To think this amount of 'me time' is a bit excessive...?

[Aprilshowers123]

Hello! First timer... Could do with some thoughts as I'm at a bit of a crossroads and not sure which way to turn. It's leave (YANBU) or stay (YABU).

Been with DP for 6 years, lived together for 2.5 years, my DC is 15 (DP is not his dad, DC's dad is not involved). This is an average week with my DP:

Workaholic - finishes at 5pm but doesn't get home until 8pm or later, goes to the gym for at least an hour everyday after he finishes, talks about work a lot and will spend probably another hour or two working on the laptop

Hobby - 1-2 nights a week during the week, goes straight after work, gets home after 11pm, I'm usually asleep by then. Every Saturday all day usually gets home about 8pm, and every Sunday morning.

Family - all day Sunday (goes straight from hobby) until the evening, usually 7ish, visiting his DM and DSis (disabled)

Socialises and likes to binge drink, sometimes every weekend, but always at least once a month.

We are supposed to be getting married next year and he desperately wants me to have a baby (at least one)... AIBU to think his 'me time' is excessive and I'd be ridiculous to think he'd change...?

I've talked to him about it before and asked him to make more of an effort to compromise and be around a bit more especially as he wants a baby, he says sorry, he's selfish, he'll make more of an effort blah blah blah then nothing changes...

Definitely not OW situation..

I love him, he loves me, but I'm not happy...

You’ve talked, he says he’d change, he hasn’t.

Having a baby would make things worse.

Do you have ANY quality time together?

OP based on your update, do not have a baby unless you're reconciled to doing all the parenting yourself and you really, really want one.He's not going to give up on his hobbies or me time.

I have a 16 year old and the thought of going back to the newborn stage is terrifying <thankfully a logistical impossibility for myself>.

Find some hobbies of your own now your DS is a bit older.

He's not a very good worker, is he, if it takes him that long to do a job that isn't brilliantly paid?

I couldn't see the point of him, tbh. You are subsidising his lifestyle while working your arse off for the family. Why on earth would you want to have a baby with him when he's not even there most of the time?

Would you want any child you have with him to have an absent father, because that is what he would be.

I wouldn't marry him, either. What would be in it for you?

You basically see him a few hours a week bring in the most money and do all the housework etc. You have a lazy teenager.

I’m not sure what you are getting out of the current set up tbh. The money is fine its the shirking of any housework And time with you I would be concerned about. He’s not pulling his weight at all. You having a baby would just be a baby ontop of all your other tasks, he would carry on as normal but thinking you are less likely to chuck him.

I’m going to be blunt he doesn’t seem to want to spend much time with you. Forget the baby I think you should leave the relationship.

Yanbu. What a man child!

So you basically never see him? Fuck that.

If your not happy now then do not marry him. He sounds very dull

You would be a fool to hitch yourself to this user

Not sure when your 'relationship' actually happens to be honest..
You dont need this man.. you are already doing everything!
You really do deserve better....
And your kids already know that....

he wants a baby

Do you want a baby @Aprilshowers123?

If you’ve told him how you feel and the behaviour has continued, he’s unlikely to change after you have a child together and you will be stuck with him forever, in one form or another. If you have the strength and motivation to leave, I’d say leave. Find someone that wants to spend time with you.

He wants an amazing, full life - for himself. With you doing all the work and admin and earning the bulk to facilitate that. Why would he change? Only reason is to make you happy. You’ve asked him to, and he hasn’t.

This is a dead horse. Don’t keep flogging it.

Sorry.

So you see him Saturday and Sunday evenings for a couple of hours and that's not even a guarantee if he goes out? Fuck that. What's the point of the relationship if you never spend time together? I'd leave.

I'd tell him the proof needs to be in the pudding. No wedding or trying for a baby until he's back straight from work 3 nights per week and cuts hobby/family down to 1 weekend day which leaves you a full weekend day together.
If he can't commit for a prolonged period then he clearly doesn't having a family with you.

He has demonstrated a poor attitude towards being a step dad hasn’t he? You haven’t mentioned him doing anything together as a family, despite him being in your son’s life since he was around 9 years old? Would him being a father be any different?

I think he has very rigid notions on women’s work and parenting falls entirely on you with this man.

What a load of codswallop! Please do not spread such ridiculous misinformation - this literally never happens, if anything men with lazy/controlling personality traits get worse after marriage as they think they have you trapped.

OP - you'd be mad to have a baby with this selfish arse - you know this!

Why does he want a baby?

He's not a keeper. Its all about him not caring for you..ditch

He would be a terrible dad to inflict upon a child.

He’s a terrible partner. A decent man would ensure that doing their fair share of household chores took priority over hobbies and socialising because they respect and care for their partner.

Id kick him out. You deserve to be happy. Love is not enough.

There doesn’t sound anything good about him. The whole situation is ridiculous. Have some respect for yourself and find someone who deigns for spend a few hours a week with you.

At this rate he won’t be around enough to get you pregnant.

You want different things. His want - which I don’t believe - with no responsibilities nowhere trumps your need for a meaningful relationship & family life.

You are subsidising his selfish self absorbed life by doing the financial heavy lifting, life admin & running the home. What is in this for you ?
He’s got you on a treadmill of his choice promising just enough to keep you running.

Alas, you have been disappointed & let down before. Rather than hang on to this fella to avoid the pain of hurt & rejection again, take a big deep breath, brace yourself & get the first move in yourself.

Put an end to this sunk cost fallacy saga.

You don't have a partner, you have a single male (cock)lodger! You earn most of the money, you do the housework, and you provide meals, and sex, and all the comforts of home. He shows up to sleep.

Do not have a child with him.
Do not expect him to change.
Find someone who actually wants to spend time with you.

What do you get out of this arrangement, OP?

This