If I were you, I'd have to work out whether you think this friendship is in it for the long haul or if it has fizzled out at this stage based on her regular forgetfulness.

If you think it has reached the point that it has fizzled out, then I'd reply to her message where she said she is embarrassed and say that you are not embarrassed, you are pissed off, disappointed in her, fed up being such a low priority on her list and mostly at the moment, angry that you've wasted so much time and effort for her only for her to pull her usual stunt of being forgetful and double booking herself, this time to go abroad with someone else.

I'd be really cross with her (if I knew that the friendship was at an end). Then I'd block her number and remove her from my social media and block her there too.

If the friendship was worth working on, I'd tell her that I was pissed off and disappointed in her and fed up being so low on her list of priorities and that it was now up to her to fix what needed fixing going forward. She is the one who is so scatter-brained, she needs to focus. Or something like that.

I think it’s really weird of you not to have mentioned it again and expected her to still have diarised it. Also quite weird to spend so much on a friend’s birthday tbh and I’d feel very uncomfortable if I was her. It comes across as if you’re trying to prove she doesn’t prioritise you enough or isn’t as good a person as you or something.

I agree with this. My bestie spent about £50 on my last significant birthday and I was really touched by that. (I know how much because we were out together and I admired something and she bought it for me then and there). If a friend spent hundreds on me, I'd feel overwhelmed.

I think it's odd to not mention it again for months, why not confirm with her again when you'd booked it? She might've thought it wasn't happening since it was never brought up again and if it's a big birthday she probably wanted to make sure she had something nice planned to do (the holiday).

Don't agree with PPs that you should have to frequently remind a friend of plans though. You're adults!

OP probably didn't want to mention it frequently as it is a sort of semi-surprise birthday gift. And it might not be weird for her to spend a lot on a friend's birthday - although I would find it weird, tbh. But putting something into a diary is just so basic! I couldn't be friends with someone that flaky.

I do find it odd that you haven’t been talking about the weekend more. Apart from logistical points, half the enjoyment is in the anticipation.

But the reaction to it (“I’m embarrassed.” And that’s it?) would be a bit of a nail in the coffin for me. She must know that it’s really bad and that you will have put effort into it (as you say you do this sort of thing for life events) and possibly money that you can’t get back.

People all have their quirks. If she’s a brilliant friend in every other way, I would overlook it but adjust what I did with her in the future. If this is one of many things little or large, then I would take it as a sign she isn’t that bothered and pull right back making sure I didn’t invest time or effort or give up other opportunities for her.

If it's a big birthday this friend is presumably at least 30. Perhaps she expected she would be consulted on the plan for her day.

I think it's likely that the friendship means more to OP.

For future, I’d set up a shared calendar and add events to it yourself.

So you are in a well paid job - but what about your friend? Would she be able to reciprocate? Could it be that your generosity makes her feel uncomfortable?

I'm still not clear (sorry if I've missed it...) whether you reminded her at any time after the initial arrangement was made.

Invest in an Alexa.

Why did you expect her to behave any differently to how she normally does?

Decades ago, I had a friend who was great fun but over the course of a couple of years, pissed me off by pulling stunts of this kind. On one occasion, we invited her for dinner (with her husband, who was also a good pal); she had got really keen on Spanish food so I stood up in the kitchen most of the day making a tapas meal.

He turned up as invited at 7pm, she was off up London with another friend getting pissed and finally turned up at ours - absolutely shit-faced - at 10.30pm. Deeply embarrased, he took her home immediately.

People who do this sort of thing aren't friends = they're hangers-on who will happily drop you for a better offer.

It’s her reaction that would end the friendship for me - she’s apparently embarrassed but not so much so that she’s asked if you’re out of pocket, enquired if the activities can be moved to another date, offered to reimburse you etc. She couldn’t be bothered to make a note of what she’d agreed with you and now she doesn’t seem to be bothering to take steps to rectify her mistake.

