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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend forgot our plans

235 replies

Conundrum12345 · 30/10/2022 14:07

I have a very good friend who is chronically late for our meet ups and never puts appointments in calendars and forgets about them. Tb

Over the summer I asked her to pick a weekend in November for her birthday as I wanted to do something special (it's a big birthday). It was settled for next weekend. Over the past few months I had organised a day full of nice activities- spa in the morning, hair and make up in the afternoon and dinner in the evening.

We are in contact a lot and during the course of our texting this morning I asked if she was all set for next weekend. She responded that she was going abroad. I sent her screenshots of our conversation from a few months ago and she said she forgot to put it in her diary, how she was mortified, but hasn't apologised.

I'm really upset. I spent so long organising it. Am I overreacting and should I just let it go or say something

OP posts:
ThreeblackCats · 30/10/2022 14:09

I’ve voted yabu, as you know she’s flaky. More fool you for booking events for a ‘friend’ who’s prone to letting you down and leaving you hanging!
sorry that’s not what you wanted to hear, but it’s the truth.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 30/10/2022 14:12

I’m afraid she doesn’t value your friendship as highly as you do.
We had a friend like this. The last straw was when we and another couple were sitting at home waiting for them to turn up for dinner. Eventually rang and guess what? She’d forgotten. Kindly said that they could come round anyway, wouldn’t be long.

As the last time we went to them for dinner she had also ‘forgotten’ we were coming, I took the hint.

( last time I heard from her, she rang and asked me if I would like to canvas for her in the local election. When I had stopped laughing, I politely declined).

neighboursmustliveon · 30/10/2022 14:26

You are right to feel upset but, you know your friend is like that so regular reminders are useful. Set up a whats app titled birthday weekend in November and send regular notes ie make sure you pack your swimming costume, I've booked our, I'm really looking forward to celebrating your birthday etc. it just keeps things alive for her so she can't excuse she is forgetting.

notanothertakeaway · 30/10/2022 14:31

neighboursmustliveon · 30/10/2022 14:26

You are right to feel upset but, you know your friend is like that so regular reminders are useful. Set up a whats app titled birthday weekend in November and send regular notes ie make sure you pack your swimming costume, I've booked our, I'm really looking forward to celebrating your birthday etc. it just keeps things alive for her so she can't excuse she is forgetting.

Or, accept that friend doesn't care enough to diarise plans, move on and find friends who treat her better?

OP's friend is flaky when she chooses to be. I don't suppose she forgets to diarise work commitments, holidays and other events that she considers important

OrigamiOwls · 30/10/2022 14:35

I imagine she remembers what she wants to go to and doesn't double book those things...
If she didn't care enough about your friendship to write down commitments that is a pretty clear message.

SnarkyBag · 30/10/2022 14:39

I’d probably just pull back from the friendship a bit. She might be flakey and forgetful but in this instance I think she just doesn’t put a high value on your plans. I certainly wouldn’t be rescheduling a big day out for her.

Lavender14 · 30/10/2022 14:43

I'm neurodiverse, didn't know myself for a long time and my friends aren't aware because I don't really feel the need to label myself now but one of the challenges I have is that I'm incredibly forgetful and disorganised, i also get really anxious even before things i genuinely want to do with people i genuinely want to see. All my energy goes into keeping on top of things in my job so I'm not failing at that and by the time I come home I do not have the same mental energy to invest into other areas of my life. I'm fully aware that makes my flakey and I'm prone to things like forgetting to put things in my calendar and double booking myself. The one thing I hate the most about it is when people assume it's because I don't give a shit about other people. I care so much, when I make a mistake I will beat myself up over it for days but it's something I find very hard to change. If you know she is like this I'd say speak to her about it, explain the effect it has on you and give her a chance to explain her behaviour she might have a good reason that you're not aware of like mental health or adhd. Maybe she is genuinely just flakey and isn't considerate but if you call her out on it it firstly shows you care enough to be honest and secondly gives her a chance to either change her behaviour or explain to you what's going on.

rookiemere · 30/10/2022 14:52

To be fair, if I'd arranged this with someone in the summer, I'd be in contact with them sooner than one week to go to confirm arrangements.
It was a lovely thought OP, can you get refunds on what you've booked or go with someone else ?

ThereIbledit · 30/10/2022 14:53

If she is neurodiverse then it would help if you were told about it...

And we all have to find ways to manage our weaknesses.

KettrickenSmiled · 30/10/2022 14:53

She managed to remember she'd booked a plane ticket & is going abroad then?

I'm really upset. I spent so long organising it. Am I overreacting and should I just let it go or say something
Why do you think you are over-reacting?
Why would you 'let it go'?
Has she even apologised, or asked if you are out of pocket for the things you have booked?

