Older ladies tutting at my son with ADHD

[Usernamqwerty]

My just-turned six year old DS is under investigation for ADHD (if he doesn't have it, I'll eat my hat...). School are fully in agreement. He's hyper, impulsive, interrupts me all the time, doesn't focus etc.

Well, among other things, he just doesn't keep still. Loves running around. I was in Boots today picking up a prescription and had to stand at the till until the lady had sorted all the bits. My son started running around and around the store (quite a small one) and there was a little queue and two older ladies started looking at him, muttering to each other and tutting at me and saying "excuse me" loudly to me. I apologised and explained my son has SN and finds it hard to keep still. I couldn't go after him because I had to wait there. Every time he 'did a loop' past me, I tried to grab his arm (gently) and ask him to stop running around, but this had no effect. His 4 year old sister then joined in and started running around too. It looks like I can't control them 😕.

When I finally got my prescriptions, I explained to the lady behind me and the lady at the till that my son has SN and finds it hard to keep still and they were lovely about it and commented on how hard it must be and I am doing my best.

How do I handle the comments and the tutting in the future? I feel like a crap parent and it's hard enough trying to cope with my son's behaviours without comments from strangers 😬.

I grew up with a severely disabled sibling with brain damage, but it was more obvious that he had disabilities, due to the wheelchair and his making noises etc.

Thanks for reading!

And this.

I have no experience with ASD but a lot with ADHD (including a now-lapsed prescription and a diagnosis stretching back 30 years). Don't be too soft on your son. Six is still very young, but if he ONLY has ADHD then in a year or two you shouldn't be any more willing to tolerate this kind of behaviour (over a short time period, eg in a shop) than from any other child. Many children of that age would behave like this if they were given a free pass to do so. The big challenges with ADHD aren't usually to do with behaving 'well' for short periods of time, they're about maintaining the behaviour once salient cues disappear. Most people with ADHD find they can concentrate pretty well in a three-hour exam for example. A school project with a deadline a month away would be a different matter...

Shoving neurodivergent children and swearing at them does not magically "cure" their disability. Your mother sounds fucking delightful, as do you for your sneering insinuations about SEN and ADHD, I'd be making sure she was nowhere near my child after that.

Kids didn’t misbehave in the 60s and 70s 😆 what rubbish
honestly what I’d have done was left the counter and collected the children. Made them stand holding my hand and would have left if they wouldn’t. It’s ok to be considerate that he finds this difficult- extra praise, having distractions on you, a treat afterwards etc but I wouldn’t excuse the behaviour in front of him. He hasn’t even been diagnosed and you’re telling strangers he has ‘special needs’ within his earshot.

Tutters will tutt. Just literally ignore them. Or give a one line explanation or a sarcastic response, as you wish. The more you do it the easier it comes.

As a parent of an adhd kid, and adhd myself I am afraid your parenting skills sound poor. It is never acceptable for kids to run around in shops or restaurants etc. I’m not old and I would have been tutting. If your kid had run in to someone old and vulnerable and knocked them flying, is that ok as they’ve got adhd? No it isn’t. Don’t allow a label for your child to be an excuse for socially unacceptable behaviour. Parenting of special needs kids is extra hard work. Have a plan, strategies and distractions up your sleeve. If you keep using adhd as an excuse for everything, you are creating a rod for your own back and problems further down the line.

ADHD or not your DC should not be running around in a shop, it’s dangerous for them and for others. You should have taken them out if they could not stand with you. Why did you allow your other DC to join in?

I think as hard as it is you need to help him find alternative strategies for when he needs to move in circumstances like that.

ds is nearly 13 now and when we are out and he needs to stim if there isn’t a safe space for him to do his own thing he holds both of my hands and bounces so he safely gets that’s movement he needs without it being dangerous to him or others.

im not for a second saying it’s easy but I would look at helping him find other strategies, and not let his sister copy because then it becomes a game.

My son has asd. I try to avoid things he can't do (like queuing for a long time) and do them Whe he's at school where possible. In that situation if we had to do it I would give him a distraction usually a phone works ok or if appropriate get him jumping up and down on the spot and timing him . Or eating. Whilst your son can't help his behaviour it's your responsibility to manage his environment. You can also work on his tolerance for queuing/waiting at home by starting small (like a few seconds) and lots of reward then slowly build up, ask school to support too. Then when he's ready practise out of the house.

You also need to learn to ignore people. They don't know you, your child or your situation. And there is unfortunately a lot of judgemental people out there who either have no understanding of Sen or know one Sen kid so think they know them all.

Firstly, to all the posters eyerolling and saying "what child doesn't have SEN these days?!' etc etc - just fuck off. It's incredibly difficult to get a diagnosis and our children face unbelievable prejudice because of nasty, judgemental attitudes like this. The estimate is around one in six people are autistic - it's a significant chunk but still a substantial minority.

