To be upset MIL didn't invite me

[Dollydea]

We're travelling back to our home town at Xmas for the first time since before covid, DH got a text from MIL today to say she'd booked pantomime tickets for him, SIL, BIL & the kids whilst we're back, she said they'll all go for a bite to eat afterwards and can exchange gifts then.

This is the first time I've ever known her to do anything like that with any of her kids, DH isn't close to his family at all, they've never fallen out but they're just not the sort of family who've remained close, we send birthday cards and also presents for the kids (not always reciprocated though) and DH messages or calls them occasionally to check in.
I'm in contact with SIL over messenger we're not "close" either but again, never had any arguments or bad feelings (not on my part at least)

DH wanted to message back and ask why I'm not invited but I told him to leave it, SIL & BIL are both divorced so my thinking is that maybe she just wanted it to be her kids and the grandkids?
Im not the sort of person who likes any confrontation or arguments so I'd rather not have him bring it up and potentially cause a rift where there isn't one, but I can't help but feel hurt. We've been together since teenagers and married for over 15 years.

I can't sleep for trying to think of something I might've said or done in the past to offend them but I genuinely can't think of anything.

Am I over thinking it?

OP hasn’t asked them to visit them abroad. She has made it clear they are welcome IF they want to visit.

Do you see the distinction?

I think because of the divorce she thought just children and grandchildren would be nice.
Free afternoon off! I'd be delighted, not moaning. I'm sure it was supposed to be inclusive of her kids, not exclusive of you

We very rarely travel back to the U.K.
This will be the first time I've been back since 2019. With school holidays and DH work schedule on top of covid rules etc then we've just not really had the opportunity to do so very often.

To be fair I'm not getting pissy that they don't visit, I'm not really all that bothered if truth be told. They didn't visit when we lived in the U.K., it was always us going to them, so I wasn't expecting that to change when we moved.

I could understand them being annoyed had we visited the U.K. and chose not to see them but we haven't.

I'm more annoyed that it's me who's getting slated whilst DH seems to be totally blameless in their eyes.

Yeah I've told DH to just go, he doesn't want to and neither does teenage DD, I'm not sure a panto is exactly what she had in mind for her short trip back 😂
I've told him not even mention it to them, don't wanna give them the satisfaction to be honest.

I'm tempted to drop DH and the kids off just so I can give MIL & SIL a cheery wave and smile.

Now I know what it's about I'm more bemused than upset.

Well your DH needs to speak to his mother and pretend he has misunderstood and say something along the lines, of thats great, the kids will love it and Dollydea is really looking forward to it, she hasn't been to a panto in years and really loves them. Then wait for her to squirm and explain to him you were not invited and then he can ask why not.

Perhaps her can then tell her he won't be going either, but the dc can go (so they don't miss out) and you 2 go out and have a nice childfree meal instead while MIL is babysitting them at the panto

so if teenage DD doesn't want to go there will be a spare ticket that somebody else could use?......

>insert evil grin emoji

Lucky them, having the invite from Lady Bountiful bestowed on them

🙄

Can't agree. I can't afford to travel to see my parents all the time, and why does their choice of location place obligation on me? My parents located away from their families and guess how often they took us to visit them? Zero times. Now that I've located away myself, I feel no obligation over and above what I can afford and choose. That's what the example they set.

mention it with a smile. “ thank you so much for thinking of me, and how I’d need this down time to relax whilst you take the kids off us.I honestly can’t wait.no one has been that sweet to me. ever!”…

Ridiculous, how pathetic. I would find it hard to be polite in their company TBH.

If DH and teenage DD didn't want to go why force them?

It this context it's incredibly rude to leave you out.

What will you do whilst they are there?
I'm assuming you have your own family to visit or a hotel to stay in so you at least won't be sat in their house alone whilst rhey enjoy theirs day out?

Yeah I've told DH to just go, he doesn't want to and neither does teenage DD, I'm not sure a panto is exactly what she had in mind for her short trip back

I wouldn't tell either of them to go if they don't want to.

It's very rude to book things without checking if they are free.

