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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this amount of 'me time' is a bit excessive...?

213 replies

Aprilshowers123 · 31/10/2022 19:02

Hello! First timer... Could do with some thoughts as I'm at a bit of a crossroads and not sure which way to turn. It's leave (YANBU) or stay (YABU).

Been with DP for 6 years, lived together for 2.5 years, my DC is 15 (DP is not his dad, DC's dad is not involved). This is an average week with my DP:

Workaholic - finishes at 5pm but doesn't get home until 8pm or later, goes to the gym for at least an hour everyday after he finishes, talks about work a lot and will spend probably another hour or two working on the laptop

Hobby - 1-2 nights a week during the week, goes straight after work, gets home after 11pm, I'm usually asleep by then. Every Saturday all day usually gets home about 8pm, and every Sunday morning.

Family - all day Sunday (goes straight from hobby) until the evening, usually 7ish, visiting his DM and DSis (disabled)

Socialises and likes to binge drink, sometimes every weekend, but always at least once a month.

We are supposed to be getting married next year and he desperately wants me to have a baby (at least one)... AIBU to think his 'me time' is excessive and I'd be ridiculous to think he'd change...?

I've talked to him about it before and asked him to make more of an effort to compromise and be around a bit more especially as he wants a baby, he says sorry, he's selfish, he'll make more of an effort blah blah blah then nothing changes...

Definitely not OW situation..

I love him, he loves me, but I'm not happy...

OP posts:
SnarkyBag · 31/10/2022 22:30

Your not married, you earn more than him and you have children from a previous relationship. I think having a baby with this guy would put you at a huge financial disadvantage.

you sound like you’ve got your shit together don’t make yourself and existing kids vulnerable by having a baby with this guy

SunshineLoving · 31/10/2022 22:45

I'm not sure you'd even be able to get the alone time with him needed to conceive. How he's behaving is not normal. It sounds like you see him for a few hours a week, no way enough time to sustain a relationship. Definitely don't have a baby with him. You've told him you don't want to live this and he's made no efforts to make changes. He's not going to miraculously be a different person if you had a baby.

PodgePie · 31/10/2022 22:49

This is not a man who is seriously thinking about being a supportive father/partner. He’s telling you loud and clear who he is. Don’t accept it.

billy1966 · 31/10/2022 22:49

Aprilshowers123 · 31/10/2022 21:54

I've read, re-read and then read all of your posts again. I've always been made to feel silly, unreasonable and as if I should be content with what I've got when I've spoken to him about this and squished down how I'm feeling and just got on with it, feeling increasingly let down and disappointed by the broken promises. You've all made me feel validated and I appreciate it. Thank you for that, and thank you for spurring me on to make the decision I've known for a long time I've needed to make.

So your gut has been warning you, but you have allowed this waster to gaslight you?

You deserve some counselling to figure out why.

Your gut doesn't want you making a massive mistake.

You have done 15 years of childcare.

Do you seriously want 18 more, bringing you up to 33 years, and thats only until a child is18.

He is an absolute selfish chancer.

Of course he's desperate for you to have a baby, .......to nail you down.

You ARE a fine catch for a waster like him.

He wants you tied to him.

He will NEVER be a decent partner, not to mind a father a child deserves.

Get rid of him.
Get some counselling.

Get the future you deserve.

ferntwist · 31/10/2022 22:50

Don’t do it OP! You’ll really, really regret it. Worse than being a single-parent as not only will you have to do almost all the childcare, but it will mess with your head.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 31/10/2022 23:05

Well done for making the decision OP.

I think I’d be reluctant to have another baby at all once mine had ready 15 - I couldn’t imagine going back to the beginning again just when your time with a dependent child is coming to an end. What about your “‘me time”?

But especially not with a self confessed selfish man.

MysteryBelle · 31/10/2022 23:14

Not only are you not his #1 like you should be, you’re not even on his list.

He’s not desperate for you to have a baby so that he can be a dad, he just thinks you’d be so occupied with one, you’d not notice he’s gone so you’d stop complaining.

He’s getting something out of the relationship but it sure isn’t spending even one second with you. Do you pay his bills, or own the house he lives in, or what? Convenience? A husband or partner does not spend every waking moment away from and ignoring his wife/partner.

My husband comes home after work, he likes being home, he likes going places together.

Your scenario is very odd.

MysteryBelle · 31/10/2022 23:15

Sorry, I didn’t see your update. Good for you, Op. we are with you in spirit. You deserve a great partner who treats you with total respect and dignity.

LaGioconda · 31/10/2022 23:32

If he wants to show he's genuine, he needs to give up the hobby and the drinking now, before you TTC. If he won't do that now, he won't do it ever.

