Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this amount of 'me time' is a bit excessive...?

213 replies

Aprilshowers123 · 31/10/2022 19:02

Hello! First timer... Could do with some thoughts as I'm at a bit of a crossroads and not sure which way to turn. It's leave (YANBU) or stay (YABU).

Been with DP for 6 years, lived together for 2.5 years, my DC is 15 (DP is not his dad, DC's dad is not involved). This is an average week with my DP:

Workaholic - finishes at 5pm but doesn't get home until 8pm or later, goes to the gym for at least an hour everyday after he finishes, talks about work a lot and will spend probably another hour or two working on the laptop

Hobby - 1-2 nights a week during the week, goes straight after work, gets home after 11pm, I'm usually asleep by then. Every Saturday all day usually gets home about 8pm, and every Sunday morning.

Family - all day Sunday (goes straight from hobby) until the evening, usually 7ish, visiting his DM and DSis (disabled)

Socialises and likes to binge drink, sometimes every weekend, but always at least once a month.

We are supposed to be getting married next year and he desperately wants me to have a baby (at least one)... AIBU to think his 'me time' is excessive and I'd be ridiculous to think he'd change...?

I've talked to him about it before and asked him to make more of an effort to compromise and be around a bit more especially as he wants a baby, he says sorry, he's selfish, he'll make more of an effort blah blah blah then nothing changes...

Definitely not OW situation..

I love him, he loves me, but I'm not happy...

OP posts:
Geppili · 01/11/2022 01:59

He is living a single life and will continue to do so if you get married and have a child.

kateandme · 01/11/2022 02:01

Aprilshowers123 · 31/10/2022 21:54

I've read, re-read and then read all of your posts again. I've always been made to feel silly, unreasonable and as if I should be content with what I've got when I've spoken to him about this and squished down how I'm feeling and just got on with it, feeling increasingly let down and disappointed by the broken promises. You've all made me feel validated and I appreciate it. Thank you for that, and thank you for spurring me on to make the decision I've known for a long time I've needed to make.

The fact you made this thread shows you new there was a problem op,and needed support and being strong enough to go through with it.
he won’t change.his child will resent him,and be damaged because of his absence.forever not being good enough for dad to be at home.
a pp totted up how much he is with you.ha it’s f laughable. And really sad for you.you deserve so much better than that.
you deserve a baby with some one who wants to be a family.
if he hasn’t been able to change for you now what will make it any different with a baby.in fact I think it would make his need to be out even worse!
you shouldn’t need to ask on man about having a child with someone. You’d very very much no if it was a yes.

SillySausage81 · 01/11/2022 02:33

I read this post thinking "well it's not that bad, at least they don't have young children together," and then I got to the line about wanting a baby...

So glad to hear the updates OP and best of luck x

pigcon1 · 01/11/2022 02:40

Do not get married

Dinosaurhearmeroar · 01/11/2022 03:02

Good for you. Know your worth. You deserve more. Hold firm - at times it can be easier to stay but think long term. You will get through this.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/11/2022 03:03

Of course he will beg you not to leave, he has the best of all worlds!

He has a cook, housekeeper, PA and (potentially) nanny who not only doesnt charge him for her services but actually pays him to be his slave! Lets not go into the fact that he gets regular dependable sex.

Bin this dick head off and be bloody grateful that you are intelligent enough to spot the signs early enough to head it off, a lot of women dont. Just spare a moment in your prayers for the next one, who will probably fall for it.....

larkstar · 01/11/2022 03:34

He sounds like a selfish teenage son not a partner for life. You've had 6 years together and 2.5 years living together and no doubt this has come up many times in discussions with him no doubt. He would have to change dramatically - that's never going to happen.

What is the living together arrangement - do you rent together?

User112 · 01/11/2022 03:53

What’s your role in this relationship OP? He spends Sundays with his family. Rest of the time is for work and hobbies. Where are you ???

emptythelitterbox · 01/11/2022 04:23

He's acting like a single man and you're his mum.
Of course he'll say you're silly and unreasonable. All of it suits him and only him. He's got a cushy deal.

No way would I be starting over with a baby when I have a 15 year old.

Glad you're seeing him for what he really is.
You'll be looking forward to a new happier year once you're unchained from this anchor.

Gingernan · 01/11/2022 04:56

Tell him babies are a massive commitment and he isn't there enough as it is. He could change but he could become even more absent.My son in law is a good dad but doesn't pull his weight around the kids at all, more the fun stuff. My husband was the same, it does make for resentment.

georgarina · 01/11/2022 08:20

Good luck OP

I'd say he wants a baby to trap you with him, honestly. You're bringing in the money and doing all the housework - he's onto a good thing, and wants to lock it down.

Run away!!!

IncompleteSenten · 01/11/2022 08:22

You would have to be an idiot to have a baby with him.

You already know you'll be left doing everything.

It will be disastrous.

WickedStepmomNOT · 07/11/2022 15:54

3487642l · 01/11/2022 01:49

Hat's off to you for thinking this through before getting pregnant to this man. You are dodging a bullet.

^ This with bells on. Run!

Hamster1111 · 07/11/2022 16:09

That is not the timetable of a family man. Or even a man in a relationship. He conducts his life like he is single - but presumably with all his housework, life admin, and sexual are needs catered to by you. I'd run a mile. What on earth are you getting out of this relationship?

Vinylloving · 07/11/2022 16:11

Don't do it! I can think of a few examples of men like this but even then they at least appeared to be likely to be an equal partner, with the change coming later. Your dp is already like it!!

Original poster
Aprilshowers123 · 09/12/2022 20:31

So here I am in my new place, I left him and feel a bit terrified... but deep down know I've done the right thing. Thank you all for your advice

OP posts:
Americano75 · 09/12/2022 20:39

Aprilshowers123 · 09/12/2022 20:31

So here I am in my new place, I left him and feel a bit terrified... but deep down know I've done the right thing. Thank you all for your advice

Congratulations on your new chapter!

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/12/2022 20:44

Aprilshowers123 · 09/12/2022 20:31

So here I am in my new place, I left him and feel a bit terrified... but deep down know I've done the right thing. Thank you all for your advice

<shakes off Pom poms>

Good job OP!

oviraptor21 · 09/12/2022 20:44

Well done! It's a massive leap into the unknown but it doesn't sound like there was any future to be had with him.

ShirleyPhallus · 09/12/2022 20:46

Aprilshowers123 · 09/12/2022 20:31

So here I am in my new place, I left him and feel a bit terrified... but deep down know I've done the right thing. Thank you all for your advice

Ah well done! Exciting times ahead!

anythinginapinch · 09/12/2022 20:49

Oh you star! op well done

Fairyliz · 09/12/2022 20:52

I’m wondering how you are actually going to have a child with this man as you don’t seem to spend enough time together to do the deed.

ShirleyPhallus · 09/12/2022 20:54

Fairyliz · 09/12/2022 20:52

I’m wondering how you are actually going to have a child with this man as you don’t seem to spend enough time together to do the deed.

Yeah she probably isn’t… read the update!

Babysharkdoodoodood · 09/12/2022 20:54

Fairyliz · 09/12/2022 20:52

I’m wondering how you are actually going to have a child with this man as you don’t seem to spend enough time together to do the deed.

RTFT!
🤦🏽‍♀️

liarliarshortsonfire · 09/12/2022 20:59

Well done op, you deserve to be with someone who wants to spend time with you and is emotionally mature enough to take on his fair share of the adulting in the relationship