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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this amount of 'me time' is a bit excessive...?

213 replies

Aprilshowers123 · 31/10/2022 19:02

Hello! First timer... Could do with some thoughts as I'm at a bit of a crossroads and not sure which way to turn. It's leave (YANBU) or stay (YABU).

Been with DP for 6 years, lived together for 2.5 years, my DC is 15 (DP is not his dad, DC's dad is not involved). This is an average week with my DP:

Workaholic - finishes at 5pm but doesn't get home until 8pm or later, goes to the gym for at least an hour everyday after he finishes, talks about work a lot and will spend probably another hour or two working on the laptop

Hobby - 1-2 nights a week during the week, goes straight after work, gets home after 11pm, I'm usually asleep by then. Every Saturday all day usually gets home about 8pm, and every Sunday morning.

Family - all day Sunday (goes straight from hobby) until the evening, usually 7ish, visiting his DM and DSis (disabled)

Socialises and likes to binge drink, sometimes every weekend, but always at least once a month.

We are supposed to be getting married next year and he desperately wants me to have a baby (at least one)... AIBU to think his 'me time' is excessive and I'd be ridiculous to think he'd change...?

I've talked to him about it before and asked him to make more of an effort to compromise and be around a bit more especially as he wants a baby, he says sorry, he's selfish, he'll make more of an effort blah blah blah then nothing changes...

Definitely not OW situation..

I love him, he loves me, but I'm not happy...

OP posts:
whatdoyouthinkhonestly · 31/10/2022 20:39

Wow! That's all well and good if he's single but he wants a baby?!

DH was one for multiple hobbies but I said in no uncertain terms that if he wanted a baby he'd be cutting down. I then waited until he did as he said he'd do, maintained it , and then we had kids.

FangyPankiwoo · 31/10/2022 20:39

No

saltedcaramel1 · 31/10/2022 20:42

Pretty much what everyone else has said, but also what's he like with your DC? @Aprilshowers123

If he never sees you, presumably he never sees them either! What's their relationship like? He's effectively been in stepdad role for 6 years?

I wouldn't want to have a baby with someone who wasn't prioritising my existing child honestly.

Sorry, I know it's sad to hear but I think you were posting because you wanted honest opinions Flowers

bewarethetides · 31/10/2022 20:42

He doesn't want to be a dad. Dads are there for their children. He won't be. He just wants to reproduce and dump a baby on you to raise. Because Nothing Will Change.

And I think you know this.

Do not marry or have a baby with this man. You deserve someone who isn't treating you like the main meal ticket AND the person doing ALL the heavy lifting at home while he focuses on his own job, his hobby, his binge drinking and his mother/sister ... you're just a bedwarmer when he deigns to come home late at night.

I'd ask him to pack up his things and go this weekend. Show your son this is not now you treat a woman you profess to love.

MarigoldMoonStone · 31/10/2022 20:42

So you see him 8pm till bedtime 3 weeknights a week and Sunday evening & that’s it??
when does he find the time to binge drink
How have you even maintained a relationship?

YANBU, leave x

billy1966 · 31/10/2022 20:43

OP, you have very very low standards.

You would want to be out of your mind to have another baby at this stage.

He has zero interest in being with you.

He obviously will miss the housekeeping you take care of but you are clearly being used.

Get into counselling before you make a decision you really regret.

You deserve so much better than being a convience for this very selfish man.

Herejustforthisone · 31/10/2022 20:47

ParentallyUnprepared · 31/10/2022 19:04

You'll regret having children with him.

Don't do it.

Read this. Then read it again. Then again.

He’s utterly selfish and his selfishness is not compatible with him being a good father. Don’t trap yourself with this douche.

musicviking1 · 31/10/2022 20:47

Sounds like he is never around therefore, you may as well be single as you practically live a single life.

billy1966 · 31/10/2022 20:48

He also doesn't want to be a father.

He wants to procreate and find a mug who will do all the work and pay her way.

Like I said, you really have low standards.

Get the hell away from him before you ruin your life.

glamourousindierockandroll · 31/10/2022 20:52

I agree it's not looking good.