Lots of victim blaming going on here! The issue isn’t that the OP didn’t remind the friend or that she chose to spend lots of money on her friend, the issue is that the friend has forgotten an arrangement, been pretty blasé when reminded, and the OP is understandably hurt and disappointed! OP, as others have suggested, can you find someone lovely to spend the day with, who will value your company and remind you that you have other friends who won’t let you down? Going forward, never arrange more than a coffee with flakey friend.

@gavisconismyfriend There’s no victim blaming because nobody is a victim here 🙄

Think I'd take someone else like your mum/sister or another friend. Don't buy her anything for her birthday. If she asks why, tell her the weekend was non refundable so had to bring someone else

If she asks why tell her you forgot.

To the posters who say that they struggle with remembering things I would like to think that you would at least apologise. The OP's "friend" didn't even have the grace to do that.

Exactly, that’s just a headache. You will often find people like that are only forgetful when it’s suits them or they have subconsciously ranked specific people as very low priority in their life.

OP, the fact she never apologised says it all really!

I have to agree with this OP. You KNOW your friend is forgetful but you spent 'months' organising things and only get back to her the week before?? She may be very irritating in the way she forgets things and doesn't put things in her diary - but you are aware how she is.

If I had been your friend and the question was asked months ago and then I never heard any more from you ( who is basically paying for everything), I would have found it difficult to say 'is the weekend still on' but would more likely have assumed that it was no longer happening and made other arrangements for the Big Birthday

I would also take the 'I'm embarrassed' as an apology to be fair too'. Hopefully you can rearrange the things you organised for the two of you for a different weekend

I think yanbu to be annoyed she hasnt apologised after saying it was in her diary. And if she does nothing to apologise that would be a line in the sand for me with that friendship.

but i think yabu to not have regularly mentioned it to someone you say has serious and repeated issues with planning and remembering.

It sounds to me like this was a massive failure of communication.

You mentioned months ago that you and she should do 'something' for her big birthday weekend. Friend agrees and says 'it's in the diary'. However saying it's in the diary and it actually being in the diary are two different things - she may have put the phone down on you and then got immediately distracted by kids/work/delivery driver or whatever and then it slipped her mind completely. I say this because this happens to me all the time.

You then went ahead and booked a load of elaborate stuff without at any point checking in with your friend that this was ok with her, that she was definitely on for that weekend, or sending any reminders in the run up to it. That is bizarre behaviour to me. Especially when you know your friend is liable to forget plans and not put things in her diary. Why on earth didn't you double check with her at any point? You know what she's like. Why would she suddenly have turned into a hyper organised person who remembers dates of things mentioned briefly months beforehand?

I'm sure your friend is embarrassed and upset - but I don't think she has anything to apologise for. This is on you.

She remembered to organise her holiday abroad well enough.

I'd quietly retreat from this friendship. Leave her to do some running, and if she doesn't....

I’d be fuming. What a shit friend she is

As a ND person who works super hard to keep on top of things like that and make it to events reasonably on time, I feel at a certain age when adults care about something, even if they’re not naturally organised they’ll put measures in place to ensure they typically don’t forget things like this.

People actually think I’m super organised naturally but I’m not, I have to work hard and end up arriving to places early so I’m not late if that makes sense. But even then, occasionally if I am stressed sometimes things can slip my mind despite my best efforts.

But if for any reason I do slip up, I give a sincere apology and in this situation I’d make an necessary reimbursements if it cost the other person money as well as taking it upon myself to reschedule. Even if ND is the reasons she’s this flaky, I don’t think it’s necessary an excuse that absolves her from all responsibility. That said it would have been good for you to remind her at least once a bit earlier. But it’s still ultimately her responsibility.

I’d tell her how I feel and if it’s left you out of pocket let her know how much it’s cost you and leave it at that to see if she wants to apologise and reimburse you or not. Her response can guide if or how you want to continue the friendship.

Let it go, Op. and let her go as well. She's a total waste of space.