OP. I've used my samsung phone's diary for years. As soon as I make any appointment, I put it in there with a reminder alarm for the day before. I wouldn't forget a weekend away but there are degrees of adhd I believe.

However, since I switched to iphone and somehow all my calendars have merged, it is really unclear and I have found that I am forgetting appointments but luckily I get texts and email reminders for them.

The general conflation of ND/ADHD is really quite upsetting. Not all flakey people are ND (quite the reverse in my personal experience), and not all of us who are ND/with ADHD are flakey.

Accept that it's time to stop investing so heavily in this friendship.

There are loads of possible reasons WHY she's like this. Anything from neurodiversity to "she's just not that into you", but regardless, YOU are allowed to have boundaries of behaviour you can accept from others, and behaviours you won't accept. You DON'T have to cater to/accept her "flakiness", regardless of the reason for it, if it's something you don't like. Her issues don't have to be YOUR problem.

You don't have to put up with always being her second best option, if you don't want to be. But if your fine with her as a "small doses friend", then great!

I hope you haven't spent any money on this celebration, but if you have, is there another friend who would like to come?

As for original friend, don't even send her a card. Her gift was ready to go, she's chosen not to accept it. That's her problem.

As an additional aside to my reply above. I have inattentive ADHD, and I HAD to come up with systems to manage my life. Bullet journalling is my saviour!

YellowTreeHouse
Absolutely this. And OP has no answer

Because we have had conversations in the past about her forgetting engagements and being late. Hence why I asked her to put it in her diary and she said it's in the diary.

It's not unusual we would plan things months in advance, little surprises for one another.

I had taken her word that she did put it in her diary, which takes a couple of seconds. I didn't think I needed to remind her again tbh.

I think it sounds like you were testing her OP. You need to be honest with yourself if so - what were you expecting?

Your friend doesn't value your friendship (or you), I'm sorry to say. You made the mistake of booking all those lovely things for her birthday, albeit with very nice intentions.

Yeah this! I have ADHD. Thankfully many if my friends either are also ND or are understanding/tolerant. I have never forgotten a big organised thing like this though.

But it comes across that way because you are putting all of the blame on your friend while taking no responsibility for a situation you helped cause.

You know she is flaky, you know she has form for forgetting events, you know she doesn't always put things in her diary immediately and you know you made your plan months in advance when anything could change ... And yet for her big birthday weekend all you did was agree a date in the summer (which to me is July/August), agree to "diarize" the date and then make zero mention of it to her until the week before and then you seem surprised that she managed to flake on you and forget the event because she didn't put it in the diary 3+months earlier.

Are you obliged to do all the running? No, but considering the context of the relationship I am wondering why nobody has spoken to each other about such a big event at all in the intervening period just to chat about it or why you didn't check in periodically as you were making the various bookings?

I have a flakey friend like this. She forgets or cancels meet ups last minute. Forgets her DC's school events etc. and claims she's unable to manage things like money or time.

Thing is, when it's something she wants to do, it's incredible how motivated, organised and detailed she can be.

It's about priorities. I've learned I'm not one as I'm the 'always there' friend. So I gave up & relegated her to just someone I chat to occasionally and go when invited to bbq's etc. I no longer help her at all because she can't be arsed finding stuff out & have zero expectations & emotional investment. It's easier.

100% this is not a friend which is why I voted YABU - she has form and you're relationship with her is not a priority. Time to find better quality friends!

@Conundrum12345 no I agree you're nobody's PA.But I know if I'm in the situation where I'm shelling out my own money to do something with someone else, I'll just check in with them a few times to make sure we're still on. It just feels like a fairly normal thing to do.

@Conundrum12345 I suspect there is more to it all than just forgetfulness. You will probably never really find out what's behind her behaviour. You need to decide whether you wish to carry on with the friendship. She is unlikely to change. Doesn't mean you need to cut her out of your life. Can you accept the friendship on terms that will work for you in the future?

Once upon a time I would have blamed myself entirely for a situation like this. I would have questioned everything except the other person's behaviour. Your friend took part in conversations about this potential date and could equally have checked with you if it was still going ahead before booking her trip abroad? Even if she could only recollect a vague idea of dates, surely a good friend would have contacted you along the lines of "oh, you know we were talking about doing something in November....."

I think there are two issues here…
Her lateness/forgetfulness, and her response to Op’s booked events.

The continued lateness and apparent inability to keep a diary would annoy the hell out of me. She’s a grown woman, she must make hair, nail, dentist, work appointments? And OP is not her PA and should not have to keep reminding her… she did say it was in her diary…

The second issue is how she has responded to OP. Now this is the bit that would get me the most…. OP has said she can cancel some bits and is going to the spa with her sister, so al, good. But the total lack of apology would hurt. No consideration for the money OP has spent, and the time to organise a lovely treat. To be honest, I would have trouble moving past that.

I agree you need to wait until you are calm….but I would be telling her exactly how hurt and upset you are by first her childish inability to keep a diary, and secondly, her lack of apology or concern that she had ruined a surprise treat you had been planning for months.

I don’t think it’s right to assume she doesn’t care about you or the event or is forgetting on purpose! I have lots of lovely friends who would completely forget something like this too. Instead of booking in lots of activities it would be better to WhatsApp back and forth as you book things in to remind, to confirm with her. It’s annoying that she hasn’t said she’s sorry, but perhaps the plans were very vague and she hasn’t realised you’ve put so much effort into it at this stage, so she thinks it’s not a big deal to reschedule.

I think you’ll just have to swallow this one, learn for the future, rather than make a big deal out of it.

Relegate her to occasional friend, text and card for birthday, nothing else. I used to be like you, not any more.

Of course it is, but you KNOW she doesn’t do this.

From the very opening of your OP:

”I have a very good friend who is chronically late for our meet ups and never puts appointments in calendars and forgets about them.”

I mean, you full well know she doesn’t do something, so assuming she has done it - when you’ve spent £1400 - is madness.

Apologies.

Spending a load of money, and time organising, then.

Is it at all possible your friend is neurodivergent? I have ADHD, I am frequently late, I forget things that have been planned months in advance no matter how much I was originally looking forward to them. I try to remember to put things in my diary but if I don’t do it the instant it’s been mentioned, then most likely I’ll forget altogether. Doesn’t mean I’m flaky, care about my friends less or am selfish contrary to many of the comments here. It means my brain struggles with future planning. People are so quick to think the worst of people.

I would still go and take someone else with you. Her loss. There’s flakey and then there is just being rude! I don’t think you are being unreasonable. You probably could have messaged her to remind her but why should you if she said she had put it in the diary. Most people don’t go abroad very last min so she has probably booked the holiday not long after she’s agreed to plans with you and not felt you were important enough to contact and let know. You’re a good friend - take another good friend and enjoy x

That's poor behaviour on her part. I remember I used to have a friend who was so chronically late (without a word of an apology) I'd tell her I'd booked a table at a restaurant an hour before the actual booking, and she'd still be late for the time the table was actually booked.

I would have reminded her sooner, to be honest; it's her birthday, she's hardly likely to forget that! Take someone else, if you can, and back off a bit. The friendship isn't as close as you thought it was.

This!