prepared to potentially sacrifice his marriage by insisting on no more children. Both their views are valid, the outcome will have to depend on what they each value the most.

Because a child is a massive 18 year long commitment?

The person who doesn't want another child is the one who should get the final decision. If someone doesn't want another child they shouldn't feel pressured or forced into having another. This is pretty much the unanimous opinion on this thread, apart from a couple who think the wife should get what she wants to save her feelings.

The husband wouldn't be sacrificing his marriage. If the wife chose to split the family apart to go and have more children with another man, that decision is on her.

Irim · 08/11/2022 19:39

I too think people are generalising about disability and sibling age gap. My partner has two children (15 & 12) and I have a 7 year old. They all get on very well. We plan activities that they all can enjoy (cinema, gaming, laser quest, movie nights). The 15 year old has dyslexia/dyspraxia, the 12 year old has ADHD, and my 7 year old has ADHD and ASD. Yes there are challenges at times, but this could be attributed to having three children of varying personalities, rather than age gaps or disability. Overall, everyone is very happy and my partner and I are trying for another DC. We have a great life.

I will say though, that our DC are all 'higher functioning' (hate that phrase), I am not sure how it would be if there were additional needs or learning disabilities at play. My partner and I are also very laid back and easy going. It's just not as black and white as some posters are suggesting.

OrangePomander · 08/11/2022 19:40

I used my (apparently quite considerable) powers of persuasion to change dh’s mind. He now admits it was absolutely the right decision, but I appreciate it could have gone either way.

Sometimeswinning · 08/11/2022 19:44

BabyGrooverBug · 08/11/2022 18:53

In the same way that every child conceived by rape is grateful their mum got raped. Doesn't make it right.

Show quote history

We're comparing this situation to a woman being raped?? Not even close!!!

Trinxsy · 08/11/2022 19:45

DP took a while but finally we went for one more. This turned into a multiple pregnancy. DS has suspected additional needs and now one of our multiples is disabled. I wouldn't change any of it for the world but one more doesn't mean one more!

Snugglemonkey · 08/11/2022 19:47

NCHammer2022 · 08/11/2022 18:14

The “giving them a sibling”, “they’re getting a sibling” narrative is just horrendous. You want one, own it.

It is very possible for a child to really want a sibling and a parent to really want another baby at the same time!

HerMajestysRoyalCoven · 08/11/2022 20:02

DarkKarmaIlama · 08/11/2022 17:55

If you really want another child you’re going to just have to have an “accident” and be proactive about it. Too many women let their men decide. I don’t think two kids is unreasonable and that is personally what I would have done. Infact I did do it for my third. All is well that ended well. I wouldn’t recommend taking that approach for multiple kids as that spells trouble, but certainly would recommend that approach for a sensible amount.

That is an abhorrent thing to do and the fact you seem to feel it’s somehow feminist is appalling. Imagine a man doing this to his wife.

Ansjovis · 08/11/2022 20:08

I am autistic and an only child. I regularly curse the former and thank my lucky stars for the latter. If your child does turn out to be autistic then it may well be that he will benefit enormously from having the undivided attention of both parents, as I did as a child. Your chances of having another child on the spectrum are also quite high, which is something you may wish to consider.

All that really matters here, though, is that having a child is a "two yeses, one no" type of decision. It does not matter if your husband "agreed" to have 20 children with you before you became parents, it is completely valid for him to change his mind at any time and you don't really have too many options other than to try and find peace with the situation. If you are really struggling I would recommend counselling.

Sometimeswinning · 08/11/2022 20:12

HerMajestysRoyalCoven · 08/11/2022 20:02

That is an abhorrent thing to do and the fact you seem to feel it’s somehow feminist is appalling. Imagine a man doing this to his wife.

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Most women take care of their own contraception. Why is it we feel men shouldn't need to? I don't want a baby so I take the pill. If I'm desperate for a baby you can bet I won't be taking it!

HerMajestysRoyalCoven · 08/11/2022 20:12

Also if it we're your sister who was in this position would you be so cold...I'm guessing as it's an anonymous forum you wouldn't speak like this in reality if your sister's heart was broke.

If my sister was in this position I’d be very sympathetic to her reasonable feelings but would never, ever say it was her husband’s fault for breaking her heart and that he should put his needs before hers. Not least because I’d be thinking of both the unborn child (which deserves to be wanted by both parents) and of her relationship, which may not survive such a confession from him.

The way MN acts like mothers are the only parents who matter is utterly deranged. Men have the exact same rights over determination of their parental status, they aren’t beholden to mummy hormones.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 08/11/2022 20:13

DarkKarmaIlama · 08/11/2022 18:00

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves

Like I said all is well that ended well. Happily married for years and he’s a great dad to our three kids. We have a lovely life. I was the master of my own fate mind. Too many women rolling over and letting their men decide every single decision.

Personally I would recommend an “accident” to anyone who is thinking about one 😜.

I agree with you. Been there, done that and all is great.
If I hadn't I would have resented him until we split up anyway.
I say good for you and ignore those prissy people who will attack you in droves.

Waitingfordecember · 08/11/2022 20:14

Nobody should be pressured into trying for a baby they don’t want.