Bathtubbathing · 30/10/2022 14:55

Lavender14 · 30/10/2022 14:43

I'm neurodiverse, didn't know myself for a long time and my friends aren't aware because I don't really feel the need to label myself now but one of the challenges I have is that I'm incredibly forgetful and disorganised, i also get really anxious even before things i genuinely want to do with people i genuinely want to see. All my energy goes into keeping on top of things in my job so I'm not failing at that and by the time I come home I do not have the same mental energy to invest into other areas of my life. I'm fully aware that makes my flakey and I'm prone to things like forgetting to put things in my calendar and double booking myself. The one thing I hate the most about it is when people assume it's because I don't give a shit about other people. I care so much, when I make a mistake I will beat myself up over it for days but it's something I find very hard to change. If you know she is like this I'd say speak to her about it, explain the effect it has on you and give her a chance to explain her behaviour she might have a good reason that you're not aware of like mental health or adhd. Maybe she is genuinely just flakey and isn't considerate but if you call her out on it it firstly shows you care enough to be honest and secondly gives her a chance to either change her behaviour or explain to you what's going on.

Thank you for this.

You've made me see things about 2 flaky friends which I hadn't seen before. Your post has made me join up the dots.

Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 30/10/2022 14:56

KettrickenSmiled · 30/10/2022 14:53

She managed to remember she'd booked a plane ticket & is going abroad then?

I'm really upset. I spent so long organising it. Am I overreacting and should I just let it go or say something
Why do you think you are over-reacting?
Why would you 'let it go'?
Has she even apologised, or asked if you are out of pocket for the things you have booked?

No she hasn’t, except for saying she’s so embarrassed

OP posts:
Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 30/10/2022 14:57

rookiemere · 30/10/2022 14:52

To be fair, if I'd arranged this with someone in the summer, I'd be in contact with them sooner than one week to go to confirm arrangements.
It was a lovely thought OP, can you get refunds on what you've booked or go with someone else ?

I suppose I would just assume it would have been diarised when we set up the date. She said it was in the diary

OP posts:
RuthW · 30/10/2022 15:00

Forget it. Go on your weekend with another friend and just give her a card to wish her well on her special day.

Don't bother with any more presents for anything.

Kissingfrogs25 · 30/10/2022 15:02

Knowing what she is like, ie disorganised, would it not have been a good idea to message a month or so ago to remind her/follow up? Just a quick text? Organising stuff from the summer to now, it is possible she has forgotten. Although she can't be a very close friend, as close friends don't forget milestone birthdays!!

If she is saying she is so embarrassed I would take that as an apology personally.

I wouldn't drop her altogether, but I doubt I would invite her to anything special again.

KettrickenSmiled · 30/10/2022 15:02

Has she even apologised, or asked if you are out of pocket for the things you have booked?

No she hasn’t, except for saying she’s so embarrassed

She sounds self-absorbed.
No apology, no thought for YOUR feelings or inconvenience - just a reference to how SHE feels.
I imagine she hopes that saying she's embarrassed will mean you feel sorry for her & drop it.
There's little point challenging her on it as she's not going to change, or become more considerate of your plans & your feelings.
So I'd just let it fade. Stop suggesting meet-ups, be slow to respond when she messages you.

MyOnlyDays · 30/10/2022 15:06

I would have double checked with a normal friend let alone a flakey friend.

Ladybrrrd · 30/10/2022 15:08

I have several friends who are like this, and I know I'm not great at remembering things, so if there's something important coming up ill usually set up a group chat and send more frequent reminders. It's not your fault that she's like this, but if you know she is, I'd take a deep breath, let her know you're upset, and bear in mind what she's like for next time.

Winterfires · 30/10/2022 15:10

She didn’t forget 😂

Ingrainedagainstthegrain · 30/10/2022 15:16

It all seems a bit intense for grown ups.

Winterfires · 30/10/2022 15:17

Ingrainedagainstthegrain · 30/10/2022 15:16

It all seems a bit intense for grown ups.

Which part?

FlowerArranger · 30/10/2022 15:19

MyOnlyDays · 30/10/2022 15:06

I would have double checked with a normal friend let alone a flakey friend.

Absolutely!

I'm known to be super organised, but if an arrangement is made months ahead - but the event isn't actually booked at that time - I'd get worried if it wasn't confirmed nearer the time.

Though, being me, I'd probably send an "are we still on for 5th November?" kind of message...

Flubber88 · 30/10/2022 15:23

I had a similar experience, bought festival tickets, flights, B&B etc for friends birthday, "friend" pulled out the day before, I don't think they had any intention on going looking back. £1400 wasted. I called an end to the friendship which was a shame as was a friend from school (we were about 32 at the time).

Beautiful3 · 30/10/2022 15:24

Think I'd take someone else like your mum/sister or another friend. Don't buy her anything for her birthday. If she asks why, tell her the weekend was non refundable so had to bring someone else. I wouldn't bother booking anything else with her again. She didn't forget about her holiday did she?!

whatwasIgoingtosay · 30/10/2022 15:27

For me, this friendship would be over.