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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this amount of 'me time' is a bit excessive...?

213 replies

Aprilshowers123 · 31/10/2022 19:02

Hello! First timer... Could do with some thoughts as I'm at a bit of a crossroads and not sure which way to turn. It's leave (YANBU) or stay (YABU).

Been with DP for 6 years, lived together for 2.5 years, my DC is 15 (DP is not his dad, DC's dad is not involved). This is an average week with my DP:

Workaholic - finishes at 5pm but doesn't get home until 8pm or later, goes to the gym for at least an hour everyday after he finishes, talks about work a lot and will spend probably another hour or two working on the laptop

Hobby - 1-2 nights a week during the week, goes straight after work, gets home after 11pm, I'm usually asleep by then. Every Saturday all day usually gets home about 8pm, and every Sunday morning.

Family - all day Sunday (goes straight from hobby) until the evening, usually 7ish, visiting his DM and DSis (disabled)

Socialises and likes to binge drink, sometimes every weekend, but always at least once a month.

We are supposed to be getting married next year and he desperately wants me to have a baby (at least one)... AIBU to think his 'me time' is excessive and I'd be ridiculous to think he'd change...?

I've talked to him about it before and asked him to make more of an effort to compromise and be around a bit more especially as he wants a baby, he says sorry, he's selfish, he'll make more of an effort blah blah blah then nothing changes...

Definitely not OW situation..

I love him, he loves me, but I'm not happy...

OP posts:
LicoricePizza · 31/10/2022 21:29

He’s self focussed now & will probably be worse when a baby arrives - sleep deprived/irritable & unwilling to have his schedule disrupted esp if he doesn’t change it easily now.

Why is he so keen for you to have a child if he’s unwilling to co-parent? How do you actually spend any time together if he’s that involved out of the home?

Obvs it’s healthy to have your own interests etc out of the relationship but what does he contribute to domestic /life admin duties now?

Is a child a way of ensuring he get looked after for the next x years by you?

Sorry - a jaundiced thought but he can’t opt in just for the good fun bits & disappear to focus on his own enjoyment. It will make you very resentful imo.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 31/10/2022 21:32

Do not have a baby with this man OP!!

I mean when your child basically takes care of himself in it sure what you need you OH around for - it’s not like you have babies and toddlers.

However, don’t get to a point where you do have babies and toddlers as there’s no way in hell he would give up his lifestyle

Echobelly · 31/10/2022 21:33

He'll give you nothing more of his time if you have kids, it's pretty clear; he's way too attached to doing things his way.

daisy46 · 31/10/2022 21:33

You never see him. I can't imagine what you're getting out of this relationship. Do not have a baby with him.

Ohmygoshposh · 31/10/2022 21:35

What’s the point in your relationship? You don’t spend any time together.

Don’t have a baby with this man - not fair on the child, or you.

Luredbyapomegranate · 31/10/2022 21:44

God no. No children with this man.

It’s like you’re the housekeeper.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/10/2022 21:47

@Aprilshowers123

Jeez, no wonder you're not happy!!! Marry that man and you'll sup sorrow with a long spoon!

You're living the life of a 'wife', and a put-upon, neglected wife at that. You're carrying the majority of the financial as well as all the 'domestic' load. All the while he's living the life of a bachelor. He 'pays his share' like a bachelor with a roommate. He comes and goes like a bachelor. He has a cleaning woman (you), like a bachelor. The only thing he seems to be 'providing' you with in this relationship is sex. Hell, you aren't even getting companionship!

Of course he wants a child! Why shouldn't he when he knows that it's not going to cramp his style at all because you'll be carrying that load, too. Do you really want to start over again 'single parenting'? Because that is what it's going to be like. With an added dollop of anger and resentment as you see him trip out the door to his hobbies or his family visits, or sitting on his computer or phone.

Either he or I would be out the door, pronto.

SuSen · 31/10/2022 21:51

He's living the life of a single man.

You've talked to him before and he's not willing to change. I would give him an ultimatum and he needs to prove he can change. Otherwise leave him, you probably won't notice much difference anyway.

Original poster
Aprilshowers123 · 31/10/2022 21:54

I've read, re-read and then read all of your posts again. I've always been made to feel silly, unreasonable and as if I should be content with what I've got when I've spoken to him about this and squished down how I'm feeling and just got on with it, feeling increasingly let down and disappointed by the broken promises. You've all made me feel validated and I appreciate it. Thank you for that, and thank you for spurring me on to make the decision I've known for a long time I've needed to make.

OP posts:
Juicylychee · 31/10/2022 21:56

Just read all the threads on here from women with children moaning about their crap partners. 9 times out of 10 they probably had already shown their true colours. Don’t settle down with this man.

Fireflygal · 31/10/2022 21:57

How old are you both?

Imagine having a new baby and no support, trying to work when you have done all the night feeds. That would risk your financial independence and impact your dc.

If he can't give up the gym, football and binge drinking now why would he changed? If he did reduce his hobbies I suspect he would resent you.

I wonder if he uses hobbies & work to avoid emotional connections. It's easy for him to love you as he only has to give you what suits him and when. I'm not sure that's love.