The reason you never heard about so many cases of autism in the 1960s, 70s etc is because the diagnosis process was very poor and not much was known about neurodiversity and how it presents in different ways. Those "naughty" kids at school - and there were certainly plenty of those around in the 60s and 70s - could well have been autistic/ADHD etc. Those who were the most severely affected would probably have gone on to be locked away as adults.

By the way, "more discipline" isn't a magic solution for ADHD when the child is in sensory overload. If a child suddenly behaved after being told off, then they weren't displaying ADHD traits, but general "naughtiness" or over exuberance. You can't just switch ADHD overload off because Auntie Janet got a bit cross. If anything, the anxiety over being told off is likely to send the behaviours into overdrive. ADHD kids can still misbehave sometimes for reasons unrelated to their ADHD, just like any other child.

Secondly, unfortunately OP I agree with PP. If your child is running around in the shop and especially if their NT sibling is joining in, you need to leave the shop. That behaviour isn't fair on others, especially those who might have their own disabilities or vulnerabilities. I know it's shit, especially as your child may not be able to control their behaviour - contrary to what some people on this thread seem to think. But you need to plan in advance and have distraction techniques on hand - what have you tried? Would he watch your phone while you queued, even if you held it and he stood and watched it? Fiddle toys? Ear defenders? Games that he can do while standing (I-Spy or similar but themed to any special interest. For example, if he's into Pokemon - "without moving your feet, can you see anything that's the same colour as Pikachu?")

There are times when other people just have to suck it up, or when something unexpected happens and it takes a while to fix it (I've been in situations in shops where DS had a total meltdown and climbed into the display stand to lie down and hide because he was overwhelmed - I had to crawl in on my knees and pull him out backwards!) Sometimes shit happens and in that moment, all you can do is focus on your child to try and deal with the situation. But your DS and your DD legging it round the shop, around other customers, isn't an emergency situation, nor is it something that others have to suck up. I think, unfortunately, this one is on you. I've left shops before because DS and DD weren't able to behave in a way that was appropriate - not necessarily their fault, but sometimes you have to recognise that you need to remove yourselves from the setting.

For context, I have twins who are both autistic/ADHD/dyspraxia etc. DS has very high care needs. I'm also autistic myself and have ADHD too. I'm 47 and was only diagnosed after my DC were diagnosed. So for all the PP being rude about how it "never used to be like this with loads of autistic kids", I was one of the kids at school in the 70s who were never picked up but after a lifetime of struggling, it's all fallen into place. I wish I'd known before - would have helped me so, so much.

I’d recommend reading (you can get it on audio too) Noel Janis Norton’s calmer easier happier parenting.
we used her methods and found ‘think through’s’ really worked brilliantly for our 2 sons. You discuss with your child a situation and get them to tell you what behaviour would be expected in a given situation, and what the consequences of the undesirable behaviour, should they do it, might be. The theory is they register much better as they are thinking through and verbalising themselves rather being told (or lectured, often repeatedly and ineffectively as we were doing before)
we used this a lot over the years even up to their teenage years (accompanied then by eye rolls, but it still worked!!)
good luck, and yes, it is hard…

Oh, I forgot to say, don't take any notice of others tutting or else you'll spend a lifetime tying yourself in knots.

Ignore them.

Your DS is neurodiverse, and you don't owe strangers an explanation. It's not fair to your DS, and as he gets older, if he overhears you apologising or "blaming" his ADHD/neurodiversity, it will really affect his self-esteem. Yes, coping strategies need to be learned but your DS isn't going to change and you need to love and accept him as he is. Don't make excuses to strangers or apologise for "how he is". Yes it's difficult parenting a child with SEN at times but it's a bit shit to use your child to garner sympathy for how hard you have it. That's not fair on your child, and it's better to nip that habit in the bud now because again, that will REALLY affect how they view themselves as they grow up.

I don't pay any attention to strangers - if I don't think my DS is coping in a particular environment, we'll leave. That's based on my assessment of him, not what strangers think.

I'm sorry for the bluntness of this post, I'm tired and I can't think how to word it better. I used to apologise to strangers for my DC but then I heard someone explain it this way and I realised that they were right. My DC are lovely and I don't owe anyone an explanation just because they may behave/speak differently to what society expects.

ADHD is an explanation, not an excuse, for behaviour. Being diagnosed with ADHD tells you that your son may need additional reminders/support/strategies to help him to behave appropriately in a pharmacy.

It does not mean that he should be allowed to noisily run around a shop known for being frequented by ill or infirm people.

But you can't just ignore it and simply blame everybody else for being ignorant.

I arranged to meet my mother in the refectory of a well-known art gallery. As I sat down there was a child, possibly ADHD maybe something else, who was creating absolute mayhem. That quickly cleared the refectory. Seemingly oblivious to all this the parent/carer did her best to ignore the chaos around her. At that point my mother turned up with tables and chairs all over the place, kid screeching and parent/carer getting really shitty when being asked to leave.

