To be upset MIL didn't invite me

[Dollydea]

We're travelling back to our home town at Xmas for the first time since before covid, DH got a text from MIL today to say she'd booked pantomime tickets for him, SIL, BIL & the kids whilst we're back, she said they'll all go for a bite to eat afterwards and can exchange gifts then.

This is the first time I've ever known her to do anything like that with any of her kids, DH isn't close to his family at all, they've never fallen out but they're just not the sort of family who've remained close, we send birthday cards and also presents for the kids (not always reciprocated though) and DH messages or calls them occasionally to check in.
I'm in contact with SIL over messenger we're not "close" either but again, never had any arguments or bad feelings (not on my part at least)

DH wanted to message back and ask why I'm not invited but I told him to leave it, SIL & BIL are both divorced so my thinking is that maybe she just wanted it to be her kids and the grandkids?
Im not the sort of person who likes any confrontation or arguments so I'd rather not have him bring it up and potentially cause a rift where there isn't one, but I can't help but feel hurt. We've been together since teenagers and married for over 15 years.

I can't sleep for trying to think of something I might've said or done in the past to offend them but I genuinely can't think of anything.

Am I over thinking it?

Bil and Sil are divorced. Your DH is not. Manipulative behaviour. Do you have kids? Is she seriously expecting to take your family out but not you?

Please don't let this pass. DH needs to have your back and speak to her. And if she doesn't include you or realise her mistake and apologise he needs to pull out and do something with you that day.

Can't you read?
He wants to ask his dm, but op does want him to, instead she wants to sit and conjure up a 100 reasons why.

Panto is expensive so give her some slack. You've had lots of notice. Are the grandkids your children? She might have thought you'd like a break. Or she might have thought you'd want to do something else. Or yes she might have just not wanted to spend the money so chose to keep numbers small.

Personally I’d be pretty happy about that. But you should have just let you DH ask if it was upsetting to you. It may have been an oversight or something.

I’d be relieved not to be invited to a pantomime with a group of friends.

Panto is expensive so give her some slack.

If you can afford as many as she has bought, you can swing to one more. Personally I would never exclude my CIL (I have one) - or book this sort of thing without asking if they wanted to go first. If I couldn't afford one more ticket I'd choose something else to do that everyone can do and I can afford.

DH needs to ask his mother about it.

Maybe it’s a money thing?

How do you know she hasn't already stretched herself to get the tickets she has?

I don't think anything needs to be done and if anything it means you don't have to feel obliged to spend time with MIL when she's older. She's treating you as two seperate people not joined at the hip so your DH can't force you to go and visit her in future.

I'd be relieved to be no where near a Panto with anyone?

Maybe she thinks it's torture OP so is doing it for the kids and not making you endure it?

It's rude to leave one family member out. I've not read other thread so can't comment but I guess people equally have the right to decline if they are busy. Depends on dils reasons. Also disagree with mil just booking like that.

SIL and BIL are your DH's brother is sister, not brother and wife? So she has just invited voodoo relatives, which I a bit inconsiderate towards you, but not actively nasty I would say. I think you're right not to let your DH intervene. What would be the result of that? You'll get a reluctant invite and then feel like a third wheel the whole time.

It’s unreasonable of you not to let your husband ask his mother why she has excluded you (& tell her it’s unacceptable and he won’t be going without you).

This 💯. Why is it that so many people assume that the MIL has bad intentions by doing this? ‘The OP herself said that her DH isn’t close to his family which I assume means that she isn’t close to them either. Neither is it the case that the BIL and SIL have partners who were invited leaving her as the only partner uninvited.

Far from being ‘manipulative’ or ‘rude’ perhaps she is conscious that all her children aren’t close and the wanted that experience with them and their kids only. Within this context, I get it. Why are other posters so entitled on the OP’s behalf?

If you're that stretched doing it that you have to leave one person out, do something different. I would never do this to my son in law.

Entirely this

Are you sure that it isn’t a simple typo on the text and that you have been accidentally left off?
If it isn’t, then your DH should definitely talk to your MIL about it.

I'm sure she didn't deliberately think oh no we'll leave DIL out. But she might have gone ooh I have £200 to spare ill take the grandkids to panto ooh look I can afford to take my children too. She's doing something nice for her children and grandchildren I don't know why it's got OP so upset. Would she want to pay to see panto herself? Probably not so why the fuss.

Do you have family and friends in the town or is your only link that DH's family are there? Its a very different scenario if you are also home visiting people to if you don't know anyone there and you will be sitting alone whilst they are out having fun and exchanging gifts. I would expect DH to message her if the later is the case. "You forgot to mention DW on the message we are really looking forward to spending some time with you all".

It’s not just panto is it, they are having a meal and exchanging gifts, so like a mini Christmas Day. So a bit odd to miss out the DIL. Wonder if she has got you a present @Dollydea

Where are you staying when you are in your hometown? I assume not at your MIL’s as that would be awkward when left on your own. Do you have DC? They will wonder why mum isn’t invited

Are BIL and SIL your DH's siblings, or is one of them an in-law?

Having been the always left out DIL, I get why OP is upset. Especially if it's a pattern of getting the message that you don't count or matter. Also why I would never do this myself. I'd be overjoyed to not have to go myself, but it would be nice to be asked. Maybe also why I have a great relationship with my son in law.

This MIL might not be strong on consideration anyway as she just decided everyone was going, no asking if they wanted to. I'm sure she didn't have malicious intentions but I do think OP's husband should check with his mother what the thought is here.

Sounds like an event for the grandkids - if you don’t have children then why would you expect an invite?
yeah she could have given you one but I don’t see it as terribly rude not to.

People defending this are weird as fuck. Apart from anything else, how is it okay for her to tell her adult son what he’ll be doing, without his wife, for an entire day of his Christmas holidays that he is spending with his wife? Let alone how horrible she’s being deliberately excluding you. She’s being an absolute cow and you should absolutely let DH pull her up on it OP. And if it were my husband he would 100% not be at that pantomime.

What if he wants to go?