To be upset MIL didn't invite me

[Dollydea]

We're travelling back to our home town at Xmas for the first time since before covid, DH got a text from MIL today to say she'd booked pantomime tickets for him, SIL, BIL & the kids whilst we're back, she said they'll all go for a bite to eat afterwards and can exchange gifts then.

This is the first time I've ever known her to do anything like that with any of her kids, DH isn't close to his family at all, they've never fallen out but they're just not the sort of family who've remained close, we send birthday cards and also presents for the kids (not always reciprocated though) and DH messages or calls them occasionally to check in.
I'm in contact with SIL over messenger we're not "close" either but again, never had any arguments or bad feelings (not on my part at least)

DH wanted to message back and ask why I'm not invited but I told him to leave it, SIL & BIL are both divorced so my thinking is that maybe she just wanted it to be her kids and the grandkids?
Im not the sort of person who likes any confrontation or arguments so I'd rather not have him bring it up and potentially cause a rift where there isn't one, but I can't help but feel hurt. We've been together since teenagers and married for over 15 years.

I can't sleep for trying to think of something I might've said or done in the past to offend them but I genuinely can't think of anything.

Am I over thinking it?

Going for food after is an added snub. Presumably mil won't be paying for sil, bil and all the dc?

You can’t leave out one word on. Can you not see that that is rude and exclusionary?

*one person

Has she not just maybe missed your name from the text by accident? If it's a definite snub, your husband should say that none of you will be going as you are his wife and the mother of his children.....

@pewtypie She hadn’t missed out one person. She’s invited the grandkids and her own kids. She hasn’t invited spouses/ her own siblings/cousins / the neighbours.

It’s a pantomime, clearly a treat for the grandchildren none of which she’s missed out. She invited the bare minimum of adult help and since the other two are on there own it makes sense her DH is too.

Her son is the only one with a partner and she has excluded that partner.

How you can’t see that that is excluding OP is beyond me.

Is this the way you behave with your own DIL?

@lightisnotwhite

She hasn’t invited spouses/ her own siblings/cousins / the neighbours.

And for you to equate OP with MIL’s siblings/cousins/neighbours is bizarre.

Are you the type of person that doesn’t see DIL as part of the family?

We don’t know she has excluded OP as the message isn’t clear!

Great! You have a day to yourself! Don't risk losing it!

@pewtypie you don’t actually know the others have partners - Op just says they are divorced. Possibly that’s why is just one per family .But that’s besides the point.

The Op is neither a child who would enjoy a pantomime or a child of the person buying the tickets (which aren’t cheap). She can hardly invite the Op and not pay for the ticket as she has everyone else.

Better solution if Op or her DH asks if she can come to the meal afterwards. That’s the Christmas family meet up done then.

I don’t wouldn’t intentionally exclude anyone but I honestly wouldn’t expect to be invited by my in-laws to something they were doing with our children if they asked my husband and only my sister in law along.
If it was SIL and her husband then yes I’d feel excluded but if she was single or her husband wasn’t asked, then no, I would feel they wanted to do something with the kids.

@lightisnotwhite the difference is that MIL’s son and his wife are still together and have children together.

To invite her son and grandkids and not her DIL seems terrible to me.

And then to suggest that OP attend the dinner only is even worse, like she’s a second tier family member.

Anyway, let’s agree to disagree 🤷🏻‍♀️

The problem is nobody knows if you is singular of plural. Asking would solve this but instead the op has stopped her supportive dh from asking.

Just let him ask. At least then you know what the actual situation.

@pewtypie Yes, lets. Other peoples families are a law unto themselves. Especially at Christmas.

So DH spoke to BIL this morning, apparently his mum and sister are annoyed with "us" (although obviously it's just me) this year by having my parents and sister visit us twice, yet they haven't been to see us in the 4 years we've lived here.

DH is actually really annoyed, every time I message his sister and she mentions visiting then I've always made it clear they're more than welcome.
My family make the initiative to book and pay for their own flights, pay half towards the villa we rent (as our house is too small to fit us all) DH has said MIL doesn't even own a passport!

His sister visited a country near to us for her holiday this year and did message DH to see if we'd want to jump on a flight and meet up there, but he was working and it fell on one of the weeks that my parents were here so I didn't want to hop on a flight and abandon them after they'd travelled here specifically to see us.

DH is gonna ring MIL tonight but I'm passed caring now that I've found out the reason, makes me laugh because when we lived in the U.K. they never visited us there either!

This is the first year I've known her that she's ever booked or planned anything special at Xmas or any other time, seems like she's done it purely out of spite now.

Let her have her little triumph, and enjoy your free hours. Just act amused if it comes up later; wink at your DH for her to see as though you are both humouring her.

Make sure any future invitation to join your are done in group texts for all to see so that she later can't claim she was never asked by you to visit, etc.

Instead of having a discussion like adults they decide to be petty and deliberately exclude you. Leave them to it and enjoy some alone time!

That is definitely done out of spite. What a horrible thing to do.

I hope that DH and DC are not going to attend now that the intention to leave you out has been made clear? He needs to support you or this will happen again and again and you will end up resenting him.

What a nasty woman. Treating you like this is hardly going to improve things for the future is it. Why on earth would you want her in your house/shared villa now? (assuming that she ever does manage to get a passport and book a flight).

and also, that is a bullshit reason. Why are you more to blame than DH for them not coming to stay. If they were annoyed at both of you they wouldn't invite either of you, yet the blame is laid totally on you.

Me too. An afternoon to yourself.

Given your update, dh should tell mil/sil that he and the children won't be attending - I think it would actually be disloyal of dh to go after they've made it clear this is a punishment for you seeing your own parents!

That*s quite an update.

Perhaps your husband should just say that he & the kids can't make it/won't be going & then decide for himself how much he h´wants to bother with them in future.

I really can't be bothered with people like this.

I think my ILs were peeved that I (& therefore the kids when they were young & I was at home) say more of my parents.

But they wouldn't visit in the week as my husband was working!

We are abroad now & they have never visited.

Mainl because my husband wouldn't promise to be off work for the full time that they were here.

They also wanted him to fly across to bring them over & fly back with them!
When they looked into a trip to this area they would "only" have had a couple of days with us which wasn't worth it.

So they opted for not visiting instead!🙄

Aaah. We've had a bit of this in the past "well, you see Gerbil's family far more often so when you come home you should only see us". That's because my family travel to see us....

The most important thing is that it sounds like your Dh and you are on the same page. Let them be ridiculous and if they go to the panto, use the opportunity for a little shopping or whatever.

How often do you fly to see MIL? I think when someone moves from the country where there family is living the onus is on the mover to visit home more often than the reverse. After all your asking them to spend money to comes and see you but it was your choice to move away, they didn’t move to a different country from you then get pissy when you didn’t travel overseas to see them.

If this happened with us my dh would probably ask in a non confrontational way if I'd been factored into the plans. I don't think there's really anything overly wrong with what she's done, she's allowed to take her kids and grandkids out for some quality time especially if you don't see each other often. I'd be inclined to be happy for the time to myself and plan something really nice that I couldn't do with the kids. I do think she should have asked first before booking but she's maybe got excited and not thought it through rather than had any ill intent.

I was playing devils and assuming it was just a mother wanting to take her own grown-up children and the DCs for some quality time, and think nothing personal of it and enjoy the alone time!

From your update it sounds more deliberate but I'd still send DH and the kids, embrace the chill and let her be the baddie. You'll always have it "in the bank" for next time.