To be upset MIL didn't invite me

[Dollydea]

We're travelling back to our home town at Xmas for the first time since before covid, DH got a text from MIL today to say she'd booked pantomime tickets for him, SIL, BIL & the kids whilst we're back, she said they'll all go for a bite to eat afterwards and can exchange gifts then.

This is the first time I've ever known her to do anything like that with any of her kids, DH isn't close to his family at all, they've never fallen out but they're just not the sort of family who've remained close, we send birthday cards and also presents for the kids (not always reciprocated though) and DH messages or calls them occasionally to check in.
I'm in contact with SIL over messenger we're not "close" either but again, never had any arguments or bad feelings (not on my part at least)

DH wanted to message back and ask why I'm not invited but I told him to leave it, SIL & BIL are both divorced so my thinking is that maybe she just wanted it to be her kids and the grandkids?
Im not the sort of person who likes any confrontation or arguments so I'd rather not have him bring it up and potentially cause a rift where there isn't one, but I can't help but feel hurt. We've been together since teenagers and married for over 15 years.

I can't sleep for trying to think of something I might've said or done in the past to offend them but I genuinely can't think of anything.

Am I over thinking it?

I’d be thrilled to not be invited to a panto with my in laws

If it is your hometown too, maybe she thinks you will be too busy visiting your parents and siblings

Similar has happened with us and Dh and bil were all what’s with that? roses and sil will be coming too thanks very much let us know if you can’t get tix else hopefully you can sell them.

Your husband should have your back on this.

Meh. She’s invited her children and grandchildren only. Personally I’d be delighted to not have to go.

Bil and sil being divorced is irrelevant. She should have invited you. Don’t play into her hands, ask DH to find out why you’re uninvited.

She could be starting a precedent of excluding you, nip it in the bud now.

Let your DH contact his Mum.

He knows the lie of the land here.

This is not confronting her - this is clarifying her invitation. I think you could be over-thinking this.

It’s not just that you’re not invited, it’s that she’s unilaterally decided that DH and the kids will be going and has chosen a date and everything without even checking first. How infantilising.

I know my DH’s response would be “sorry mum, we don’t get a lot of quality time together as a family with work etc and at Christmas it’s even more precious. I’m not leaving DW out like that. We’ll have lots of people to visit while we’re there so can’t commit to a whole day like that before we’ve had chance to make plans. Hope you can sell the tickets”.

and yet on the other thread the MIL is unreasonable to want her DIL at Christmas and everyone told the MIL that people do what they want and she shouldn't expect her DIL...now the DIL here is put out because she isn't invited to something bit somehow here the MIL isn't allowed to do as SHE wants?

Funny that, isn't it?

Yes DH should have your back here. The kids will be having great fun, and it's something they should share with their mum too. Are you sure she has t just left you off the message by accident? Or are you definitely not invited? He needs to text back with the fact that's a family trip and you're not being left out

I think that you should absolutely let your DH ask why you were not included in the invitation. If you don't it will become an ever growing barrier between you and your MiL, and will also make your DH's interactions with his mother more problematical. If he feels that he can't be honest with her, and he thinks that she is being unfair and rude to you - which on the surface does look like the case at the moment - then that really needs sorting out.

You are only overthinking it OP because you won't allow direct questions to be asked!
I am wracking my brains to see if I can think of any reasons - fair or not - why your MiL hasn't invited you, and the simplest and best reason I can come up with, is that she missed off your name by mistake, and would be mortified by her error if your DH was allowed to ask her why.

My second thought is probably very unfair, but I wonder if she is blaming you for the lack of more frequent contact with either of you during the last few years? I think it is possible that many Mums of adult Sons often don't realise that once they have their own DP, and maybe DC as well, they will get bogged down in their own immediate family's life, and they "know" (or don't think it through), that their mums will "always be there", so there is no urgency in contacting them! Because their DM's haven't realised that their sons' can be rather (understandably ?) selfish, they just don't think it can be their DSs' fault, so believe it must be their DSs' DPs faults.