If you can’t live with his decision your only choice is to leave and hope you find someone else to have a baby with. However, unless there is a huge backstory about your DH being awful/you being generally unhappy, it’s unlikely to be in your DS’ best interest to lose a stable home as an only child in favour of a new stepparent (or two) and a half sibling.

HerMajestysRoyalCoven · 08/11/2022 20:16

Sometimeswinning · 08/11/2022 20:12

Most women take care of their own contraception. Why is it we feel men shouldn't need to? I don't want a baby so I take the pill. If I'm desperate for a baby you can bet I won't be taking it!

Show quote history

Yes, but in a marriage, there’s supposed to be trust. If the agreement is that you’re on the pill and you decide to stop taking it then that’s a change to the agreement and he needs to know. You can’t just do it and then say it’s his own fault for not somehow knowing you’ve changed the game.

Honestly, I cannot believe I’m having to explain thus to another adult!

NCHammer2022 · 08/11/2022 20:16

Also if it we're your sister who was in this position would you be so cold...I'm guessing as it's an anonymous forum you wouldn't speak like this in reality if your sister's heart was broke.

If my sister was considering breaking up with her husband and the father of my niece for the sake of future child that doesn’t and may never exist I would absolutely be this cold because she’d be putting what she wants above her child’s well-being.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 08/11/2022 20:18

Jesus Christ. I can't believe there are people admitting on purpose accidents. You are absolutely the lowest of the low. Fuck me.

DarkKarmaIlama · 08/11/2022 20:18

@Sometimeswinning

Agreed. I know many men who have been the masters of their own fate by swiftly getting vasectomies if they know they are done. We live in a society which thankfully gives us these options.

@Daisybuttercup12345

Thank you. I’m glad it all worked out for you too.

HerMajestysRoyalCoven · 08/11/2022 20:21

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 08/11/2022 20:18

Jesus Christ. I can't believe there are people admitting on purpose accidents. You are absolutely the lowest of the low. Fuck me.

It’s the smugness I can’t bear. Just horrible.

singlemomof3 · 08/11/2022 20:22

YABU if you aren't in a great financial position then you can't afford another one

Who pays for the current child you have? If you aren't contributing equally then you can't expect to have the final say

Sometimeswinning · 08/11/2022 20:28

HerMajestysRoyalCoven · 08/11/2022 20:16

Yes, but in a marriage, there’s supposed to be trust. If the agreement is that you’re on the pill and you decide to stop taking it then that’s a change to the agreement and he needs to know. You can’t just do it and then say it’s his own fault for not somehow knowing you’ve changed the game.

Honestly, I cannot believe I’m having to explain thus to another adult!

Show quote history

It's not an agreement, it's an assumption which most men make. When dh and I decided we were done (mainly him) he rang up and got himself sorted! Because he's an adult.

I can't believe I'm having to explain how contraception works! You make an effort and take responsibility then you have a very high chance of having no "accidents"

whynotwhatknot · 08/11/2022 20:33

Dont have a child because you think your dc need a sibling they dont and if they struggle already its going to be hard for the scond child

my niece and nephew have a 5 year age gap-it was fine for a couple of years but since they have different interests and the older doesnt want to play with the yunger sibling- i hate all this oh they'll be best friends it doesnt always work out that way

most importantly your dh doesnt want another as is his right

BiscuitLover3678 · 08/11/2022 20:35

Some of these posts as seriously harsh.

  1. yes some people do want a child for their firstborn to have a sibling and not because they know if they want another baby.
  2. actually those sibling relationships that I know who get on best are 4/5 years. Sure it may be a coincidence but it proves this whole ‘they won’t get on’ can be rubbish.
  3. It can be really helpful for an sibling who is neurodiverse to jabs someone else consistent in their life and to not be alone.

All these horrible statements. For all we know the dh may be closer to the fence than the op if, I don’t get where this whole ‘the person who wants no more wins’. It’s not a competition.

HerMajestysRoyalCoven · 08/11/2022 20:35

Sometimeswinning · 08/11/2022 20:28

It's not an agreement, it's an assumption which most men make. When dh and I decided we were done (mainly him) he rang up and got himself sorted! Because he's an adult.

I can't believe I'm having to explain how contraception works! You make an effort and take responsibility then you have a very high chance of having no "accidents"

Show quote history

I’ll take a scolding on responsibility from many a person, but not from someone who thinks it’s acceptable to be deceptive with their partner in order to have an unwanted child.

Wheredoallthepensgo · 08/11/2022 21:50

gannett · 08/11/2022 18:12

I had never encountered this weird only-child paranoia before MN and I have never encountered it outside MN.

I don't know a single only child who feels they had a substandard life because of it. I do know plenty of people who have poor to no relationships with their siblings, though.

Being an only child is fine. Repeat after me, being an only child is fine.

Quite!! I know loads of 1 kid families and they are doing brilliantly - less stress, more money to do fun stuff, more attention. Tend to be higher achievers in school. None that I know are "selfish" or "spoiled" or any of those other tropes - in fact most of the parents seem to have gone out of their way to counteract those negative stereotypes, facilitate friendships and raise their kids to be thoughtful and generous.