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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this amount of 'me time' is a bit excessive...?

213 replies

Aprilshowers123 · 31/10/2022 19:02

Hello! First timer... Could do with some thoughts as I'm at a bit of a crossroads and not sure which way to turn. It's leave (YANBU) or stay (YABU).

Been with DP for 6 years, lived together for 2.5 years, my DC is 15 (DP is not his dad, DC's dad is not involved). This is an average week with my DP:

Workaholic - finishes at 5pm but doesn't get home until 8pm or later, goes to the gym for at least an hour everyday after he finishes, talks about work a lot and will spend probably another hour or two working on the laptop

Hobby - 1-2 nights a week during the week, goes straight after work, gets home after 11pm, I'm usually asleep by then. Every Saturday all day usually gets home about 8pm, and every Sunday morning.

Family - all day Sunday (goes straight from hobby) until the evening, usually 7ish, visiting his DM and DSis (disabled)

Socialises and likes to binge drink, sometimes every weekend, but always at least once a month.

We are supposed to be getting married next year and he desperately wants me to have a baby (at least one)... AIBU to think his 'me time' is excessive and I'd be ridiculous to think he'd change...?

I've talked to him about it before and asked him to make more of an effort to compromise and be around a bit more especially as he wants a baby, he says sorry, he's selfish, he'll make more of an effort blah blah blah then nothing changes...

Definitely not OW situation..

I love him, he loves me, but I'm not happy...

OP posts:
WhatHappenedToYoyos · 31/10/2022 20:16

He might change if you force him to but there's no guarantee once a baby comes along that he wouldn't eventually fall back in to his pattern of coming home late, not being around etc. Personally I wouldn't want to be with a person who I have to force to spend time with me and a hypothetical baby.

Maytodecember · 31/10/2022 20:18

Well he said it —- he’s selfish. That’s not going to change and you’ll be trying to meet the needs of a 16 year old and a baby, alone. ( my memories of 16 year olds are driving here, there and everywhere at all hours)
Your life, your choice.

Greydogs123 · 31/10/2022 20:19

There’s no way he’d change if you had a baby and it doesn’t even seem like he wants a partner, as he never sees you!
What on earth do you get out of this relationship and what would you be teaching a child about relationships, if you had one?

IWishICouldDance · 31/10/2022 20:20

How do you know you love him if you only see him 20 min a week? I wouldn't have a baby with him, well you'd struggle to have one as it is as you don't appear to spend much time in oneanother's company.

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 31/10/2022 20:20

Why on earth are you with him??

Let alone engaged to him and thinking about having a baby!!my hat would be ridiculous

I'd leave now

Corcory · 31/10/2022 20:23

The whole situation sounds more like you are the housekeeper with benefits - to him! Does he do anything at all around the house or with you? Please please don't marry him and certainly don't have a baby with him.

Notmyyearthisyear · 31/10/2022 20:23

Don’t do it for the sake of the baby, your other child, and yourself!!

feelingfree17 · 31/10/2022 20:24

If resentment towards him hasn’t set in already - just wait until there was a baby in the frame.
Don’t even consider a baby with this man (child)

Original poster
Aprilshowers123 · 31/10/2022 20:24

We got the place where we live now together, we pay 50/50ish for household costs (I pay for a few extra small bills), I earn a bit more and save it and spend on holidays. We have both quite well paid jobs so the 'family time' tends to be on holiday, mainly in the summer, Xmas and Easter. I will need to be the one that suggests/plans/books anything for us to have time together. We always have a really great time, then it's back to this for the rest of the time. He takes my DC out once a week for a couple of hours to do an activity (this is very recent).

I've told him I'm not happy and that despite promising xyz he hasn't delivered, he'll cry, beg me not to go, he loves me etc.

It's tough, but you're all right. I know what I need to do, I just needed to hear it!!

OP posts:
DamnUserName21 · 31/10/2022 20:24

5128gap · 31/10/2022 19:34

So, if I'm reading this right, he only chooses to spend from 8pm until bedtime on Saturday wand from 7pm until bedtime on Sunday with you? The rest of the time he prefers to be elsewhere with other people?
That's not a partner OP. At best it's a two date a week bf, at worst is someone who just wants to share the bills and a warm bed at night. Oh, and someone to and raise his kids as a bonus.
Unless you have an equally low desire for time spent with a partner, then you are being very shortchanged in this situation.

^This.
Get rid, OP.

LaurieFairyCake · 31/10/2022 20:24

Say 'fine, give it all up now for 2 years to do half the housework and step parent THIS kid and then we'll talk'

Let us know how many days the above happens for ^^

PearlclutchersInc · 31/10/2022 20:24

You'd be bonkers to marry him much less have another child - unless he changes ...... or you want to be a single parent.

Is he a high flyer and your comfortable lifestyle worth it?

Brigante9 · 31/10/2022 20:27

He won’t change. You’d be raising a child alone.

Tigofigo · 31/10/2022 20:28

So you see him three nights a week for a few hours, during which time he's mostly working on his laptop or talking about work...?!

Leaving you to do 90% of everything.

Fuck that.

You'd have much less to do without him there.

AbsoluteYawns · 31/10/2022 20:30

OMG OP.
Don't have a baby with this selfish man!

Dixiechickonhols · 31/10/2022 20:31

Do not have a baby under any circumstances with him.
As a couple I personally wouldn’t mind some of his time away as I like my space and would do own thing but he’s not wanting to spend any time together.

Carpedimum · 31/10/2022 20:31

Run like the wind! I didn’t - he didn’t change his routine and it all got worse post baby.

Jem57 · 31/10/2022 20:32

Not a chance I would marry him,just don’t.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 31/10/2022 20:32

Sorry OP - you deserve better, let alone a child. He forgot the second part of the sentence - I know I am selfish AND THIS IS WHAT I AM GOING TO DO. And then he will check back with you in 6 months to see how you feel it is going.

andmostofallyouletyourselfdown · 31/10/2022 20:33

Run for the hills.

pilates · 31/10/2022 20:34

Don’t do it

Weirdlynormal · 31/10/2022 20:35

Christ, you’ve got an independent grown child and HE wants you to do it all again, and it will be ALL again.

glad you’re seeing this now OP. Hard to leave, but not half as being a single mum again.

Happytohelp2 · 31/10/2022 20:37

And because you’re the main earner do NOT marry him or you’ll find yourself losing out financially if/when you divorce. It’s crazy but that’s the way it works.

Dinosaurhearmeroar · 31/10/2022 20:37

Wtf is this man doing? When does he have time to go to the loo? Is he Jack Bauer from 24 (or a more current reference)? If you have a baby what’s going to happen then? He won’t be able to work such long hours nor indulge in his hobby for a while. This sounds so one sided and he sounds rly selfish. I think that will only get worse with a baby.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 31/10/2022 20:38

Christ no! You’ve done the baby/toddler years. Why would you want to go back to that now your DS is mid teens. Esp with someone like your ‘DP’.