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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Older ladies tutting at my son with ADHD

220 replies

Usernamqwerty · 26/10/2022 22:22

My just-turned six year old DS is under investigation for ADHD (if he doesn't have it, I'll eat my hat...). School are fully in agreement. He's hyper, impulsive, interrupts me all the time, doesn't focus etc.

Well, among other things, he just doesn't keep still. Loves running around. I was in Boots today picking up a prescription and had to stand at the till until the lady had sorted all the bits. My son started running around and around the store (quite a small one) and there was a little queue and two older ladies started looking at him, muttering to each other and tutting at me and saying "excuse me" loudly to me. I apologised and explained my son has SN and finds it hard to keep still. I couldn't go after him because I had to wait there. Every time he 'did a loop' past me, I tried to grab his arm (gently) and ask him to stop running around, but this had no effect. His 4 year old sister then joined in and started running around too. It looks like I can't control them 😕.

When I finally got my prescriptions, I explained to the lady behind me and the lady at the till that my son has SN and finds it hard to keep still and they were lovely about it and commented on how hard it must be and I am doing my best.

How do I handle the comments and the tutting in the future? I feel like a crap parent and it's hard enough trying to cope with my son's behaviours without comments from strangers 😬.

I grew up with a severely disabled sibling with brain damage, but it was more obvious that he had disabilities, due to the wheelchair and his making noises etc.

Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
Rufus27 · 26/10/2022 22:28

I have two like your son. You gradually develop thick skin and find your tribe. For every person (hate to say it, but it’s nearly always older women) who stares and tuts, there will be another who goes out of their way to help.

Original poster
Usernamqwerty · 26/10/2022 22:31

Rufus27 · 26/10/2022 22:28

I have two like your son. You gradually develop thick skin and find your tribe. For every person (hate to say it, but it’s nearly always older women) who stares and tuts, there will be another who goes out of their way to help.

Hurray! goes on a tribe hunt

I have recently joined a group for SEN families in my county and it's brilliant! They run activities for SEN kids and siblings and it's so nice not having to apologise for my son's behaviours 🙄.

Sorry you are going through this too. It's tough parenting without the extras on top isn't it?

Solidarity 👊

OP posts:
PurpleButterflyWings · 26/10/2022 22:32

Older ladies? Hmm

Original poster
Usernamqwerty · 26/10/2022 22:35

PurpleButterflyWings · 26/10/2022 22:32

Older ladies? Hmm

In their seventies, I would guess.

I just turned 40 so consider myself middle aged!

OP posts:
Marcipex · 26/10/2022 22:36

Perhaps frailer people are afraid of being knocked into?
Maybe they are already ill and in pain and being banged into would be disastrous rather than just annoying.

Purplepurse · 26/10/2022 22:37

Why is their age important?

MrsGhastlyCrumb · 26/10/2022 22:38

Another one here with two (younger has ADHD, older ASD.) I'd love to say I've developed thicker skin, but I still struggle at times. However, when I see folk out with their kids who clearly have ADHD I always do my best to be one of the smiley strangers, because I know it can make a difference.

MissMaple82 · 26/10/2022 22:39

You grow a thick skin! Not everyone is tolerate to labels

BryceQuinlanTheFirst · 26/10/2022 22:40

My son is autistic and people always state. You just get a thick skin and educate when you can. Even my own grandma has struggled to understand it but with patience we've got there.

I've often had to walk out of shops because my son couldn't stand it and would scream. You just accept not everything goes to plan

BryceQuinlanTheFirst · 26/10/2022 22:40

Stare *

Original poster
Usernamqwerty · 26/10/2022 22:40

Marcipex · 26/10/2022 22:36

Perhaps frailer people are afraid of being knocked into?
Maybe they are already ill and in pain and being banged into would be disastrous rather than just annoying.

Yes, that's true. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Usernamqwerty · 26/10/2022 22:41

BryceQuinlanTheFirst · 26/10/2022 22:40

My son is autistic and people always state. You just get a thick skin and educate when you can. Even my own grandma has struggled to understand it but with patience we've got there.

I've often had to walk out of shops because my son couldn't stand it and would scream. You just accept not everything goes to plan

That sounds really stressful. I'm sorry 😞.

OP posts:
serenghetti2011 · 26/10/2022 22:41

It’s hard, really hard. My son has Asd and adhd and can say some inappropriate things sometimes and behaves very much younger than he is. So we get lots of comments, eye rolls and tuts. I ignore it tbh I phase people out and concentrate on my kids.
you will find ways to manage things, it’s hard and exhausting but you’re not alone some days it all goes wrong despite your best efforts. Take some time for you, to realise you’re doing an amazing job. The assessment and diagnostic process for this is long and it’s stressful- my son finally had his official diagnosis in April then may and it’s just A LOT

it took me a while to process and move on from it - I knew he had both but it’s still hard.
anyway don’t beat yourself up. Tomorrow is a new day

LizzieVereker · 26/10/2022 22:42

That sounds hard. My Mum would have been one of the “tutters”, but it’s because she is in a lot pain, unsteady on her feet and would have been worried that your little boy might crash into her. She’d try really hard not to to let it show but her anxiety would probably get the better of her and she’d seem disapproving of him running around.

