To be upset MIL didn't invite me

[Dollydea]

We're travelling back to our home town at Xmas for the first time since before covid, DH got a text from MIL today to say she'd booked pantomime tickets for him, SIL, BIL & the kids whilst we're back, she said they'll all go for a bite to eat afterwards and can exchange gifts then.

This is the first time I've ever known her to do anything like that with any of her kids, DH isn't close to his family at all, they've never fallen out but they're just not the sort of family who've remained close, we send birthday cards and also presents for the kids (not always reciprocated though) and DH messages or calls them occasionally to check in.
I'm in contact with SIL over messenger we're not "close" either but again, never had any arguments or bad feelings (not on my part at least)

DH wanted to message back and ask why I'm not invited but I told him to leave it, SIL & BIL are both divorced so my thinking is that maybe she just wanted it to be her kids and the grandkids?
Im not the sort of person who likes any confrontation or arguments so I'd rather not have him bring it up and potentially cause a rift where there isn't one, but I can't help but feel hurt. We've been together since teenagers and married for over 15 years.

I can't sleep for trying to think of something I might've said or done in the past to offend them but I genuinely can't think of anything.

Am I over thinking it?

I read it as she has 3 kids, two of whom are divorced and the other is the op's DH?

Your DH just needs to say ‘just double checking you’ve included Dolly in those panto tickets as I first thought you’d only invited me and the kids!’

Depending on numbers it might be that she has bought family tickets which limit numbers. I used to do this to take dgc and my dd’s. Two family tickets equal eight people . This meant someone would be left out and it was usually SiL. I couldn’t afford to buy extra tickets and he wasn’t bothered.

Is that how you conduct your own life? Deciding what’s best for people and booking things for selected individuals on that basis without speaking to them about it first? Plus presumably the MIL doesn’t think the panto is unfunny or she wouldn’t want any of them to go. We’ve never had any issues getting home from our annual panto trip, which we love and to which all family members, married in or born to us, are invited

Same. No spouses are coming so seems fine to me.

It doesn’t say that.
op also mentioned it being just her children and grandchildren so the assumption would be that op’s dh and the other two are all siblings. The other two both happen to be divorced.

We're travelling back to our home town at Xmas for the first time since before covid

she said they'll all go for a bite to eat afterwards and can exchange gifts then

So are you not seeing her on Christmas Day?

Your DH needs to say "OP" wasn't on the text, just checking that you have got her a ticket?". If she says "no its just family", then he needs to point out that you are his family and either you go or none of you go.

He has got to stop this or it could happen again and again.

My XMIL had form for this sort of thing and it creates a horrible feeling.

Why would it cause a rift asking why you're not invited if there's never been any fallouts and the family just isn't close?

I see nothing wrong with this

The replies here defending this are a bit odd. If you’d rather stay in on your own than go to a pantomime (fair tbh!) then fine, but at least be asked and given the choice to join or not.

The OP is visiting for Christmas, married to this woman’s son for 15 years with no fallout’s, there’s a dinner afterwards too and it’s extremely unkind and thoughtless not to invite her. She may feel she just wants her sons and dgc there, but OP is her son’s family and therefore her’s too.

So it’s either a mistake on the text (unlikely) or with or without realising she’s being very unkind and disrespectful. Either way OP, your DH needs to have a word. I get you don’t want to cause a ‘rift’, and he doesn’t need to go in ‘all guns blazing’ but there are some things that just shouldn’t be passively accepted.

He just needs to ask why you weren’t invited and take it from there. He needs to mention that you both feel a bit hurt you weren’t invited. Let this one go but make sure it doesn’t set a precedent.

How many adults does it take to escort a few kids to a pantomime? And how many adults actually want to go to a pantomime? I think you've had a lucky escape. Use the free afternoon or evening to do something grown-up with a friend.

If they are having a meal and exchanging gifts too it is more than just a panto. It sounds as if this will be their day for celebrating Xmas together

They’re exactly the same thing. 🤦🏻‍♀️

In both instances, the MIL is trying to make plans involving other people without consulting THEM before announcing their plans to the rest of the party.

In this scenario, the MIL has made plans for her son and grandchildren to attend an event and a meal out without bothering to check if they’re free. The OP and her DH could have already booked something else for that day.

Not inviting the DIL is an added level of shittyness.

The DH in this case needs to contact his mum and ask her what she’s playing at.

@PurplePixies the MIL in the other thread is not making plans without consulting anyone. She discusses what is happening at Christmas like most families do, she would just like DIL to join them once in awhile

If the sil and bil in the op are married to each other then YANBU, but if they are dh's sister and brother and no other partners are invited then it would be weird to invite you imo. Do you have children? Are siblings' dc invited but not yours? Definitely OK to feel put out if that's the case.

i would probably expect my mil to communicate these plans in advance rather than announcing a done deal. If I was there with no one else to visit I’d probably find it a bit odd not to be included. However if it were my home town and I could see friends/ relatives or relax while other people had to endure panto with my kids I would be delighted.
so I think it really depends, maybe MIL imagined you using the time to see friends, wrap presents, spend time with other family members or maybe she didn’t think of you at all and was a little mean, it is so hard to say without knowing what you would usually do when you all go back to your home town.

No…..

Nothing wrong with it. She's just invited her children and grandchildren. No one's partner was invited. I'd be glad not to go! Let them go and have fun. You can relax or go out with friends.

All of the above.

Everyone saying they'd be glad of the opportunity to miss the panto isn't the point...its irrelevant what the activity is, if its a group activity you shouldn't invite all except 1 members of a family!

They are also going out for a meal...if OP had only mentioned that part I'm sure the replies would be very different.

Yes, I'd do something like this. Doesn't need to be a big deal. Maybe she was just being thoughtless or she thought it would be helpful to take the kids and your DH off your hands and give you a break or any one of a hundred other things. If you'd like to go, just let your husband say so. It may be easily fixed.

All the people saying they'd be glad to miss a pantomime with the in-laws are really missing the point. It's not just a pantomime, it's a meal and gift exchange as well. Plus it's not really about whether or not you like the thing, it's about whether or not someone you considered to be family asked if you'd like to come to a Christmas get-together. For what it's worth, my husband would clarify and then he wouldn't go if I wasn't invited. We would perceive it as a slight (because we consider ourselves part of our wider families) and our loyalty is to each other primarily.

Is it possible that it's "you" plural ie when she said, "I bought tickets for you and the kids, BIL, sit etc" she actually meant both of you?
And why not just ask?