To be upset MIL didn't invite me

[Dollydea]

We're travelling back to our home town at Xmas for the first time since before covid, DH got a text from MIL today to say she'd booked pantomime tickets for him, SIL, BIL & the kids whilst we're back, she said they'll all go for a bite to eat afterwards and can exchange gifts then.

This is the first time I've ever known her to do anything like that with any of her kids, DH isn't close to his family at all, they've never fallen out but they're just not the sort of family who've remained close, we send birthday cards and also presents for the kids (not always reciprocated though) and DH messages or calls them occasionally to check in.
I'm in contact with SIL over messenger we're not "close" either but again, never had any arguments or bad feelings (not on my part at least)

DH wanted to message back and ask why I'm not invited but I told him to leave it, SIL & BIL are both divorced so my thinking is that maybe she just wanted it to be her kids and the grandkids?
Im not the sort of person who likes any confrontation or arguments so I'd rather not have him bring it up and potentially cause a rift where there isn't one, but I can't help but feel hurt. We've been together since teenagers and married for over 15 years.

I can't sleep for trying to think of something I might've said or done in the past to offend them but I genuinely can't think of anything.

Am I over thinking it?

If you aren't family did her ds create the dc himself?

Just a thought. How did she word the invite to your husband? If she said, “you” could she have meant both of you?

I honestly think it’s ok for her to want to have an afternoon with her two sons, daughter and her grandchildren, especially is she doesn’t see them much, which is what I’m interpreting from “not close.”

Obviously it’s an invitation not a summons, so if that doesn’t work for her children, or her son won’t come without his wife, that fine too.

If the divorces for her daughter and other son have been recent or acrimonious, perhaps she felt a “just us, no spouses” approach would make them feel
less awkward.

Let your DH ask, and this k about whether you’d actually like to go, or a free few hours to spend with other people who matter to you would be preferable, OP.

I’m sorry, this is just shit. I can’t be how many people are trying to justify it as ok. You invited everyone, see who wants to go and then book the tickets. It is simply nasty to pick what family members you want to include on an activity and then exclude the rest.

@CheeseIsMyPatronus it 100% is a summons if she has already bought tickets!!!

I wouldn’t be upset about the panto tickets, would just ignore that deliberate slight.
But it’s the gift exchanging plans that I would shut down - that’s trying to exclude you from a special activity. The panto is a smokescreen.

Your husband needs to take control here - he can choose to go with the kids, or decline as actually have something else booked the same time. But needs to state that you are doing gifts at a different time and place with your entire family, so that part of the plan doesn’t work for you.

Her other children don’t have partners so that’s irrelevant.

And she hasn’t just ‘invited’ them she’s unilaterally bought the tickets for her son and grandchildren whilst excluding their wife and mother.

I think this is very much like the other MIL thread in that both MIL expect to act like the matriarch and have everyone dance to their tune.

One doesn’t consult the family before the books tickets, and then picks and chooses who goes on the treat; and the other thinks her son and DIL should take “turns” for Christmas and is therefore entitled to a visit from her DIL this year.

god forbid these DIL act like adults and want to be able to choose if they go on a family outing or where to spend Christmas. Mumsnet tells them to suck it up have a bath and enjoy MIL pulling the strings

I have turned down family things like this before for excluding DH, we are a family and will be treat and respected like one.

Also your post doesnt make sense as you say its just her and blood relatives because BIL/SIL devorced but you also say SIL is going.

unless he has a sister too?

It's his sister.

@SarahSissions - nope, that’s her issue to resolve. She’ll have to return them to the box office and hope they are resold. And lesson learned about booking things without checking first.

The MIL can invite who she wants. The invitees can accept or reject or query as they want. Everyone has agency.

Wherever my Dh goes I go and vice versa when it comes to family meet ups.
Unless she asked beforehand if you would like to come and you said no, which she didn't, it is very rude yes.
I would get dh to ask why you weren't invited.

Also lots of people saying they hate panto so would care, maybe OP doesn't think like you?

We like a panto, the kids love it and its a big FAMILY experiance for us that we do every year now.

I would not be 'TOLD' I'm being excluded from MY tradition and experiance I look forward to with MY children by someone who doesn't even have a place in our traditions (if she asked to come with us and be involved thats one thing but shes not going to steal my memories and bonding with the kids).

Go and see your family and friends that day and take the kids to visit your lot? DH can see her by himself and when she asks where the kids are he can tell her as you weren’t invited you’ve made your own plans for the day

Your DH is right - he should query why you're not invited and then you, as a family, can decide it you want to accept the invitation.

As others have said, I'd love the afternoon to myself at that point!

My sister in law would be outraged by this. YANBU to expect at least an invite. A discussion about the date might have been nice too. But bear in mind that his DM will be excited to see her kids and grandkids so she may have lost sight of your feelings and it was probably not intended as a slight.

YANBU, anyone defending this is ridiculous. First of all your DH is not a child and his mother doesn’t get to dictate his plans, second of all part of having adult children is accepting they have families of their own and if you want to be included in their lives you have to include them and their spouse in things. You and your DH are a package deal. It’s absolutely normal to spend time with your parents one on one but not like this. But please don’t say nothing and come to mumsnet to vent, instead let your DH do his job (luckily he seems supportive) and ask his mother why his spouse is excluded. If my mum did something like this I’d simply decline off the bat.

It’s very rude of HRT to exclude you from a family day out when you’re there as a family / including the gift exchange. This is more than just the panto, it is the after event too. Most definitely DH needs to ask MIL why you’re excluded. If it is a case of money, then perhaps buy own ticket. Should’ve been given that option to begin with rather than excluding one member of the family,

exclusion is a snub and if not addressed May well lead hard feelings. No one likes to be excluded.

I could probably get over not being invited to the pantomime but are people missing the bit where where MIL has said they will go for a bite to eat and exchange gifts afterwards? I'd be pissed off not being invited to that. That's like their own private Xmas without you involved

Was also meant to say, please let your DH ask. He has your back.

You're making a big assumption. Your DH needs to ask for clarification.

This has happened to me so many times. I finally stood my ground and received an apology although very insincere and only to appease DH. what message is this sending to your children? Stand up and be counted DH shouldn't even contemplate going without you.

It’s just her grandkids with one parent each ( her children) to help look after them . She hasn’t missed any of those out has she?
Tickets are expensive and there’s no need for you all to go is there? She probably figured you’d see what the plan was and that it wasn’t about whether she likes you or not. Honestly such drama over such an obvious and wholly reasonable scenario. Buy your own ticket if it’s so important.