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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this amount of 'me time' is a bit excessive...?

213 replies

Aprilshowers123 · 31/10/2022 19:02

Hello! First timer... Could do with some thoughts as I'm at a bit of a crossroads and not sure which way to turn. It's leave (YANBU) or stay (YABU).

Been with DP for 6 years, lived together for 2.5 years, my DC is 15 (DP is not his dad, DC's dad is not involved). This is an average week with my DP:

Workaholic - finishes at 5pm but doesn't get home until 8pm or later, goes to the gym for at least an hour everyday after he finishes, talks about work a lot and will spend probably another hour or two working on the laptop

Hobby - 1-2 nights a week during the week, goes straight after work, gets home after 11pm, I'm usually asleep by then. Every Saturday all day usually gets home about 8pm, and every Sunday morning.

Family - all day Sunday (goes straight from hobby) until the evening, usually 7ish, visiting his DM and DSis (disabled)

Socialises and likes to binge drink, sometimes every weekend, but always at least once a month.

We are supposed to be getting married next year and he desperately wants me to have a baby (at least one)... AIBU to think his 'me time' is excessive and I'd be ridiculous to think he'd change...?

I've talked to him about it before and asked him to make more of an effort to compromise and be around a bit more especially as he wants a baby, he says sorry, he's selfish, he'll make more of an effort blah blah blah then nothing changes...

Definitely not OW situation..

I love him, he loves me, but I'm not happy...

OP posts:
Shiraztonight · 31/10/2022 19:29

No chance would I be having a baby with someone like this, you would be doing it all. Do you want a baby? Your dc would practically be an adult, do you really want to start again?

Jubaju · 31/10/2022 19:29

What’s the hobby?

are you sure he hasn’t got another family/life??

kingtamponthefurred · 31/10/2022 19:30

Why is he desperate for you to have a baby?

Shittytittybangbang · 31/10/2022 19:31

Sorry, but you are not really in a relationship. Exactly how far down his list of priorities are you. I think he intends to live like this for ever.
he isn’t marriage or daddy (or boyfriend) material.

Summerhillsquare · 31/10/2022 19:34

He wants, and has, the single life but with a housekeeper and sex, and presumably your income too. Sounds nice, where do I get one!

5128gap · 31/10/2022 19:34

So, if I'm reading this right, he only chooses to spend from 8pm until bedtime on Saturday wand from 7pm until bedtime on Sunday with you? The rest of the time he prefers to be elsewhere with other people?
That's not a partner OP. At best it's a two date a week bf, at worst is someone who just wants to share the bills and a warm bed at night. Oh, and someone to and raise his kids as a bonus.
Unless you have an equally low desire for time spent with a partner, then you are being very shortchanged in this situation.

rookiemere · 31/10/2022 19:36

Do you want another DC?
That's the only reason I can think of for going ahead with this marriage.

thistimelastweek · 31/10/2022 19:37

He's not a workaholic. He's a bloke looking for reasons not to come home.

You could be looking at a long lonely future with this guy.

J0CASTA · 31/10/2022 19:38

You are not his partner, you are his flatmate who shares the bills and his unpaid housekeeper.

FawnDrench · 31/10/2022 19:39

I think you already know this relationship does not / will not work.
His priority is him and him alone.
He won't change as you are painfully aware by now.
It's what people do that matters, not what they say.

You are a convenience for him, and he is not an equal, committed partner to you.
Please end this.

You will be way way better off without him and deserve so much more than this - both you and your son.

C8H10N4O2 · 31/10/2022 19:39

You know the answer to this one - he won't change on marriage, whatever wild promises he makes.

If you have a child he will be an absentee father as well as an absentee partner.

Daleksatemyshed · 31/10/2022 19:41

Can't help but think he wants you to have a baby so it ties you to him, he certainly doesn't behave like a man who wants DC. There's so many posts on here from women who've had DC with useless Fathers and are now leaving/divorcing them - why would you put yourself in that position when you already know what he's like?

BatshitBanshee · 31/10/2022 19:41

Where is the time for you and your DC in his week? Does he actually take an interest in your needs and wants?