Thepossibility · 31/10/2022 22:02

He's trying to trap you in an unfair situation with a baby. Run!

WifeMotherWorker · 31/10/2022 22:02

You sound more like his housekeeper. Leave!

Smineusername · 31/10/2022 22:03

No way he's already running away from home life and the kid doesn't even exist yet.

Usually I'm quite forgiving of the failings of the weaker sex, particularly where there are children involved, but you haven't fully committed to this shitshow yet and there's no way I would commit to a man as selfish as this. Seriously avoidant of intimacy. Is he gay?

Dreamingcats · 31/10/2022 22:04

My friend had a baby with someone like him. He expected his life to stay the same after the birth. They divorced within two years.

Cw112 · 31/10/2022 22:05

Actions speak louder than words. I'd sit him down and explain where you are at with things and that you need to see his commitment to his family before you'd consider a child with him. Then see what he does. If he makes a change then great he's followed through and made good on his word. If he doesn't then you need to decide if you're happy with things as they are with no more babies or you aren't happy with it and you leave.

redbigbananafeet · 31/10/2022 22:07

Aprilshowers123 · 31/10/2022 19:02

Hello! First timer... Could do with some thoughts as I'm at a bit of a crossroads and not sure which way to turn. It's leave (YANBU) or stay (YABU).

Been with DP for 6 years, lived together for 2.5 years, my DC is 15 (DP is not his dad, DC's dad is not involved). This is an average week with my DP:

Workaholic - finishes at 5pm but doesn't get home until 8pm or later, goes to the gym for at least an hour everyday after he finishes, talks about work a lot and will spend probably another hour or two working on the laptop

Hobby - 1-2 nights a week during the week, goes straight after work, gets home after 11pm, I'm usually asleep by then. Every Saturday all day usually gets home about 8pm, and every Sunday morning.

Family - all day Sunday (goes straight from hobby) until the evening, usually 7ish, visiting his DM and DSis (disabled)

Socialises and likes to binge drink, sometimes every weekend, but always at least once a month.

We are supposed to be getting married next year and he desperately wants me to have a baby (at least one)... AIBU to think his 'me time' is excessive and I'd be ridiculous to think he'd change...?

I've talked to him about it before and asked him to make more of an effort to compromise and be around a bit more especially as he wants a baby, he says sorry, he's selfish, he'll make more of an effort blah blah blah then nothing changes...

Definitely not OW situation..

I love him, he loves me, but I'm not happy...

I'm trying to work out when you actually see each other? And when does he have time to cook, clean the house, do his laundry etc?

redbigbananafeet · 31/10/2022 22:09

Also, you say he really wants to be a dad. How is he as a step dad to the child you already have? That's how he'll be as a dad. That's how he is as a dad.

Hawkins001 · 31/10/2022 22:13

@Aprilshowers123
firstly all the best and positively,

That said if you have kids, you'll be parenting for the both of you,

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/10/2022 22:14

CarefreeMe · 31/10/2022 19:50

I do 90% of the housework/life admin

Ok I’ve completely changed my mind.

This is not ok and he’s taking you for an absolute mug!

It actually sounds like he’s a cocklodger and I’m wondering if the ‘wanting a baby’ speech is so you just put up with his selfish behaviour.
I bet he doesn’t really want one.

I agree he sounds like a cocklodger. I do think it’s possible he wants a child. But perhaps as a tick box or a trophy. Something he can get out and put away again when it suits. Zero bed time routines, nappy changes, feeds and baths. Very 1950s but with the added bonus of op being the breadwinner.

I have a 14 yo and understand the hard slog. This is completely starting again and would be a flat no from me with such a disengaged partner. I wouldn’t be marrying him either. It sounds as if there’s a lot of taking going on here and not a lot of giving.

Fireflygal · 31/10/2022 22:16

@Aprilshowers123 You sound amazing and you deserve much more. I think if you're a kind loving person you struggle to believe that your partner could be using you. The set up sounds great for HIM.

EmmaDilemma5 · 31/10/2022 22:19

It sounds like he only thinks about himself.

This isn't the type of man you want to have a child with.

And forgive me for asking this, as I realise everyone is different, but do you really want another child? Starting all over again? Pregnancy, birth, sleepless nights, financial implications, arguments and strain on relationship, juggling drop offs, term time holidays, no evenings out etc.

I have kids and I know, hand on heart, I'm done. I wouldn't want to do it again even if I had a different partner. I've put my time in. I adore my kids but it's HARD work and I can't wait to get more freedom again (mine are young). You have the opportunity to do whatever you want now (well, soon), I wouldn't give that up for anything.

MrsKeats · 31/10/2022 22:20

I can't imagine a life like this.
Leave. That's not a relationship and it won't be a family with a baby.

Userg1234 · 31/10/2022 22:21

I am a man and say no. I have to ask are you actually in a relationship with him? When do you see him and get to spend quality time with him?
you already have a child, you know how much time a little one takes up. He is not going to be there to help

MojoJojo71 · 31/10/2022 22:24

What’s the point of him? You don’t have relationship, he’s never there!

leave and find someone who will spend time with you because he wants to, you shouldn’t need to have to ask

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