So due to your update you are def not invited

sue to not seeing them.

madness

dh needs to have your back and say we are coming to U.K. to see people together

not going to spend a day leaving you alone with kids and him and relatives all go out

I disagree with most posters tbh.

Maybe she's trying to do something nice for the divorced SIL and BIL, just the three siblings/mum 'for old times sake' family type thing? Particularly if Christmas is a painful time of year for the divorced SIL and BIL (is there a FIL or has he passed away?)

The 'gift exchange' - it won't be your gifts to your kids or vice versa? It will be mostly gifts that don't affect you - your DH's siblings? Granny to kids? You'll still have your gift exchange with you, DH, kids. It's not like it's christmas day.

...but if you're really sad about it then say something.

Ah - just read your update, sorry - I didn't realise you were abroad. In that case YANBU.

You genuinely can’t see that there’s a difference between

DECIDING that someone is coming, rather than INVITING them, AND excluding someone else.

INVITING 2 people to something and understanding if they choose not to attend?

Thats the difference between this thread and the MIL Christmas thread that you’re referring to. If you genuinely can’t see the difference, there’s no helping you

Give dd's ticket to one of the dc's friends. The loudest one!

My 'in-laws' have a tendency to communicate like this. Always the 'grand gesture'; always childish passive aggressive swipes, never the courage to actually sit down and discuss whatever it is that's bothering them in a direct, adult-like manner. That said, a comment along the lines of 'it's just you; you're different from us and to us different equals bad' doesn't come across too well, and both they and I know that's the reason. (I've tried direct communication, and the result was almost comical).

I'm glad you found out her real motives, OP; shows how it's impossible to take people like this seriously and you can go off and enjoy yourself whilst they make their point. In my case, I just took a large stride backwards and disengaged. I'm polite and cordial, and that's about it.

Life's too short for idiotic behaviour like this.

YANBU

Could it be a mistake in the text message?

If not then you are being left out. It’s selfish and petty. You should be included.

Your DH is right to raise it with her. Nip this behaviour in the bud now or she’ll think she can do it all of the time.

BIL & SIL is not your concern here. So what if they’re divorced.

On the flip side you could use it to your advantage if you would like some “me” time. But honestly it would get my back up too.

Well I think your MIL behaviour is a disgrace. To purposefully exclude you from the panto and meal when you and your DH and Kids are visiting for the first time in 4 yrs. What does she expect you to do? hang out in the hotel?

Its nasty and I wouldn't be going if my mum tried to exclude my DH. Sick of bloody MIL always focussing their frustrations about lack of contact on the DIL- I mean did they not bring their DS up to have an opinion?

Let your DH deal with it as it's his choice whether he wants to raise it with his own mother and whether he goes.

Ahhh, I know it very well. My SIL is exactly the same. We've been together for 8 years, there was family event, and she texted my husband if he's coming (and in Polish it's very clear if you're talking about one person or two and more people- you can't just misunderstand it as "you" in English). I said fuck it. I'm not some random girl you picked in a club last night. We were engaged back then! My husband had my back and told her it would be nice if she finally accepted the fact, he's not single, but actually shares life with a woman. Your MIL sounds incredibly petty. Just drop DH and kids off and wave her with middle finger.

God me too. I hate pantos!

I think you should let your husband ask.

Also, I’d be upset not to see my kids opening presents from their grandmother and possibly from aunt, uncle and cousins ….

Sounds like MIL might be the one overthinking. I have dealt with this on both sides of my family. Not being included in family photos, death notices! because not a 'real' member of family as not married but in a decade long relationship etc. On my side being invited to dinners not knowing that others had been excluded because 'they'd only want to bring everyone'. Inheritance only going to blood that I stood up about Again without knowledge getting preference for baby sitting/ sleepovers. Can see how it looked in retrospect but did try to intervene at multiple points and I became the enemy. Got tired of hearing all these 'truths' about me that only existed in the heads of others so stepped back which got me labelled strange, entitled, judgemental: take your pick. Longer ramble than intended. But my question is how much do you want to go to that panto?😂

Why would she invite you? You're not close. She has invited her children and grandchildren, what's wrong with that?

It's not like she invited another DIL or SIL and left you out. Nothing to see here, move on.