Personally, I'd leave and if I didn't leave, I'd sooner set fire to my whole head than have a baby with this man.

Ohbluepeter · 31/10/2022 19:42

With a DC aged 15 now in a few years time you will be free to do so much, this isn’t going to happen with a toddler in tow, sorry OP, if I were you I’d leave and move to the next part of your life, the ME bit. Stay and you’ll be back here bemoaning that you get no help with the baby and you never see DH.

butterfliedtwo · 31/10/2022 19:44

This is barely a relationship. No way should you bring a baby into that situation.

Raddix · 31/10/2022 19:44

It sounds like he only spends time with you on a Saturday and Sunday night? You barely see him, this isn’t even a relationship. I wouldn’t have kids with him. Especially as you’ve done the kid years already and you’d be starting over from scratch!

Original poster
Aprilshowers123 · 31/10/2022 19:44

Thank you all for your messages, I reaaly appreciate you taking the time. I guess you are all confirming what I know to be true already.

I work full time and I'm the main earner, outside of work I do 90% of the housework/life admin etc and spend as much time with my DC as I can. I have a few lovely friends who I see when I can. I've been a single mum for so long without any support I haven't ever really had time for hobbies and socialising but I see that changing now my DC is getting older.

He really wants to be a dad, but as I know from experience having a baby is really tough and I can't see that doing it again under these circumstances is what I want or need. He promises he'll give up the hobby (football and football coaching), cut down on work etc but I've had many people break promises throughout my life so deep down don't believe he would.

There's definitely no other family, but can totally see why you would suggest it!!

Sorry, I've tried to answer all the questions in one go without tagging the usernames!

OP posts:
Raddix · 31/10/2022 19:46

How on earth is he working till 8-10pm but isn’t the main breadwinner? I assumed he must have a high flying job because of the hours he puts in, but obviously not, so why is he working those hours?

DWMoosmum · 31/10/2022 19:47

Oh dear. He sounds totally selfish. Do not have a child with this man unless you want to be doing absolutely everything, which will lead to you resenting him and then the inevitable relationship breakdown!

CarefreeMe · 31/10/2022 19:47

I’m on the fence with this one.

He doesn’t have any kids so there’s no reason he needs to get home earlier and he’s out enjoying his child free life.

If you choose not to do a hobby or go out with friends when you can, then that’s your choice.

If I didn’t have children then I’d absolutely be out all of the time and take part in many hobbies.

I don’t think couples need to spend every waking moment with each other.

All of my childless couples seem to have lots of hobbies and friendship groups and don’t see their partners as much as couples with children.

I would be slightly concerned about what would happen if we had a child together though and I’d hope he’s just making the most of being child free whilst he still can and that things would be different when the baby comes.

Is this something you’ve talked about?

Do you actually want a baby?

It seems you’ve left it much longer than most couples to have a baby, especially when you already have a child that’s becoming independent and you have more free time now.

Riverlee · 31/10/2022 19:48

You’ve talked to him before and nothing changes. What makes you think he’ll change in the future.

if he finishes at 5pm, why isn’t he home until 8pm? I presume the gym Is after 8pm.

When does he spend time with you if he’s on the laptop, doing his hobby, visiting family etc?

what happens if you suggest time together?

CarefreeMe · 31/10/2022 19:50

I do 90% of the housework/life admin

Ok I’ve completely changed my mind.

This is not ok and he’s taking you for an absolute mug!

It actually sounds like he’s a cocklodger and I’m wondering if the ‘wanting a baby’ speech is so you just put up with his selfish behaviour.
I bet he doesn’t really want one.

Riverlee · 31/10/2022 19:51

“I work full time and I'm the main earner, outside of work I do 90% of the housework/life admin etc”

He’s onto a good thing. He can indulge his hobbies, visiting family, leisure time etc, without bringing in the main money, doing housework, life admin etc.

5yearplan · 31/10/2022 19:53

Do you spend time together now as a family? Does he do anything with your son which shows he would be a present and engaged parent?

Lisagreen12 · 31/10/2022 19:54

My DP is exactly like this and I hate it