For some unfortunate reason, many Daughters do seem to have better adult relationships with their Mum's than Sons do with theirs, but that could make a whole new thread, so I am not going to ponder about that at the moment - although I do have a few ideas! Anyway @Dollydea, please do let your DH ask his DM why she left you off the invitation, I know that I - a mother of sons - would want to be questioned over something like that, as it would have been a big error on my part, and I would desperately want to rectify it.

@RainyDaysareCarp

What’s funny about it?
Two entirely different people, families and situations.

Should you text the MIL? OH YES YOU SHOULD!!

oh no you shouldn’t, be glad you’re not invited and book a massage instead

The "funny" thing is that the MIL is told to suck it up with the DIL yet here the MIL is not allowed to have her own plans but the DIL isn't told to suck it up. Have you read both threads?

Is it possible you got accidentally left off the list in text message but she does have a ticket for you?

dh should text his mother.

I wouldn’t jump to conclusions - it sounds to me like MiL has had a sentimental moment where she’s thought how nice it would be to do a small family thing, but not quite thought through the impact it might have on you. I don’t think it’s intended to be a slight.

Families are circles at the end of the day, aren’t they - DH, his siblings and parents like to do some things as just them, just as DH and I like to do special things with just us and our young kids, or sometimes the grandparents like to do things alone with our kids. We all get different things from the different dynamics.

personally I’d be welcoming the opportunity to have a cup of tea and mince pie while watching a Xmas film in peace!

I don't think there's an issue with her wanting to do something while she has all her children and grandchildren together with just them.

If you want to go too he can ask if there are any more tickets available. I'm sure MIL won't say no.

This was exactly what I was thinking! MILs cannot win on MN. Any wishes or plans from a MIL is extremely controlling as a DIL is her own person and the new family is her real family unit. MIL should be grateful for anything. If MIL tries to organise something with DIL or the grandkids then she's demanding and controlling. If MIL leaves DIL out to do her own thing and tries to set up something with her son or the grandkids then she's horrible, breaking up the family or very rude to leave DIL out. If DILs want the freedom to not have to consider MILs feelings and not attend Christmas activities, refuse disliked gifts and generally set how things will be then they have to accept that MIL will arrange things without them and will struggle to view DIL as family. If they try and keep things fair with visits and gifts etc then things should be different. You get what you give and it's unreasonable to expect MILs to be very loving to the DIL if that is not reciprocated in any way which sadly can occur on MN. OP, I don't know what your relationship is like with MIL more broadly. On the face of it, she is unreasonable to not invite you.

That thread is different because the DIL is invited to MILs and she has no issue with her husband going to his mum’s for Christmas. I think it would be nice for that DIL to see her in laws sometimes but she DIL has family spread across two countries so she a lot of people to see.

In this situation, the OP is not invited at all by MIL. And, as a pp said, booking tickets for her son and grandchildren is presumptuous and is excluding her DIL.

Well I'm assuming it's a different MIL and a different DIL than in the other thread, so not really relevant here.

As gift-exchanging is included in the day as well I'm sure it must be a mistake. Otherwise your dh should speak up and say lovely idea but you come as a family.

It is incredibly rude. On her part, not yours.Is there a back story? My Exmil booked panto tickets every year and I was never left out, she would never have been so rude.

Wow how insensitive is your MIL. I think the exchanging gifts business is a right kicker too. I do hope you're not staying with her whilst being in your hometown.

Tbh I'd be taking up your dh offer to say something, in his shoes I'd be saying either we all go (op included), or he'll pass on the panto. It's Xmas time and you are his family now too! Your BIL & SIL being divorced is irrelevant, she's being thoughtless at best

I think it’s a shame/thoughtless that she hasn’t invited you, but I feel you’re being a bit of a martyr in not letting your husband challenge it. Given it’s upset you, allowing it to go ahead is setting yourself up for it to happen again. Your husband doesn’t think it’s fair, so let him try to sort it out.