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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Older ladies tutting at my son with ADHD

220 replies

Usernamqwerty · 26/10/2022 22:22

My just-turned six year old DS is under investigation for ADHD (if he doesn't have it, I'll eat my hat...). School are fully in agreement. He's hyper, impulsive, interrupts me all the time, doesn't focus etc.

Well, among other things, he just doesn't keep still. Loves running around. I was in Boots today picking up a prescription and had to stand at the till until the lady had sorted all the bits. My son started running around and around the store (quite a small one) and there was a little queue and two older ladies started looking at him, muttering to each other and tutting at me and saying "excuse me" loudly to me. I apologised and explained my son has SN and finds it hard to keep still. I couldn't go after him because I had to wait there. Every time he 'did a loop' past me, I tried to grab his arm (gently) and ask him to stop running around, but this had no effect. His 4 year old sister then joined in and started running around too. It looks like I can't control them 😕.

When I finally got my prescriptions, I explained to the lady behind me and the lady at the till that my son has SN and finds it hard to keep still and they were lovely about it and commented on how hard it must be and I am doing my best.

How do I handle the comments and the tutting in the future? I feel like a crap parent and it's hard enough trying to cope with my son's behaviours without comments from strangers 😬.

I grew up with a severely disabled sibling with brain damage, but it was more obvious that he had disabilities, due to the wheelchair and his making noises etc.

Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
Original poster
Usernamqwerty · 26/10/2022 22:48

DoodlePug · 26/10/2022 22:46

As far as they're concerned your DS is misbehaving and you are ineffective in managing his behaviour. Lots of people don't understand SN and more don't believe in this type of SN.

I'm afraid you have to stop caring about what others think, and stop believing you're a mind reader.

I remember tutting to myself in a post office queue when I realised I'd forgotten a parcel and the mum in front with a grizzly toddler gave me a mouthful for judging her, I was too shocked to reply!

If you wanted to actively do something you could print a small card with some info and hand it out on your way out the door, but really that just means you're thinking about it even more.

Thank you 😊

OP posts:
ihatethefuckingmuffin · 26/10/2022 22:48

Before the days of internet shopping and having prescriptions delivered (Lloyd echo are amazing) I would often leave the tills letting them know I would be back, and either carry on with my whatever or serve the next person.
I would then go back and stand at the side.

Yes it was a pain in the arse, took longer to get things done and bloody hard work, but regardless of the reasons behind it, I wanted my ds to know and understand social norms. And yes there were times we would also just leave.

We would then talk about why they wanted to do that running or whatever.

amicissimma · 26/10/2022 22:49

I work (volantary) among older people and one of the things they are most nervous about is being knocked into. Balance can be less reliable in older people and what would be a bit of a tumble for a younger person can result in a fracture in a person with older, thinner and more brittle bones that doesn't heal properly and leaves them unable to continue to live independent lives. Over the years I've seen it happen to several people.

So, upsetting as it must be for you, children dashing about unpredictably can pose real threat to older people.

CourtneeLuv · 26/10/2022 22:49

It looks like I can't control them 😕.

You can't.

Original poster
Usernamqwerty · 26/10/2022 22:51

serenghetti2011 · 26/10/2022 22:47

Thank you, not sure I’m amazing but you do learn and adapt to your child and as @BryceQuinlanTheFirst said remaining Calm and in control for them helps. It can be tiring as I feel like I’m always ‘on’ I can’t just relax and enjoy something. Everything is planned.

my son would not have coped with the boots scenario so I just wouldn’t have done it or left if I had to wait then returned or sent someone else. If we go into town we have a ‘plan’ I can deviate a little if I need to pop in to a shop for something but I get what I need and leave. I’m always thinking one step ahead, what if he does this or that etc. he’s a joy, a quirky, funny and interesting child who I learn from each day I would only change the world around him to be more accepting and understanding.

Thank you 😊. Some good ideas here!

I really try and avoid bringing them to shops etc because this always happens, but today I had no choice. Sometimes I wish he could just behave himself and stay quiet, but the more I learn about ADHD, I see it's not his fault. Sigh. It's bloody hard sometimes.

