You sound like a good friend. I'm glad you're not going to dump her for not being perfect. I'd like to hope she realises this and appreciates it.

It depends really , i find it hard to believe that she is that absent minded. Even if she forgot the date , she would have remembered you made plans and then checked the dates before booking trip abroad. You sound like a lovely friend but as others have said she doesn't value you in the same way like any relationship it needs to be balanced. I would distance yourself now

She's a grown adult! Why is the op responsible for chasing her to keep to arrangements she's agreed to?!

I'd feel really hurt in your position too. I think I'd want to take a brief step back and when the time is right, in person, gently let them how disappointed you were. Probably not worth losing the friendship over, but I think you need to let them know how it made you feel - help them realise how important it is to not forget things that have been organised.

Also a lesson learnt and probably made a permanent dent in your friendship as lost trust, but in future you'll need to take more responsibility for reminding them and organised events. Make a joke if it - tell them you need to see a screen shot/ photo of the calendar/ diary so you know they've remembered to write it down, you don't want a repeat of their birthday celebrations you arranged and they forgot about. Make them feel bad for a while, but in time hopefully can get over to still be friends.

That's the crux of it, isn't it. Whatever the reason for the flakiness, and even if there is not a reason.

Friendship has to be a two way street. If one party is feeling let down, upset, angry or frustrated, then the decision has to be made about whether to continue the friendship. As someone who has ditched a "friend" for exactly these reasons, it's liberating.

1. She’s less into you than you are her. Not your fault.
   
   
2. If I’d known what she was like I’d have been texting frequently about it in the days/weeks beforehand.

I'm not sure why people are blaming you for this, OP! MN can be weird.

I think you should say something to her, when you're calm, along the lines of how upset you were and that her doing this and not apologising has damaged your trust in her friendship. If she is a good friend, she will understand and try to make amends. And if not... well, then you know.

how do you think most people keep in top of things ? of course you need to set reminders keep a calendar etc that how everyone does it

You should make a note never to book an event with this "friend"
If she's able to turn up at the airport and catch a flight both ways then that's because she sees the trip as more important.
Tbh you were unreasonable not to contact her regularly between booking and now. It will make you feel like a micromanaging parent but it would have dramatically increased the chances of the current situation not happening.

I'm not blaming OP, it's just as the default organiser of a few friends holidays and events out, I know how flakey many people can be. Not intentionally, but just because life gets in the way.

I've somehow managed to organise a ski trip to be away on DHs actual birthday. I feel dreadful, but with all the melee of arranging suitable dates and picking a hotel, I didn't realise until it was too late.
Thankfully he's fairly unbothered by stuff like that and we had no plans.

So I read your OP and other posts…

I had a friend who was chronically late for our meet-ups… hours sometimes and even then she’d criticise me often try to put me down when we did meet up. But we did have fun on meeting up and she turned up to a landmark birthday celebration for me.

one day she asked me to lend her money but send it to an overseas Western union account which I did so. Or tried to do but it got messed up. I’d lent her money before and she always paid me back even though I wasn’t happy lending this to her. She was angry that I’d messed the transaction up but I had a lightbulb moment. I thought, you’re late every time we meet, etc…. Of course she was not late for work etc.

i thought I must be not as close a friend as I’d thought but I’d had enough! Had cut contact before with her.

fool me once, fool me twice no!

OP, you either forgive this friend and help her or you don’t. I know what I’d do!

There was a thread recently where a poster forgot she had a wedding tomorrow and is always forgetting things. I think others were saying is may be that she has adult ADHD or maybe something else, I’ve forgotten now!
Not apologising is not good unless she has problems putting herself in your position as she’s only said she’s embarrassed.

I do the forgetting / not diarising plans thing and it’s 109% because immediately neurodiverse rather than don’t care or value people BUT I’d still know there were plans in that month and I’d be checking every few months to make sure I hadn’t got the date confused (and once messaged to me I’d know where to find it).