GrimVimes · 31/10/2022 23:41

I'm so glad you're making the right decision. When I read your first post it made me think of an older couple I know, who met after their children (not by each other) had already left home. Both pursue hobbies separately, travel places alone (as well as together) and see each other around 3 nights a week. It works for them as they've both had years and years of caring for others, and now value their independence. So initially I thought maybe your relationship was like that - except then you mentioned the baby thing and I was practically screaming at the screen that you shouldn't even think about it!

youlightupmyday · 31/10/2022 23:54

So

AnnieSnap · 31/10/2022 23:54

YANBU - what makes you believe he loves you (genuine question)? What signs are there of that. It seems he chooses to spend very little time with you. Maybe he loves the home base you provide for him, but loving a person usually means wanting to spend time with them. IMO if you don’t make the decision to end the relationship for a while, do not become pregnant with this man.

reesewithoutaspoon · 31/10/2022 23:55

No. not a good relationship to bring a baby into. Why does he even want one, he cant commit to any family time as it is. You would be trapped. Maybe that's what he wants, does he sense you're moving away. A baby would leave you vulnerable and tied up, especially as he is already making it obvious that he is the priority in his life. I wouldn't be prepared to risk having a child with him in the hope he might change.

youlightupmyday · 31/10/2022 23:57

So, four nights a week he is home by 8pm and then bores you about his job or gets his laptop out. The rest he is out. And both days at weekends.

Ypu must be so lonely. So sorry that this has gone wrong for you but we'll done for recognising the situation as one that makes you unhappy, before you commit further.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/11/2022 00:07

Aprilshowers123 · 31/10/2022 21:54

I've read, re-read and then read all of your posts again. I've always been made to feel silly, unreasonable and as if I should be content with what I've got when I've spoken to him about this and squished down how I'm feeling and just got on with it, feeling increasingly let down and disappointed by the broken promises. You've all made me feel validated and I appreciate it. Thank you for that, and thank you for spurring me on to make the decision I've known for a long time I've needed to make.

....when I've spoken to him about this and squished down how I'm feeling and just got on with it, feeling increasingly let down and disappointed by the broken promises.

This made me so sad. No one should have to 'squish down' their feelings. And no one should have to feel let down and disappointed by repeated broken promises, ones he never intended to keep in the first place.

.....thank you for spurring me on to make the decision I've known for a long time I've needed to make

And you'll be so much happier and 'lighter' in spirit once you've made (and carried out) that decision. Be strong in your resolve. He's going to gaslight and emotionally blackmail you to keep his comfy life. Seek support IRL, friends and family to lean on and listen.

And please, starting today, be doubly vigilant on your contraception. Do NOT rely on him for it in any way.

justasking111 · 01/11/2022 00:16

MojoJojo71 · 31/10/2022 22:24

What’s the point of him? You don’t have relationship, he’s never there!

leave and find someone who will spend time with you because he wants to, you shouldn’t need to have to ask

This. When we got together we shared his hobby which I learned to love. No way would I have stayed home. With children we all enjoyed time together . He's not good family material. Too set in his ways

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/11/2022 00:22

I've spoken to him about this and squished down how I'm feeling

No More Squishing OP. You deserve better!

mamabear715 · 01/11/2022 00:35

Just read your last post, @Aprilshowers123
Big hugs to you. x

GarfieldsAunty · 01/11/2022 00:46

If ever there was the perfect time for him to show you he can, and will (and will also sustain), step up and do his fair share, it would be now. He hasn't though. It's very easy for men to say the right words, but as we all know, it's the actions that give us the proof. It's actually really arrogant when they behave like this. I think they actually think all they have to do is say the magic words and that's enough... No need to for them to actually back-up the words with any meaningful action!

Go and live the life you want, OP. Not the one with the fake promises - which is what he's offering in its current form, and it isn't what you want really, is it (and who can blame you, quite frankly) x

Schnooze · 01/11/2022 01:13

One last ultimatum (if you want to) and be prepared to carry it out. Show him you mean it.

NameOfMine · 01/11/2022 01:15

To be honest, he's likely to spend even less time at home if there is a baby... He wants a baby? What do you want to do? What about your DC - preparing for exams...? Would DC end up doing lots of baby-sitting? I'd say run for the hills! You're not happy now. It's not going to improve by having a baby, most likely quite the reverse.

TheWolves · 01/11/2022 01:32

I wouldn't even get a dog with him.

Fraaahnces · 01/11/2022 01:46

Is he saving towards the wedding? Holiday? Or is he a single guy who is living in your house?

Fraaahnces · 01/11/2022 01:47

Btw, wtf, would you have a baby with a binge drinker?

3487642l · 01/11/2022 01:49

Hat's off to you for thinking this through before getting pregnant to this man. You are dodging a bullet.