They actually closed the refectory while they cleared all the food off the floors and put all the furniture back. Meanwhile, my mother and I retreated to the nearest pub and put the words to right.

My daughter has ASD & ADHD. I always carry a sunflower lanyard in my bag and if she's struggling she puts it on (or I put it on or tie it to my handbag) Awareness of hidden disabilities has increased since covid and it does help with the stares. Like you I try not to take her with me when I have to go to the shops or queue but sometimes it's inevitable. She tries to run off in supermarkets and is fast! Distraction is key, I have a bag with sticker books, fidget toys etc but sometimes you just have to brave it and ignore people. As other have said a commentary to your child 'I know it's difficult/you are struggling, we will e as quick as we can" also brings some level of awareness. There will always be some ignorance (as is shown by some of tbe comments on this thread 🙄)

Massive sympathies OP. My son has ADHD and ASD. He’s a handful, especially when he was smaller, I chased him round many a shop to try and stop him running etc and got equal amounts understanding and judgey looks.

On the other side of it, both of my parents are frail despite only being in their early 70s- just unlucky with their health. 2 kids charging around a small shop for any reason would freak them out as they’d be terrified of being knocked down or even bumped in to.

The SN is a red herring given your NT child was also misbehaving. You sound very passive I'm afraid. The ladies who were tutting were probably irritated by your refusal or inability to do anything, and/or worried and in pain and concerned about two out of control children crashing into them.

Unsure why you didn't hold his hand. And your DD's for that matter.
When my 9 year old Autistic GS behaves like this my DD firmly holds his hand even though he finds it rather embarrassing . She reminds him that her job is to keep him safe and if he needs help due to his impulsivity she'll act accordingly. ( obviously put in child friendly terms!) She'll very quickly let go once he's calmer and he's usually fine ( if not she'll hold his hand again)
Neurodiverse or not all children need to feel safe. Your son sounds as if he wasn't in control of himself and your job as a parent is to ensure his safety

I feel for you. I'm the person with adhd and ASD.

But. I also have physical disabilities. If I'm having a good day I don't always have my crutches. And I would be terrified of being knocked over. I wouldn't ever say anything but my anxiety would spike and I'd be watching your son all the time to make sure that I knew where he was and if he or his sister were likely to run into me.

If I fall it would be a catastrophe for me. It is my worst fear.

I would be watching him not to judge you in the slightest but to try to work out what I could do to keep myself safe.

Don't make excuses to strangers or apologise for "how he is".

Umm, if he is running around a shop which can be disconcerting and worrying, never mind a pharmacy where old dears are going to collect their prescription then maybe have some consideration for other people. In other words perhaps an explanation is needed, as is a firm hold on your child's hand. At least take him out of the shop not sitting back feeling sorry for yourself at how awful the world is for tutting while your two children run riot and disturb everyone else. Sorry but a diagnosis isn't an excuse to disrupt everyone else.

My son has ADHD and ASD. He’s a handful, especially when he was smaller, I chased him round many a shop to try and stop him running etc and got equal amounts understanding and judgey looks.

The difference is you chased your son and recognised this wasn't acceptable behaviour. Op seems to think the tutting elderly frail people are the inconsiderate ones...

2 children running around does seem to an outsider as though you have no parental control, especially if you " gently" try and fail to stop them. I'm sure you make judgements too, no ones perfect. All you concentrate on is you and knowing you're doing they best for your kids, what does a stranger's opinion matter?

You’ve had lots of good advice on this thread and I can only imagine how tricky it is to parent a ND child. However, your description of what happened makes you sound very passive in the situation so hopefully you will take some of the pointers on board and find what works best to try and actively avoid or reduce the risks he faces (and causes) when in shops. FWIW, my friend’s DS wears a cap (and sometimes sunglasses) when shopping and am told this helps reduce the stimulating effect of lighting.

True. I didn’t want him to get hurt or anyone else. He also had a McClaren major buggy up until he was 6 because he couldn’t be trusted near busy roads which was terrifying. Truth be told, his behaviour has only improved when my way of dealing with it all got better and I learnt to be more prepared. He’s a joy to take out places now- as long as we respect when he’s had enough and wants to go home to decompress.

Sorry, special needs or no I can't see why you couldn't have held each child very firmly by the lower arm/wrist to physically stop them running. Much like you would if they were going to dash off into the road.

Sometimes if your children's impulses to do something silly and dangerous, you need to physically stop them. That's why people were tutting - unless your child is too physically large /strong for you to restrain them, eg 10+, special needs don't come into it you just physically stop them.
I hate when people use special needs as an excuse, a child having a tantrum sure, you can't physically prevent them doing that so I understand, but a child running a round a shop, you simply hold them. Firmly. Yes they might yell and it might be a bit embarrassing but nobody is getting knocked over and I think you'll find other service users will then recognise you are at least in charge.