So- YANBU. Not diarising and being scary can be w good reason but independent adults learn to manage such things somehow.

I have a very good friend who is chronically late for our meet ups and never puts appointments in calendars and forgets about them

I suppose I would just assume it would have been diarised when we set up the date

You can't think both things! I think you set her up to fail on this one. Why bother organising these things if you know she's flaky?

THIS!!!

I really don't understand why people are being mean to the OP.

She asked an adult to celebrate the adults birthday. She had mentioned it between the original idea and the date. She asked her to put the date in her diary.

Surely the adult knew when her birthday was. Why should the OP have to keep reminding her. When I am looking forward to seeing my friends I don't forget the date.

Does her boss have to tell her her next task and then keep asking her if she has remembered to do it.

It is pathetic. Stop making excuses and attacking the OP.

The OP was trying to be very nice and shouldn't have to keep reminding this adult about something that presumably they would both enjoy and both be looking forward to.

And why set someone up to fail if it is going to cost you money. Ridiculous.

If you haven't got anything nice to say then leave the OP alone. Other people have already said it so you are just bullying her now.

The OP was trying to be very nice and shouldn't have to keep reminding this adult about something that presumably they would both enjoy and both be looking forward to.

Not one person is arguing that she ‘shouldn’t’ have to. But she did have to.

The friend has form. Why would anyone think she would act differently this one time? It doesn’t make any sense.

If it was me I wouldn’t bother. I had a friend like this and yes we also had some fantastic times together but it seemed she enjoyed seeing me run about after her only for her to ‘forget’ or just not turn up! She would always let me down as soon as a better offer came along… just like it seems your friend has with the holiday! Strange how she hasn’t forgot that! And as she is like it with everyone it shows exactly the sort of person you are dealing with. A one off error with just one or two people where she has forgot…. Ok fair enough, you can let that one go… but to do it all the time and treat everyone the same…. Nah!

I would totally agree on your points on helping her overcome her planning issues IF she was actually remorseful and had apologised but she isn’t and hasn’t! Or at the very least offered to either reschedule or reimburse you for the costs, even if you will get the deposits back she probably wouldn’t have known that you get the deposits back but never even asked to find out if you do or not! The fact that she never apologised seems to me that she doesn’t really care! THAT is the difference between a true friend who is just a bit forgetful and someone like her!

I think these responses are so bizarre. OP you asked for honesty so not being mean but this is a totally over the top day you’ve planned for a friend and she’s not as into you.

You're a very generous friend, @Conundrum12345
She'd be absolutely DONE with me.
All I would say, is, wait for her to contact you now. See how much you DO mean to her. Hugs.

Yes you have tried to do something nice for her and look at the big slap in the face she has given you!

For me it’s not so much the money spent it’s the principle that she didn’t even have the decency to apologise or show an inch of remorse. If someone had gone to the same trouble for me as you have done your friend… and I had genuinely forgot, I would be apologising and feeling truly ashamed of myself that someone had spent so much time and money on me! Instead she’s just ‘embarrassed’! She didn’t forget! She rather just have a holiday and didn’t care that you had gone to all that trouble for her. She’s not a genuine friend… a genuine friend would react differently than she has.

That's really nice of you and you honestly sound like a wonderful, thoughtful person. Unfortunately I think you are wasting all that loveliness on the wrong person.

Is it not my own personal responsibility to organise my own calendar? I don't expect anyone to act as my PA.

wow, OP! Way to be understanding of your friend 😂 No it’s not your responsibility to be your friend’s PA, but I feel like mentioning something 3 months in advance and then not again until the week before is a bit odd, especially as you speak to her a lot. Would you not be saying ‘can’t wait for our weekend away’ or similar? Anyway, who is at fault is no longer the most important thing here. You mention that you want to keep the friendship so you need to be honest about being upset, but also understand that not everyone is as organised as you are, and how can you two communicate better in future.