OP posts:
DoodlePug · 26/10/2022 22:52

amicissimma · 26/10/2022 22:49

I work (volantary) among older people and one of the things they are most nervous about is being knocked into. Balance can be less reliable in older people and what would be a bit of a tumble for a younger person can result in a fracture in a person with older, thinner and more brittle bones that doesn't heal properly and leaves them unable to continue to live independent lives. Over the years I've seen it happen to several people.

So, upsetting as it must be for you, children dashing about unpredictably can pose real threat to older people.

This is such a good point.

Older people also have special needs.

serenghetti2011 · 26/10/2022 22:52

@CourtneeLuv really? Unhelpful
these situations give parents of children with sen an opportunity to think about what they’d do differently next time. We don’t need to be judged because goodness knows we beat ourselves up enough when things go wrong, when they meltdown in public etc

Japanesejazz · 26/10/2022 22:53

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Original poster
Usernamqwerty · 26/10/2022 22:54

serenghetti2011 · 26/10/2022 22:52

@CourtneeLuv really? Unhelpful
these situations give parents of children with sen an opportunity to think about what they’d do differently next time. We don’t need to be judged because goodness knows we beat ourselves up enough when things go wrong, when they meltdown in public etc

Omg, the meltdowns! They are awful and make me question my parenting ability every time 🤦

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 26/10/2022 22:55

Primark lights are bad. Not been back since even though they are now old enough to go out and about on their own.

When they were very little, reins, strapped round my leg worked. A little bundle of rage strapped to my leg. Alternatively one would intently study the items on the shelf while completely ignoring the bundle of rage under one arm.

The sweary phase is not pleasant either. Mostly improved now, except for today. Been called all sorts today. Enough to make a navvy blush.

Mariposista · 26/10/2022 22:55

A lot of older people (70+) will not really be familiar with ADHD and similar conditions - in 'their day', it was not a concept that was understood and ADHD kids were passed off as 'naughty/uncontrollable'. Some may have grown to understand it if they have been exposed to it through a family member or contact, but for those who don't, you have to accept it almost on the same scale as a cultural difference and just remember that their opinion of you and your ability to parent doesn't really matter.

Original poster
Usernamqwerty · 26/10/2022 22:55

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We do discipline him.

He attended preschool from 2.5 years.

Average amount of screen time for a child his age.

OP posts:
RainbowsMoonbeams · 26/10/2022 22:56

Sorry you had that, OP.

Learn to master the art of not giving a hoot what anyone else thinks or says in this situation. It is very liberating.

donttellmehesalive · 26/10/2022 22:56

I'm a teacher and think I would recognise SEN and be understanding. But to many people, who have no understanding or knowledge of SEN, it will look as if you can't control them and they will judge accordingly.

Since you can't control what other people think or do, I think your only options are to ignore or, if you are minded to, explain and raise awareness. And take comfort from people experiencing similar on here and in rl. It must be tough. We are not all judging.

Original poster
Usernamqwerty · 26/10/2022 22:57

BlackeyedSusan · 26/10/2022 22:55

Primark lights are bad. Not been back since even though they are now old enough to go out and about on their own.

When they were very little, reins, strapped round my leg worked. A little bundle of rage strapped to my leg. Alternatively one would intently study the items on the shelf while completely ignoring the bundle of rage under one arm.

The sweary phase is not pleasant either. Mostly improved now, except for today. Been called all sorts today. Enough to make a navvy blush.

Oh my! My son goes on and on about poo and bums (for no apparent reason) and watches the same thing on TV for a few weeks (not constantly 😉)

OP posts:
Original poster
Usernamqwerty · 26/10/2022 22:57

donttellmehesalive · 26/10/2022 22:56

I'm a teacher and think I would recognise SEN and be understanding. But to many people, who have no understanding or knowledge of SEN, it will look as if you can't control them and they will judge accordingly.

Since you can't control what other people think or do, I think your only options are to ignore or, if you are minded to, explain and raise awareness. And take comfort from people experiencing similar on here and in rl. It must be tough. We are not all judging.

