To be upset MIL didn't invite me

[Dollydea]

We're travelling back to our home town at Xmas for the first time since before covid, DH got a text from MIL today to say she'd booked pantomime tickets for him, SIL, BIL & the kids whilst we're back, she said they'll all go for a bite to eat afterwards and can exchange gifts then.

This is the first time I've ever known her to do anything like that with any of her kids, DH isn't close to his family at all, they've never fallen out but they're just not the sort of family who've remained close, we send birthday cards and also presents for the kids (not always reciprocated though) and DH messages or calls them occasionally to check in.
I'm in contact with SIL over messenger we're not "close" either but again, never had any arguments or bad feelings (not on my part at least)

DH wanted to message back and ask why I'm not invited but I told him to leave it, SIL & BIL are both divorced so my thinking is that maybe she just wanted it to be her kids and the grandkids?
Im not the sort of person who likes any confrontation or arguments so I'd rather not have him bring it up and potentially cause a rift where there isn't one, but I can't help but feel hurt. We've been together since teenagers and married for over 15 years.

I can't sleep for trying to think of something I might've said or done in the past to offend them but I genuinely can't think of anything.

Am I over thinking it?

Not relevant if he wants to go or not. What matters is that the decision was made for him, no consultation.

No it isn't. He can say I don't want to go.

You mention the kids. Do you an dh have kids. If she has booked for your kids, then yanbu.

If you dont have kids, then I would say lucky escape. Pantos are pretty lame if you are an adult.

I find the strangest part of this is the MIl just booking this without any prior discussion.

That's true, but MIL already got the tickets, so it leaves her with a ticket. And would she respond well to that? At least it might make her consult other adults about their time in future.

It’s odd and quite rude to not invite you without any explanation of why she made the decision. Otoh it sounds quite boring so maybe it’s a lucky escape you got…

Well mine wouldn’t want to go in those circumstances. If OP’s did then I’d think he was a total mummy’s boy dickhead, but he doesn’t sound like one from what she’s said about him.

Maybe MIL is not well & wanting to gather her (blood) family around her - doing things she’s never donr that are sentimental /family orientated at Xmas type thing - maybe she’s running out of time?

Bit maudlin I know but you never know?!! Prob not but it doesn’t automatically mean
a) you’re uninvited as you’ve done something wrong
b) she’s trying to ostracise you

She quite possibly could have meant you’re all invited as you & DH come as a family unit kind of thing? But it’s not clear over text?

You’ve got to clarify this as it’s ambiguous & your DH speaking to her will help him get a read on things.

All he needs to say is yes we’d love to come (if no prior arrangements) - you have got tickets for us all haven’t you bcos the text makes it look like Dollydea isn’t invited & I know you would never have not included her - but just wanted to double check?!!

Then if she says oh well I just thought be nice our family & grand kids I don’t think that’s unreasonable though.

Everyone doesn’t have to do everything together & although families join through marriage your original family are allowed to get together independently too. Because you don’t see her that much or are close & bcos done over text I think it makes it seem worse than it actually is.

If she wants just them go & have some time off doing a nice treat which most pple wld love!

Are the same posters on both threads making the comments?

Or it is that it's different people with their own views?

You are overthinking, imo. I do stuff with my mum and my dc, dh does stuff with his family members and dc without me. I hope if and when my dc are settled in years to come I will be allowed to do stuff with them without their ohs. If you want to go then dh should contact his mum and tell her dw wants to come too, can you get her a ticket please. Its easily solved.

Get your husband to send a text with 'did you get ....a ticket as well?' And this might reveal what is going on .

I imagine if she wants to go it’s to spend time with her family and see her children having a good time and not be sat on her own in the theatre, it’s not so easy to just add an extra ticket

Dh should message and say him, your name and dc are looking forward to it..

I've commented on both threads but they are very different situations.

This is MN where buying a present for someone else, organising something for them or inviting them anywhere is the absolute height of rudeness.

On MN, MILs are the devil and once a man has his own “family unit” he may never spend time apart from them lest he be labelled a pushover / wet blanket / tied by the apron strings.

The man must always do what his wife wants, never may do anything with his MIL or he’ll be branded vile / a dick and recommendations to “LTB. Now.” will be made.

I had to re-read the OP as I assumed from the reactions MIL had organised for the husband to go to the Maldives for 2 across Christmas and New Year rather than for a few hours one weekend seeing a show that no one really wants to see anyway.

What did the text actually say? Because if it said "I have bought tickets for you, BIL and SIL" the "you" might be a plural "you"

There are similar issues on both threads - the MIL wanting to decide the plans.

In this case, not only has the MIL decided OP isn't going, but she's also picked a date and activity and booked it for her son and grandchildren without checking. Even if she was including OP I think that's a weird thing to do.

Ok but generally you would check beforehand that someone is free before arranging something for them to do. And if you know that people are there together as a group surely you would check if they all want to join

Some people on here are so negative about pantomimes. Fair enough that you might not like them but don’t assume that no one else does, I have very fond memories of going to the pantomime as a child and can’t wait to take my children when they are old enough

Is BIL and SIL one couple who are divorced or is it a BIL And a SIL who are both children of your MIL?

I hope if and when my dc are settled in years to come I will be allowed to do stuff with them without their ohs.

See I find that to be a weird and unusual expectation of family life with adult children. My parents would never invite us to specifically do stuff with them (especially family days at Christmas) without our spouses. My husband and my brother’s fiancé are part of our family and are as much a part of family celebrations as we are. My MIL is extremely hard work for me a lot of the time but she wouldn’t invite my husband to a family-style activity and specifically say I wasn’t invited, that’s not how any of us see marriage. It doesn’t mean that we never progress our relationship with our own parents without the other, that happens organically through unavailability of one of us/phone calls and texting etc, but a family day at Christmas would not be the time for it unless it was agreed by everyone first. I think it’s unrealistic and odd to still consider yourself the primary family of a married adult child.

I think the problem on both threads is people making unilateral decisions for other people (adults).

If I want to do something I ask my married child if they would be interested in doing x? If yes, I ask them when would suit and we work it out together. If they aren't interested or it doesn't mutually work, we do something else another time and accept that each of us has our own things going on in life that mean we have to be flexible. Surely that is how adults should work out time together?

Let your dh ask your MIL where is your ticket.

It’s bloody rude that you’re going over at Xmas time as a family and she wants to leave you out!

It is hurtful but probably just thoughtless more than intentional. She just wants her kids and their kids with her, once you're a mum you're always a mum, especially if she hasn't seen them for nearly years. I wonder if it's more the daughter- I still love having time with my mum without DP.

Let your dh ask. It’s rude that’s she’s invited your whole family bar you to an event.

to the other poster is totally different to the other mil thread. That one the mil has invited and the dil doesn’t want to go, this thread the mil is planning a whole day out, panto, a meal etc and not invited the op at all just her husband and children.

I mean panto is my idea of hell so it wouldn’t bother me, I would see it as a lovely opportunity to put my feet up with a baileys.

if you are upset, your DH should raise it for you.