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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this amount of 'me time' is a bit excessive...?

213 replies

Aprilshowers123 · 31/10/2022 19:02

Hello! First timer... Could do with some thoughts as I'm at a bit of a crossroads and not sure which way to turn. It's leave (YANBU) or stay (YABU).

Been with DP for 6 years, lived together for 2.5 years, my DC is 15 (DP is not his dad, DC's dad is not involved). This is an average week with my DP:

Workaholic - finishes at 5pm but doesn't get home until 8pm or later, goes to the gym for at least an hour everyday after he finishes, talks about work a lot and will spend probably another hour or two working on the laptop

Hobby - 1-2 nights a week during the week, goes straight after work, gets home after 11pm, I'm usually asleep by then. Every Saturday all day usually gets home about 8pm, and every Sunday morning.

Family - all day Sunday (goes straight from hobby) until the evening, usually 7ish, visiting his DM and DSis (disabled)

Socialises and likes to binge drink, sometimes every weekend, but always at least once a month.

We are supposed to be getting married next year and he desperately wants me to have a baby (at least one)... AIBU to think his 'me time' is excessive and I'd be ridiculous to think he'd change...?

I've talked to him about it before and asked him to make more of an effort to compromise and be around a bit more especially as he wants a baby, he says sorry, he's selfish, he'll make more of an effort blah blah blah then nothing changes...

Definitely not OW situation..

I love him, he loves me, but I'm not happy...

OP posts:
ParentallyUnprepared · 31/10/2022 19:04

You'll regret having children with him.

Don't do it.

Deadcatsboneytale · 31/10/2022 19:04

Leave

lilroo87 · 31/10/2022 19:05

He definitely will not change if you have a baby.
That's a lot of time he spends not with you and you'll essentially be doing everything for the baby with little help.
It's not what I would want and doesn't seem to be what you want either so I'd say either stay and not have a child with him or leave and find happiness somewhere else

MovingOnUpp · 31/10/2022 19:05

Don’t have a baby with him, you’ll be lumbered doing all the childcare. I have friends like you and your DP and years on the wives moan all the time and the husbands seem to have the life of a single man.

RoseLemon · 31/10/2022 19:06

What @ParentallyUnprepared said. You'll regret having children with him as you'll be left to do everything while he continues with his me time.

CSR721 · 31/10/2022 19:06

I would not be having a child with this man until he has SHOWN he is willing to be around more. SHOWN. Not just says he'll cut back or whatever, he would need to actually do it first.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 31/10/2022 19:06

YANBU he won’t change sorry

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/10/2022 19:06

You can put up with this. I wouldn't but that's your choice.

Don't do it to a baby.

SamanthaVimes · 31/10/2022 19:06

There’s no way he’ll change if you have a baby, you’ll end up doing everything

BaffledShopper · 31/10/2022 19:07

My sister's friend's partner has a complete personality transformation after they got married. All of a sudden she was on a pedestal and was receiving flowers, attention, etc... I'm not sure if/how long it lasted as sis is no longer in touch with them.
Just pointing out that some men do behave "better" after marrriage.

MadameDe · 31/10/2022 19:08

I wouldn't do it. It will get worse with a baby involved.

Mynoodlesareoodles · 31/10/2022 19:09

He's desperate to have kids as there will be no consequences for him. He's already lied about changing. He doesn't seem keen to spend time with you as it is. He's showing you who he is - he will only get worse when there are babies at home.

Imogensmumma · 31/10/2022 19:11

Ask him to write in his schedule how/when he will look after the DC do housework relieve you?

Then tell him you need to see it in action otherwise don’t do it to yourself or a baby as you will be a single mum

TwilightSkies · 31/10/2022 19:12

Don’t have a baby with him. He’s shown you who he is. He’s not even trying to hide it!

Alertthecorgis · 31/10/2022 19:14

I’m not sure I’d have kids with him. He sounds like he barely has any time for you let alone when he’s coming home to a child. He’ll probably claim he needs ‘me time’ as he’s got such a hectic work life.

MovingOnUpp · 31/10/2022 19:15

Imagine your life in a few years, say at home on your own in the evenings caring for the baby and how it would be if you don’t have one. Your DC could be working or at uni.
Do you have any hobbies OP or do you get out and see friends or family?

AuraBora · 31/10/2022 19:15

I think the way you say 'he desperately wants me to have a baby' is very telling. It would be you having the baby and doing all the care for it. If he can hardly make time for you now, how on earth would he make time for you and the baby?

I think there is very little likelihood things would get better after having a baby, likely worse as the resentment will build, on both sides - he's already admitted he is selfish, and will resent the decreased lack of me time,and you will resent him for not pulling his weight and being around enough.

I guess it's possible he could miraculously change once a baby came along, but it's not.a risk I think I'd take..

mamabear715 · 31/10/2022 19:16

Sorry flower, it's a no from me, too..

Jubaju · 31/10/2022 19:18

You don’t see him all weekend?

I wouldn’t have his baby- I’d look for a more present partner

Arenanewbie · 31/10/2022 19:23

His week doesn’t look like a week of a family man for me. Have you at least got good sex out of this arrangement?
I wonder how much his week would change without you in his life. Probably not much, sorry.

StripeyDeckchair · 31/10/2022 19:24

Hes barely ever there!
I bet you do all the housework, shopping, cooking, admin etc

Having a child these circumstances would be becoming a single mother.

What are you getting out of this relationship? I can't see any positive.

I think I'd end it. I wouldn't trust him to make any permanent changes, he sounds quite selfish.

VladmirsPoutine · 31/10/2022 19:24

Do you want to have a baby? In this scenario I wouldn't.

Sidge · 31/10/2022 19:24

Not much of a relationship is it. When do you actually spend any time together?

My DP and I live an hour apart, only see each other at weekends and we still spend more time together than you do!

Don’t marry him. And definitely don’t have a baby with him.

Crunchymum · 31/10/2022 19:26

I assume he does fuck all around the house?

What is your financial situation? Do you work?

It would be a categoric no from me. Don't marry him, don't have a baby with him. Cut him loose and find someone who appreciates your worth.

PeekAtYou · 31/10/2022 19:29

He needs to show you that he's ready to prioritise someone who is not himself. Don't have a baby with this man unless you accept doing it all yourself and him spending a handful of hours a week seeing the baby.

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