Given her form for this behaviour, you were BU to:

1. arrange anything of this nature for her to begin with
   
2. not to double check/fool proof it with her before making the actual arrangements
   
   That said, she should have apologised. Hopefully she will yet.

How does anyone think the OP is being unreasonable? Sometimes mumsnet is completely nuts

Agree with the above. It looks as though a better offer came along and she is only embarrassed for herself, not sorry for hurting you or even offering to make it up in some way. I would take a big step backwards following this. I think you are being a bit too nice about her. She doesn't seem to have considered you at all. Glad you have been able to cancel most things and go to the spa with your DSis. I'd just post a card to her address and leave it there. Let her contact you and only accept an invitation if it is something you actually want to do. Assuming you remain friends, I'd just be dropping round a card and a small gift in future and arranging events with other friends.

It sounds as though she has been getting away with a lot over the years and hasn't made any effort to deal with her flaky behaviour which most of us would.

Also, I'd tell her just how hurt you were so she is not in any doubt or can go away thinking that it didn't matter really.

Yanbu.

Tell her. Politely, kindly, lovingly, gently in person. That it was upsetting and rude that she had forgotten the plans. That it cost you time and money and we're disappointed that she hadn't booked/prioritised it. If she apologises then she may change and friendship back on track...

This. See how she reacts.

It all feels a bit over the top for a friends birthday, hair and make up really? I cannot imagine going to get my hair done with a friend, to me that is like booking joint dental hygiene appointments. 😄

I also think it is strange that you did not confirm these things as you were booking them and have instead left it until the week before. That does sound like you were asking for trouble, even a well organised friend might have thought it wasn’t happening if they hadn’t heard anything since the summer.

You’re treated how you allow yourself to be treated, and it sounds like she has got away for so long with this sort of behaviour towards you, that she no longer respects your friendship.

The poll results will tell you more than the comments here.

I agree that to me it's a lot to do for a birthday. But my friends spend about £50 on birthday presents for each other, which others would also say was excessive. Each to their own.

Have a lovely spa day OP :)

So, you know she is forgetful and disorganised yet you still booked something on the promise of a text conversation you had months ago!?!? YABVU

I also find it very odd you left it to the last minute to message her asking if she's looking forward ti her 'surprise birthday' it's almost like you've done it on purpose

I think you need to adjust your investment in this ‘friend’ accordingly. You know she’s flaky and unreliable so at least she remained true to character and didn’t disappoint.

So - you made an arrangement months ago, didn’t mention it again, and assumed she’d magically go against everything she’s ever done before?

This really. You can't change her or the way she acts - which is a separate issue from whether or not she should change. The only bit you can control is what you do. Personally before arranging a day out or anything that involved any money I'd just double check with any friend, however flakey or organised, that things were still on. Years of experience just suggest to me that if you don't do this, life gets in the way and there's too much room for confusion.

The fact that she's doing something else suggests to me that whilst the OP sees her as a BFF, she sees the OP as just another friend. Neither is wrong but the mismatch is a problem.

You spent £1400 on a friend's birthday???

Fuck me. I know I'm Scottish and therefore assumed to be tight as a duck's arse but I don't think I've even spent that much on my husband in ten years.

Can I be your friend?

Does she have adhd?

Even if she put it in her diary, it doesn't mean she'd check her diary. If she has executive function issues, she probably doesn't even know where her diary is half the time. I do find it odd that, knowing how she is, you never at any point mentioned it. Not even a "You're still ok for November, right?"

You are to blame here. She is flaky and you know this.

It used to amaze me too, but it's far from unheard of on here. Here's a thread where the OP has bought train tickets for her friend, as well as a sixty-five pound gift and is buying lunch for both of them, all as birthday presents. Then the friend has chosen an expensive place, hence the OP venting on AIBU.😆

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4523202-friends-birthday-meal-i-m-paying-and-she-picked-expensive-place-aibu?reply=117361232&flipped=1

I don't think I've ever bought a birthday present for a friend that went further than a pint of beer.

Friendship would be over for me.

She told you it was in her diary! She either lied, or didn't care and booked the holiday.

I don't understand 'forgetful' as an excuse, especially when she's clearly remembered her holiday abroad.

Stuff like this is really not what the phrase ‘victim blaming’ is intended for. Using social justice language for absolutely anything that pisses you off a) weakens it for its actual useful context and b) makes you sound hyperbolic and silly.

You must tell her how you feel.
Not to be mean but so that she fully understands the consequences to you of her double booking and to hear her side of the story…if there is one.
It’s not a proper friendship if you don’t start a conversation off about it.
She may need help and understanding. Or she may need a kick up the backside so that she doesn’t take you for granted ever again.
At the very least, she needs to learn a few manners on how to properly and sincerely apologise. ‘I am embarrassed’ is not an apology.

Oh no. I definitely wouldn’t go to this trouble.
dump her she’s not a good friend.

I have ADHD and the PPs post is spot on. I do, though, put stuff in my calendar on my phone because of it and almost over plan important event things to ensure it builds in extra contingencies for my flakiness. For example it was my daughter's birthday party and to keep it front and centre of my mind I sort of hyperfocused on it and got a bit obsessed planning it which kept my attention and got it done. Noone attending would think I had ADHD as people forget the hyperfocus part - I went overboard if anything but I didn't let her down by forgetting anything.

I can't do this with everything and also sometimes important things get overlooked if I am distracted when sorting them out. For example often I forget to pay parking on apps or clean air or dart charge if I get distracted and then end up thinking I did it when I didnt. I also often don't open post as it comes through the door when I'm busy so I pick it up and put it down and then forget about it.

I have a really important job which requires me to be organised so a lot of people wouldn't realise I have ADHD unless told and/or would think I couldn't possibly forget things like an appointment or a fine but as PP said, all my energy goes into maintaining that job. Its also something I hyperfocus at in fits and starts which is enough to perform it well.

The key for me is to be encouraged - either by myself or family/friends asking me - to immediately diarise things or deal with things when told as if I am interrupted or distracted I forget and will not do the thing. Sometimes this means I have to quite abruptly but politely ask family to stop talking after they've mentioned a date i.e. dont go straight onto another topic so I can diarise immediately or stop mid conversation to pay parking/transfer money to them from my app etc because it has come up in conversation and I'll forget unless immediately do it.

In terms of OPs example though, even if her friend has ADHD or another neurodiversity its a poor show. She managed to remember her holiday abroad. She must know, as an adult and therefore someone who has had years of experience of herself and how she is, that she forgets stuff and has forgotten important plans with this friend before and therefore if she wanted to do the thing she could've stopped and diarised it or communicated to her friend what she needed in order to remember.

So to the poster I've tagged and to the OP, though yes it is helpful to help friends put who are 'flaky' they can and should also take responsibility for themselves.