To be upset MIL didn't invite me

[Dollydea]

We're travelling back to our home town at Xmas for the first time since before covid, DH got a text from MIL today to say she'd booked pantomime tickets for him, SIL, BIL & the kids whilst we're back, she said they'll all go for a bite to eat afterwards and can exchange gifts then.

This is the first time I've ever known her to do anything like that with any of her kids, DH isn't close to his family at all, they've never fallen out but they're just not the sort of family who've remained close, we send birthday cards and also presents for the kids (not always reciprocated though) and DH messages or calls them occasionally to check in.
I'm in contact with SIL over messenger we're not "close" either but again, never had any arguments or bad feelings (not on my part at least)

DH wanted to message back and ask why I'm not invited but I told him to leave it, SIL & BIL are both divorced so my thinking is that maybe she just wanted it to be her kids and the grandkids?
Im not the sort of person who likes any confrontation or arguments so I'd rather not have him bring it up and potentially cause a rift where there isn't one, but I can't help but feel hurt. We've been together since teenagers and married for over 15 years.

I can't sleep for trying to think of something I might've said or done in the past to offend them but I genuinely can't think of anything.

Am I over thinking it?

Would nobody here like the idea of their family going out to reminisce and have a laugh at the panto, talk about christmasses past etc? Because I send dh over to his house roughly once every two months for eg a games night or night in and would love to do the same and savour it (we are all scattered unfortunately). Yes you gain a relative when you marry but surely it doesn’t mean every single time for the rest of your life they have to be there?

I think folks are missing the point.

*They don't all stay in the same country
*OP and her family are visiting over Xmas for the first time in 4 yrs
*MIL has booked panto tickets for everyone apart from OP and excluded her from the present giving meal afterwards

It's pure nastiness and whether OP wants to go or not isn't the issue here

If I've understood it, your DH has 2 siblings and they (the 3 of them) and their children have been invited to the panto by MIL?
Seems ok to me.

But you could ask him to ask why. How will you manage if the answer is "i just want to go out with my bio kids and their children"? will you get huffy? completely understand? demand he goes nc? Panto is shit, I'd much rather not go. If you really really want to go, why not let her know?

Does she think you'll be spending time with your family as it's your home town too? She should have asked and I can't imagine your teenager wanting to go to a pantomime! Very odd. As long as DH has your back on this, don't worry, just say none of you are going.

I'm weird, but I wouldn't like it. My mum isn't the best mum in the world, but she says she has 4 children now (me, sister and our husbands) and my FIL calls me his daughter. It's nice to be part of family. My husband's siblings like their "family time" (just them, no partners) and me and my BIL's girlfriend felt very awkward about it. My husband stopped it once we got married.

Yeah I've told DH to just go, he doesn't want to and neither does teenage DD, I'm not sure a panto is exactly what she had in mind for her short trip back 😂
I've told him not even mention it to them, don't wanna give them the satisfaction to be honest.

To be honest, You are going to be on your own for nearly a whole day and evening, your Husband and DD say they don't want to go. And it's a short trip over the Christmas Period. So In my view, your DH should phone his Mum and say no thanks. If you OP aren't invited then none of you will be meeting them on that particular day

If you don't go, you WILL give MIL and SIL satisfaction because they will think you are bound to be upset ( even if you aren't - although really you are) and this will happen again. And again. If your DH takes the initiative and says there is no way they are going to go if you aren't invited then he will show his Mother that you are his no one priority and she won't try something like this again. It needs to come firmly from him that HE is upset you aren't invited and won't be going either. That will NOT give MIL and SIL the satisfaction

Sorry OP but you really need your DH to cover your back and not just tell them to go as if it doesn't matter

Personally I’d love a night off…but, if my children are going and making lovely Xmas memories, I’d be sad not to be part of this. But then a trip to the panto would be a huge event for us as we never go

I wouldn’t but OP’s situation is out of pure spite on MIL’s part. MIL’s couldn’t get off her arse to visit her own son, OP, and her grandchild when they lived in the UK and still chooses not to but has the nerve to have issue with OP’s family for choosing to see them after they moved and holding it against OP only by not inviting her during their visit here (them once again doing the travelling to see them when she couldn’t be bothered.

SIL had even holidayed close to her own brother’s family and still wanted them to fly and come and see her where she’s at instead of the other way around.

I think it'll be difficult for DH not to go but he certainly can decide and deal with it any way he chooses. But I think you should definitely plan something fabulous for you and teenage DD. Something you can both get excited about.

Huge difference between turning down an invite and excluding one family member.

It sounds like your DH's family are bored and petty @Dollydea Some people will always love to create a problem where there isn't one. How lucky are you to not live close to them? Enjoy seeing your family during your break in the UK and ignore. Plus, the upside for you is not to have to go and watch a panto, that's a big win.

If your dd doesn’t want to go, she shouldn’t. Your dh’s side of the family have made it perfectly clear in so many ways they are pleasing themselves.

I absolutely understand the not visiting thing as dh and I have lived abroad and are from different countries. Bar his father, his family never visits. They have never even bothered to come a mile down the road all the times we stayed with fil.

Does your dh want to go? If he does, perhaps your dh should go and you can do something nice with your dd. If not, just all give it a miss. Please, please yourselves.

Agree with some others here. DH should have your back and ask his mum why you’re not included and point out how weird it is to exclude you.

It might be nastiness but seeing how none of the family are close or make any effort normally, I can’t see it’s a problem. It’s not as if Op and her DH have hosted any of the family either. MIL can’t really not see her own son can she and none of the others are bringing a partner.

Ops daughter isn’t even keen about going and seeing her cousins, aunties etc that she hadn’t seen in years. Its just one of those things that if you show people you don’t care, you can’t expect others to.
They are returning to their home town. Presumably Op will be able to see her own family and friends.
DH and Op will go home at the end of the trip and that will be family visit ticked for another year.

MIL wants to spend quality time with her children and grandkids. It’s not against you,
just that she wants to spend some time with her kids. By the sounds of it she doesn’t get much of that. You’re not her child and fact of the matter is we’re all
different around our spouses. That’s not a bad thing but maybe she just wants some quality time with her children. Sometimes
i like to Spend time just with my brother. Doesn’t mean I don’t like his wife. Just that sometimes I like to be just me and him.
Dont get yourself down, imagining problems that aren’t there.

if your BIL is going then you should be going. Is a cost or there weren’t enough tickets left. Ask now as you may be able to buy yourself a ticket.
what are they planning to do. All get in the car while you wave goodbye?
you should have been asked if you wanted to come. How would MIL feel if you invited them down and then just took out FIL and left her at home

BIL is MILs son, not SILs husband. It says in the OP they're both divorced. So a bit different but still not right!

@Dollydea personally I would book myself in for some very expensive spa treatments at the closest 5* hotel to the panto and just wave and say thanks as you drop off DH and kids and say you are so pleased you weren’t invited as you have been desperate for some time to be spoilt rotten. Afterwards make sure you rave about how much champagne you drank, great food, great treatments etc. obviously make sure DH pays for not confronting MIL too

😂