Fine for him to have work and hobbies but he doesn't sound like he likes being at home much and seems to take you for granted. It might be different if the hobby was something you also shared, but he seems to be living a single man's life. Do you ever just do things for the two of you? Walks, meals, days out etc?

Herejustforthisone · 31/10/2022 20:52

billy1966 · 31/10/2022 20:48

He also doesn't want to be a father.

He wants to procreate and find a mug who will do all the work and pay her way.

Like I said, you really have low standards.

Get the hell away from him before you ruin your life.

I always like your posts @billy1966. I don’t know anything about you but you always strike me as a protective mum.

PollyAmour · 31/10/2022 20:56

This doesn't even sound like a relationship, you barely spend any time together. Why does he want the commitment of a child when he's busy busy busy all the time? Also, major red flag with the binge drinking issue.

I'd definitely swerve having a child with this selfish, self-absorbed man.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 31/10/2022 20:58

I've told him I'm not happy and that despite promising xyz he hasn't delivered, he'll cry, beg me not to go, he loves me etc

Course he will. You do 90% of the grunt work around the house, earn more money than him and enable him to spend all of his none working time as he pleases.

And yes, you would be ridiculous to think that marriage or a baby would change him. He sounds selfish.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 31/10/2022 21:02

Also, do YOU want another baby OP? Under any circumstances? If your DC is nearly 15 now, you are so close to getting your freedom back, do you really want to go back to square one?

If it's what YOU want, and are prepared to go it alone if needs be, cos it sounds like you will, then go for it. But have a real think about if it's what you really want. Personally I wouldn't want to start again. Don't have a baby just because he says he wants one.

thebirdysong · 31/10/2022 21:03

You don’t sound like YOU want a baby…

CarefreeMe · 31/10/2022 21:03

OP your DC is 15.

That means they’ll be at least 16 before the baby is born if you TTC soon.

Do you really want to go back to the constantly dependent baby, toddler and young child stage!

I’m not judging anyone that does but I couldn’t think of anything worse.

This is your time now for you to enjoy your freedom.
Don’t let him guilty you into having a baby.

FusionChefGeoff · 31/10/2022 21:06

If you love someone, generally speaking, that means you want to spend time with them.

He spends about 6 hours a week with you from what I can work out.

I'd say he doesn't love you that much I'm afraid.

ChateauMargaux · 31/10/2022 21:06

Wow.. so you do 90% of the house and life admin, save for, plan and organise 3 holidays per year where he comes along and you all have a nice time and then he goes back to his own life, were he rocks up late in the evening to a house where he has no responsibilities.... that is not a partnership.

You have already spent the last 15 years putting your child first.. if you had a baby, you would go back to the start...

Turn around, live your life, enjoy having a nearly adult as a child and look forward, not backwards!!

greenisblack · 31/10/2022 21:08

You lost me at hobby finishing 11pm. Nonsense and selfish

Maybebabyno2 · 31/10/2022 21:09

My partner works till 11 mon-fri. Because I don't see him much in the week, he prioritises me and ds at the weekend. He also spends a significant amount of his mornings off cleaning, doing the food shop, brining me cups of coffee when I work at home. If he was out all day then didn't come home in the evening and then didn't see me on weekends, I would leave quite honestly. What sort of relationship is that?

juliadorking · 31/10/2022 21:11

It doesn't look like he has time for you - let alone a baby.

LimeTwists · 31/10/2022 21:17

If you have a baby while he’s still in this mode / phase of his lifea, the shock to his system and lifestyle is going to be so major it’s unlikely he won’t spend every hour of his missing ‘me time’ feeling resentful and trapped. Huge huge risk. Test him: limit him to something like three hours a week for a bit, no more than he’d get if he was a putting graft as a decent dad!

BarnabyRocks · 31/10/2022 21:22

He likes the 'idea' of a baby but I'd be very surprised if he was in any way a hands on Dad if you did have a baby with him. I say 'with him' but I honestly thing from what you've said you would be having a baby for him, doing all of the graft on your own for very little in return. It will only get worse. I don't think you should be marrying him or having a baby with him, he's too self centred.

Caroffee · 31/10/2022 21:25

It's all me time for him judging by your post. Where is the family time?

Leave.

lovelilies · 31/10/2022 21:29

No way