Thank you 😊

OP posts:
sourcreampringle · 26/10/2022 22:57

serenghetti2011 · 26/10/2022 22:52

@CourtneeLuv really? Unhelpful
these situations give parents of children with sen an opportunity to think about what they’d do differently next time. We don’t need to be judged because goodness knows we beat ourselves up enough when things go wrong, when they meltdown in public etc

This!
I remember autistic DS having a particularly bad meltdown at a play cafe type thing. The tuts and comments from some of the women there sent me over the edge. I left straight away with him as it wasn’t fair on everybody else and he needed to calm down so I don’t know why the comments and stares were needed. I strapped him in his car seat then broke down sobbing for about five minutes. I had been feeling extremely anxious about taking him out beforehand and really self-conscious as well as feeling generally lonely, isolated and overwhelmed with my situation, so experiencing that when I was already fragile was too much.

Ive learnt to just grow a thick skin but I always make sure to give a friendly smile if I ever spot another mum in a similar situation.

underneaththeash · 26/10/2022 22:58

They still need to behave in shops. You just remind them before you go in. Like you would a younger child.
“remember in the shop you can’t run around - do you understand?”
(my daughter has ADHD)

serenghetti2011 · 26/10/2022 22:58

@Usernamqwerty I took my son and his older brother to Tesco last week for the shop
big mistake it was ok but I was so stressed that I spent too much and was just worried about what would happen. I usually go when they are at school. It was a good reminder to continue that

Myrighteyeball · 26/10/2022 23:00

OP my now 9 year old was (is) similar, including the sensitivity to noise - she still turns the robot vacuum off if it turns on while she's at home.

My main concern was safety, both for her and others. If it helps, here are two things that helped us:

  • we practiced stopping and sitting down when I clapped my hands twice and said firmly "Stop and sit". We practiced it randomly everywhere for about a year - at home, while walking to school, at the park. I explained we were practiving to keep her safe and it was like a safety drill. I only actually used it "for real" a few times when really necessary but it stopped her blindly running in a carpark at least once and stopped her running out the door of a restaurant onto a busy street.
  • would quietly play Simon Says while queuing, waiting at the doctor etc. I made being 'allowed' to play it a special treat, so sometimes we would play at home as a reward for good behaviour. Then when we played while we were out she saw it as a super fun thing to do.

As to the shame you feel when people tut, I guess it might help to remember that they are probably either also sensitive to noise, or perhaps worried about being knocked into.

sourcreampringle · 26/10/2022 23:01

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My grandmother is convinced my toddler nephews autism diagnosis is actually just too much screen time 🤣🤣I wish I was joking.

PrincessofWellies · 26/10/2022 23:01

Marcipex · 26/10/2022 22:36

Perhaps frailer people are afraid of being knocked into?
Maybe they are already ill and in pain and being banged into would be disastrous rather than just annoying.

This. It's something younger people don't appreciate. Knocking into a person with balance/arthritis/dodgy hips etc can mean they fall over. When older people fall over it can mean broken bones.

Perhaps look at why you feel your needs superseded those of other customers and consider a different method of managing your shopping when with your children.

TooHotToRamble · 26/10/2022 23:01

bestsellingshow · 26/10/2022 22:44

I tell myself that other people’s opinions are none of my business. If my son overheard what they said I’d tell him “the lady’s opinion is none of our business” loud enough for her to hear.

I love this!

A good thing to remember also when navigating the internet!

Marcipex · 26/10/2022 23:02

CourtneeLuv · Today 22:49
It looks like I can't control them 😕.

You can't.

Well not very tactfully put, but true. You tried several times to grab him but failed, his sibling joined him …

You do need some strategy for these occasions though.
Would a peaked cap or sunglasses reduce the effect of the lighting?
Could a fiddle toy be a diversion?
Reins?
Jumping on the spot? Less scary for other people queuing. How many hops on each foot and which leg is stronger?

Livelovebehappy · 26/10/2022 23:03

Could you control your 4 year old DD? I’m guessing one child running around manically might have been a bit of a pain to people, but two would have been worse. Probably would have been good to ask your 4 year old to calm down and stand still next to you. A 4 yr old with no SN should be able to follow your instructions.