AIBU?
Friend forgot our plans
Conundrum12345 · 30/10/2022 14:07
I have a very good friend who is chronically late for our meet ups and never puts appointments in calendars and forgets about them. Tb
Over the summer I asked her to pick a weekend in November for her birthday as I wanted to do something special (it's a big birthday). It was settled for next weekend. Over the past few months I had organised a day full of nice activities- spa in the morning, hair and make up in the afternoon and dinner in the evening.
We are in contact a lot and during the course of our texting this morning I asked if she was all set for next weekend. She responded that she was going abroad. I sent her screenshots of our conversation from a few months ago and she said she forgot to put it in her diary, how she was mortified, but hasn't apologised.
I'm really upset. I spent so long organising it. Am I overreacting and should I just let it go or say something
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
Conundrum12345 · 30/10/2022 15:27
Beautiful3 · 30/10/2022 15:24
Think I'd take someone else like your mum/sister or another friend. Don't buy her anything for her birthday. If she asks why, tell her the weekend was non refundable so had to bring someone else. I wouldn't bother booking anything else with her again. She didn't forget about her holiday did she?!
Well she must have booked her holiday since we made plans as her diary was free when we made our plans.
There's been several conversations with her over time keeping/ dairising over the years and she had improved most of the time.
Snoken · 30/10/2022 15:27
So did you just have a conversation about this in the summer with some vague plans of doing something this particular weekend in November and then nothing was said about it for months? I am not sure I would have assumed anything was going to happen either and I probably wouldn’t have probed if it was someone else saying they’d treat me.
Sparkletastic · 30/10/2022 15:30
This does seem like a lot of money to spend on a friend.
Conundrum12345 · 30/10/2022 15:30
Snoken · 30/10/2022 15:27
So did you just have a conversation about this in the summer with some vague plans of doing something this particular weekend in November and then nothing was said about it for months? I am not sure I would have assumed anything was going to happen either and I probably wouldn’t have probed if it was someone else saying they’d treat me.
No we were texting about it as I said I wanted to organise a surprise day to celebrate her milestone birthday. For life events engagements, babies it's not uncommon that the two of us do things like this.
She said it was in her diary and how excited she was.
Testina · 30/10/2022 15:31
You know what she’s like, but didn’t remind her several times?
You we’re setting her up to fail, and I think you know it.
It’s fine for you to decide you don’t want to remind her all the time… but in that case, don’t book things like this.
Conundrum12345 · 30/10/2022 15:32
Testina · 30/10/2022 15:31
You know what she’s like, but didn’t remind her several times?
You we’re setting her up to fail, and I think you know it.
It’s fine for you to decide you don’t want to remind her all the time… but in that case, don’t book things like this.
That's certainly not the case. Why would I set her up to fail?
Snoken · 30/10/2022 15:34
Conundrum12345 · 30/10/2022 15:30
No we were texting about it as I said I wanted to organise a surprise day to celebrate her milestone birthday. For life events engagements, babies it's not uncommon that the two of us do things like this.
She said it was in her diary and how excited she was.
Snoken · 30/10/2022 15:27
So did you just have a conversation about this in the summer with some vague plans of doing something this particular weekend in November and then nothing was said about it for months? I am not sure I would have assumed anything was going to happen either and I probably wouldn’t have probed if it was someone else saying they’d treat me.
Ok, but did you remind her or tell her you have actually booked anything between then and now?
Conundrum12345 · 30/10/2022 15:37
Snoken · 30/10/2022 15:34
Ok, but did you remind her or tell her you have actually booked anything between then and now?
Conundrum12345 · 30/10/2022 15:30
No we were texting about it as I said I wanted to organise a surprise day to celebrate her milestone birthday. For life events engagements, babies it's not uncommon that the two of us do things like this.
She said it was in her diary and how excited she was.
Snoken · 30/10/2022 15:27
So did you just have a conversation about this in the summer with some vague plans of doing something this particular weekend in November and then nothing was said about it for months? I am not sure I would have assumed anything was going to happen either and I probably wouldn’t have probed if it was someone else saying they’d treat me.
No. But to be fair that wouldn't be uncommon when we organise things with each other. It's usually "stick it in the diary". That's between us and our larger group of friends
Itloggedmeoutagain · 30/10/2022 15:39
I'm amazed how much some people on here spend on friend's birthdays.
I've just booked to go away with a friend early next summer. I will see her countless times before then and the holiday will be mentioned /talked about/planned etc because that's just normal life. I can't imagine it getting to a week before and it not getting mentioned.
runninglikewater · 30/10/2022 15:40
It's ultimately on her that she didn't put it in her diary but I do think it's a bit odd that you haven't mentioned it again until the week before.
Reminder text, I'm so excited for our weekend etc
I have a couple of lovely friends who are forgetful. One of them I just remind about stuff and the other, I don't invest cash in stuff she isn't fully committed to.
If you've spent money you can't get back then she should be reimbursing you.
Cuck00soup · 30/10/2022 15:46
Who is she going on holiday with? I'm sorry OP but you need to ask yourself if they matter to her more than you.
JessesMum777888 · 30/10/2022 15:49
I’m reading people saying “she isn’t a friend” kind of thing …. However I am this friend. I forget everything a mixture of ADHD, 4 kids , complex PTSD full time work and tbh a lot of being blonde !! I adore and cherish my best friends and I know I drive them nuts. I now actually have reminders set on my phone AND post it’s on the front door … perhaps your friend isn’t a bad friend just different x
Alertthecorgis · 30/10/2022 15:49
My DH had a friend like this. Cancelled at the last minute, or forgot. Never apologised. My DH has stepped back because this “friend” kept making him feel like rubbish.
YellowTreeHouse · 30/10/2022 15:51
YABU. You know what she’s like, yet you expected her to stick it in her diary and that be it, because “that’s what you do” in your circle of friends.
This obviously doesn’t work for her.
Randlehandle · 30/10/2022 15:55
I don't get why posters always say their friends, are great friends, in threads like this. Newsflash: they ain't!! If they were so great, these multiple threads wouldn't keep being posted.
orangeisthenewpuce · 30/10/2022 15:56
I find that people like her will remember things they really want to do. She remembered she's going abroad didn't she. Shes also chronically late to meet you because her time is more important than yours. She's not a good friend. I wouldn't bother with her OP.
NeverHadANickname · 30/10/2022 15:57
I am shocked at the amount of people saying the OP should have reminded her friend. I'm sure the vast majority of people have a phone with a calendar function that she could have used. I have enough things going on in my life to remember myself so if people ask me to remind them about something longer term, I usually ask them to put a reminder in their calendar, it's what I'd have to do anyway to remind them. I understand ND people will struggle and need help with things like this if it is something that is not easy for them.
jeffbezoz · 30/10/2022 15:57
Try having your best friend flake on you for your wedding day last month. I've blocked and moved on! I'm done with these people!!
PussInBin20 · 30/10/2022 15:58
Have neither of you discussed it since the original conversation? I find that a bit odd and if that was me, I would have assumed it was just something you said but didn’t actually go through with. I mean a lot can happen in a few months.
How also would she have brought the subject up if you didn’t? She can hardly say “did you book my surprise birthday bash as I was just wondering if you really meant it or not?”. Why have you not said anything until now? 🤷♀️ I think YABU sorry.
waitingforsomeonewhowontarrive · 30/10/2022 16:00
OP take it from someone who’s friend kept putting things in the diary and forgetting. You have two options
- Forget the friendship
- Speak to her honestly and say you’re hurt.
Randlehandle · 30/10/2022 16:01
jeffbezoz · 30/10/2022 15:57
Try having your best friend flake on you for your wedding day last month. I've blocked and moved on! I'm done with these people!!
Good for you. Easy, isn't it!
Arenanewbie · 30/10/2022 16:02
It is tricky because she could genuinely forget to put it into the calendar. I’ve got this several time with my DH, had it couple of times myself. The only difference they were smaller events - more like he’s taking DD to the club because I was going out.
However I would expect her to react a bit differently and try to sort it out so you are not out of pocket. Is it only 2 of you? Can you scale it down and take someone for those bits which can’t be cancelled? I wouldn’t rearrange it for her as a matter of principle. As to future of your friendship…. It depends what her further reaction would be. There is a chance that she values you less but it might be a genuine mistake also.
liveforsummer · 30/10/2022 16:03
Knowing what she's like surely you reminded her frequently? I think it was foolish to book anything without double checking and re reminding her tbh
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