To be upset MIL didn't invite me

[Dollydea]

We're travelling back to our home town at Xmas for the first time since before covid, DH got a text from MIL today to say she'd booked pantomime tickets for him, SIL, BIL & the kids whilst we're back, she said they'll all go for a bite to eat afterwards and can exchange gifts then.

This is the first time I've ever known her to do anything like that with any of her kids, DH isn't close to his family at all, they've never fallen out but they're just not the sort of family who've remained close, we send birthday cards and also presents for the kids (not always reciprocated though) and DH messages or calls them occasionally to check in.
I'm in contact with SIL over messenger we're not "close" either but again, never had any arguments or bad feelings (not on my part at least)

DH wanted to message back and ask why I'm not invited but I told him to leave it, SIL & BIL are both divorced so my thinking is that maybe she just wanted it to be her kids and the grandkids?
Im not the sort of person who likes any confrontation or arguments so I'd rather not have him bring it up and potentially cause a rift where there isn't one, but I can't help but feel hurt. We've been together since teenagers and married for over 15 years.

I can't sleep for trying to think of something I might've said or done in the past to offend them but I genuinely can't think of anything.

Am I over thinking it?

If it's a text, unless she explicitly listed every name, I wonder if she actually meant OP was included anyway. My parents would certainly write "we'd like to invite you, sibling A and sibling B and the children to a pantomime ... " and implicitly mean our partners/spouses as well.

I wouldnt have a problem with her wanting to spend a Christmas-themed afternoon with her children and grandchildren only, but I do think its rude not to have explained that. As it is, with no context given it just sounds like she's rudely excluded you, instead of explaining that she is having a treat with her kids and grandkids. Theres quite a difference between the two and a bit of manners would have soothed it all over.

Your name may have been accidentally omitted by MIL. Your DH needs to confirm with his mum.

How daft it will be if she has a ticket for you and you don't go. If she hasn't included you, a conversation between them will surely follow to explain her reasons.

Oh no you’re not!

Could she have meant you, as in you two? My in laws never specify by name in their invite because we come as a pair. On my side we use ‘youse’ to clarify!

Do you usually get invited to stuff?

Do you want to go?

If not I'd just leave it & keep a watch on things to see if she does deliberately exclude.

Depends entirely on the family dynamic.
I can’t imagine this in my family tbh. My husband would question why I wasn’t invited immediately and it wouldn’t cause a rift for him to just ask.

Why are you telling your DH to leave it? He needs to message MIL back and say presumably Dollydea is invited too and see what she says.

If DS and DIL are visiting us, I might text "Do you fancy trying out that new restaurant - my treat!" or "Have you seen x film? If not, do you want to?" etc etc, and in both cases "you" would mean both DS and DIL.

If I texted DS "I have bought you and your sister and brother tickets for the panto" you would mean both DS and DIL.

What did the text actually say? In what way did she make clear that only your DH was included?

DH can text back-that sounds great-is that a ticket for DW, too?

And take it from there.

An evening to relax without kids, watching TV, eating chocs, long hot bath - or an evening being yelled at by a man in a dress saying unfunny jokes and then getting stuck getting out of the car park for 2 hours with tired kids....

Yes, your MiL is AWFUL isn't she!

I couldn't be bothered to get upset about this unless you absolutely love panto and feel you are missing out. The fact the siblings are getting divorced may have played into this or maybe she just fancied an afternoon with her DCs and grandchildren - who knows. Whatever the reason, I wouldn't over-think it. You'll be back in your home town so you can enjoy a special day just for you with people you want to see (or even have some time to yourself if you prefer). I know my own mum loves to have a bit of time with just myself and my brother - it happens vanishingly rarely and my mum wouldn't try to engineer it for fear of offending my SIL (last time was when my dad had just died, we went out for dinner and were all so happy to be together the waitress asked if we were having a celebration ). I often see my mum on my own, but my brother is always with his wife. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that either - my mum won't be posting on here to ask if she BU. You are over-thinking this - it's certainly not something to lose sleep over.

Your MIL has given you the ultimate gift of free time to relax all alone at a stressful and busy time of year. I’d be thanking her profusely!

Reframe your (over)thinking.

Oh come on get a grip. You're the one stretching to explain the mils dick behaviour.

By that rationale would it be ok not to feed OP Christmas Dinner because food is expensive now? Or to get everyone except her a Christmas present?

Leaving people out is rude, full stop...booking things without checking the time and date is convenient is rude.

When you say you're going back to your home town OP where are you staying? If its in their house are you supposed to just sit there while they all go off to the panto? Aren't your kids going to ask "why aren't you coming mummy?" and think it's weird when you say "well nanny didn't invite me!"

PPs are moaning that MILs cant do right for doing wrong but in this (and most cases) all upset could be avoided by MIL just asking first! Why don't people just have conversations!
If she rang op and said "I'm thinking of booking panto for us on x date....do you want to come or would you rather have a break and soen peace and quiet/see your parents" I'm sure OP would be fine.

Or "I was thinking of booking panto but its expensive so wpuld struggle to pau for everyone... is it something you really want to do or....?"

Well he does and she asked him not to raise it because she doesn’t like confrontation.

Yet she invited the SIL who is divorced from her son.

God almighty. 4 pages of shite and navel gazing. Why don't you just bloody ask. What the fuck is wrong with you all?

I assumed she had invited her daughter and 2 sons

She hasn’t invited dh and the kids though, she’s booked tickets and told him about it, and expected that he’ll cancel anything else that is planned. Bloody rude.

I wonder if it is because you and Dh are still together, therefore if she invites you it shines a light on the other two being divorced and there alone.

My MIL who I absolutely loved to bits was completely mortified when her DD got divorced. She was embarrassed to tell people of her age because it wasn't the done thing, to get divorced, instead you had to live in misery or with an alcoholic.

Or there is a mix up in communication and you are invited. Your Dh needs to message her.

When I went back home to visit (rate due to distance/work), and had DH and the kids with me, my mum would organise dinner out for myself and siblings only. It was accepted the spouses would stay home minding the kids. No one ever thought that was odd or that mum didn’t check with us before organising.

I sort of see this is the same but with kids and grandkids? DH parents used to do that for photos at rare family gatherings, only themselves, kids and grandkids, no spouses. Spouses never batted an eyelid about it let alone mentioned it.

It is rude to make plans for other people and not check dates etc with them first.
Instead of stewing on this the OP should just bloody ask

@HoppingPavlova but if you were the only person not going to something wouldn’t you invite them. My parents have always treated DH as part of the family, wouldn’t dream of excluding him from an invite to something

I'd be tempted to turn up