Can you control your children if you really need to (on the pavement, or in a restaurant if there are hot drinks being carried)? What strategies do you use then?

BryceQuinlanTheFirst · 26/10/2022 22:42

It's not really stressful as we just get used to it. If I stressed about everything I'd be an absolute wreck. I think my son picks up on my anxiety so I try to be cool and calm for him.

I'm sorry you felt judged in the shop x

Original poster
Usernamqwerty · 26/10/2022 22:43

serenghetti2011 · 26/10/2022 22:41

It’s hard, really hard. My son has Asd and adhd and can say some inappropriate things sometimes and behaves very much younger than he is. So we get lots of comments, eye rolls and tuts. I ignore it tbh I phase people out and concentrate on my kids.
you will find ways to manage things, it’s hard and exhausting but you’re not alone some days it all goes wrong despite your best efforts. Take some time for you, to realise you’re doing an amazing job. The assessment and diagnostic process for this is long and it’s stressful- my son finally had his official diagnosis in April then may and it’s just A LOT

it took me a while to process and move on from it - I knew he had both but it’s still hard.
anyway don’t beat yourself up. Tomorrow is a new day

Thank you. That's sounds really stressful - I'm sorry to hear you have been through it too 😞. You sound like an amazing parent!

OP posts:
bestsellingshow · 26/10/2022 22:44

I tell myself that other people’s opinions are none of my business. If my son overheard what they said I’d tell him “the lady’s opinion is none of our business” loud enough for her to hear.

Original poster
Usernamqwerty · 26/10/2022 22:45

LizzieVereker · 26/10/2022 22:42

That sounds hard. My Mum would have been one of the “tutters”, but it’s because she is in a lot pain, unsteady on her feet and would have been worried that your little boy might crash into her. She’d try really hard not to to let it show but her anxiety would probably get the better of her and she’d seem disapproving of him running around.

Can you control your children if you really need to (on the pavement, or in a restaurant if there are hot drinks being carried)? What strategies do you use then?

Awww, your poor Mum!

Pavement, he stays by the buggy.

Restaurants we just do with Daddy with us as I find it too stressful on my own.

I think it's something about the bright lights and inviting aisles that set him off in certain shops for a runabout 🤦

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 26/10/2022 22:45

Doing laps can be a lot lot less disruptive than the alternative Wink

BlackeyedSusan · 26/10/2022 22:45

Fluorescent lights!

Original poster
Usernamqwerty · 26/10/2022 22:45

bestsellingshow · 26/10/2022 22:44

I tell myself that other people’s opinions are none of my business. If my son overheard what they said I’d tell him “the lady’s opinion is none of our business” loud enough for her to hear.

Fab 👍

OP posts:
Original poster
Usernamqwerty · 26/10/2022 22:46

BlackeyedSusan · 26/10/2022 22:45

Fluorescent lights!

Yep! 🤦

OP posts:
DoodlePug · 26/10/2022 22:46

As far as they're concerned your DS is misbehaving and you are ineffective in managing his behaviour. Lots of people don't understand SN and more don't believe in this type of SN.

I'm afraid you have to stop caring about what others think, and stop believing you're a mind reader.

I remember tutting to myself in a post office queue when I realised I'd forgotten a parcel and the mum in front with a grizzly toddler gave me a mouthful for judging her, I was too shocked to reply!

If you wanted to actively do something you could print a small card with some info and hand it out on your way out the door, but really that just means you're thinking about it even more.

serenghetti2011 · 26/10/2022 22:47

Thank you, not sure I’m amazing but you do learn and adapt to your child and as @BryceQuinlanTheFirst said remaining Calm and in control for them helps. It can be tiring as I feel like I’m always ‘on’ I can’t just relax and enjoy something. Everything is planned.

my son would not have coped with the boots scenario so I just wouldn’t have done it or left if I had to wait then returned or sent someone else. If we go into town we have a ‘plan’ I can deviate a little if I need to pop in to a shop for something but I get what I need and leave. I’m always thinking one step ahead, what if he does this or that etc. he’s a joy, a quirky, funny and interesting child who I learn from each day I would only change the world around him to be more accepting and understanding.

Original poster
Usernamqwerty · 26/10/2022 22:47

BlackeyedSusan · 26/10/2022 22:45

Fluorescent lights!

He probably has Sensory Processing Disorder as well. Hates loud noises, hand dryers etc. Gets super excited by the hoover coming on. Spends 20 minutes on the roundabout in the park...

OP posts: