Older ladies tutting at my son with ADHD

[Usernamqwerty]

My just-turned six year old DS is under investigation for ADHD (if he doesn't have it, I'll eat my hat...). School are fully in agreement. He's hyper, impulsive, interrupts me all the time, doesn't focus etc.

Well, among other things, he just doesn't keep still. Loves running around. I was in Boots today picking up a prescription and had to stand at the till until the lady had sorted all the bits. My son started running around and around the store (quite a small one) and there was a little queue and two older ladies started looking at him, muttering to each other and tutting at me and saying "excuse me" loudly to me. I apologised and explained my son has SN and finds it hard to keep still. I couldn't go after him because I had to wait there. Every time he 'did a loop' past me, I tried to grab his arm (gently) and ask him to stop running around, but this had no effect. His 4 year old sister then joined in and started running around too. It looks like I can't control them 😕.

When I finally got my prescriptions, I explained to the lady behind me and the lady at the till that my son has SN and finds it hard to keep still and they were lovely about it and commented on how hard it must be and I am doing my best.

How do I handle the comments and the tutting in the future? I feel like a crap parent and it's hard enough trying to cope with my son's behaviours without comments from strangers 😬.

I grew up with a severely disabled sibling with brain damage, but it was more obvious that he had disabilities, due to the wheelchair and his making noises etc.

Thanks for reading!

It is not incredibly difficult to get a diagnosis. It's literally self reported through a questionnaire with a nurse practitioner, who hands over medication.
You just need to say 'yes' to questions like, "Does he have trouble following instructions?" and "does he often not complete tasks fully?"

Really? DS is on a waiting list for assessment. The wait is 26 months. To get on that waiting list the school (in our case) had to agree the referral was necessary and do all the paperwork, and after it was accepted we had to complete a 108 question form going into detail about the pregnancy and birth, family history of neurodiversity and DS entire life, I had to take a day off work to complete it properly.

21 months to go, until assessment.

Luckily the school were supportive. If they hadn't been we'd have had a fight on our hands.

If I see children running around I bare in mind the fact that they may be ND, however it really does depend on what the situation is vs the reaction. I was stood in a small pharmacy waiting for a prescription. Little boy was haring around, his mum didn’t say a word. He subsequently bashed into me, knocked my arm which was why I was in the queue. I hadn’t slept properly for 3 days, having had excruciating pain which wouldn’t allow me to lie down. I’m under investigation because it could be neck, shoulder or other. The pain was like lightening, I made a noise trying not to cry and the mum had a right go at me about how her son has Autism and I clearly didn’t have a clue how hard she was finding it. I was in agony and she didn’t even ask if I was ok, so I can see how people might get irritated if they are worried. It doesn’t mean people can be rude to the OP however.

Thank you for all your support and suggestions. Greatly appreciated and things I can try in the future.

We've got a private assessment arranged for next August which is the earliest we could get it. NHS waitlist is about 2 years around here.

Even if OP’s DS doesn’t qualify via wheelchair services there are many charities that can fund or part fund disability pushchairs. If a disability pushchair is necessary an appropriate assessment will ensure the correct straps/restraints are used so that a pushchair can be used safely.

My son had a disability pushchair. It is difficult to restrain a child in one who is able to unfasten themselves. You would need a crelling harness or similar. It is not a route I would choose for a 6 year old with adhd.

Yup. The straps we had included a massive soft belt that went from just above his pelvic bone to about an inch below his chest. It fastened at the back with Velcro and clips. He was very adept at opening clips on the normal buggy restraints. The normal waist strap could only be undone with slotting something into a hole.

When walking we used a wrist strap either attached to his back pack or my bit was used on his wrist otherwise he would undo the Velcro designed for the child’s bit.

Given a chance he would bolt and having no sense of danger leaving him free wasn’t an option. Freedom took a lot of bloody hard, starting from when he could walk and escape his regular pushchair.

A reward chart and now and next cards also helped. Sometimes I would use the later ones especially if there needed to be a sudden change in his very rigid routine.

Wasn’t fool proof, The Definacy in adhd wasn’t added for bants afterall lol. There were days that I’d still have to give him fireman lifts to get us to a safe space. But the more I was consistent in handling him the more his behaviour improved.

Its draining @Usernamqwerty but if you aren’t already start keeping a diary about his day. It will help to highlight triggers. For us places like boots where a no go because of sensory overload - the lights, the smell and too many people in small places. Will also make life a bit easier when you finally

start the assessment and eventually the ehcp

It is not incredibly difficult to get a diagnosis. It's literally self reported through a questionnaire with a nurse practitioner, who hands over medication.

You just need to say 'yes' to questions like, "Does he have trouble following instructions?" and "does he often not complete tasks fully?"

Try again. A 'tick box' questionnaire is usually just a screening tool to see if you meet the minimum criteria for an assessment. You need detailed reports from schools, statements from teachers and family, all listing in depth examples dating back to childhood (I say this for me getting diagnosed as an adult) and really have to 'prove' that you've got it.

Add to that a wait list of 2 years minimum, people are hardly motivated to just get a diagnosis 'for fun'

I have a 13 year old in a disability pushchair because he prefers it to the wheelchair, I know it’s not easy, nothing about caring for a disabled DC is, but there are straps/restraints that can prevent them from escaping. Your choice not to use them, but they are there and can make life easier and safer.

I would say rather loudly and sarcastically “if my sons additional needs offend you then please be offended quietly, I would expect that kind of remark from a child, not an adult”.

I have ADHD so I know first hand how it feels and how it must feel for a parent but your doing a great job xx

No, that’s not how you get a diagnosis. That’s how you start but you absolutely don’t get a diagnosis on the basis of a self reported questionnaire! That’s incredibly misleading and 100% wrong.

Unless you’re overseas - I’m not going to comment on procedures in other countries.

In the U.K. it requires confirmation and input from multi-disciplinary professionals including speech therapy, an educational psychologist, a report from the SENCO (for school age kids), and typically an agency such as ATS. There may also be ongoing assessments from the paediatrician. There has to be a consensus from the experts across the disciplines, and the school.

it takes months of collating evidence and other diagnoses have to be ruled out first, such as glue ear for example. You absolutely don’t rock up with a questionnaire and get a diagnosis. Not anywhere in the U.K. I used to run a nationwide group for SEN parents and I know the same challenges in gathering evidence from sufficient professionals- and also being believed - is the same everywhere. Each county manages the process slightly differently but many parents struggle to get a diagnosis because of how stringent assessment is.

Suggesting that a diagnosis is simply handed out on the basis of a self reported questionnaire is damaging and perpetuates the absolute bollocks that most kids aren’t autistic/adhd but just naughty/poor parenting.

Theres a suggestion that in the future an mri scan might be able to diagnose autism, as the autistic brain is visibly different. I can’t wait for this day tbh as maybe then we can put to bed all the snarky comments and insinuations.

DS1 has no sense of danger either, especially when anxious and stressed, which is most of the time when in public. The SN buggy is essential to leaving the house.

Sorry if I’ve misunderstood your post but the D’s in ADHD stand for deficit and disorder.

It's nothing to do with bring "offended'. What if the OPs child/ren knocked someone over? Would that be ok?

And tutting is effective because???

Would you say that if he knocked someone over and they ended up in hospital?

it he ran into a display and broke things?

if he slipped and hurt himself?

adhd or not there have to be limits to what is allowed and running around a shop will never be acceptable or safe.

OP, it doesn’t look like you can’t control them, you can’t control them!

No judgment here re that as I can imagine your daughter sees him and does the same, NT or not.

But you need to leave the shop right away when he does this. Other people don’t have to be subjected to this - irrespective of the reasons.

He:they could seriously hurt someone…does his SEN status make that ok too?

You're right actually. If OP had just said 'two people were 'tutting'' I would absolutely have guessed those people would be older.

Young people just don't tut. It's a passive aggressive habit that I'm so glad is falling out of favour.

And I'm not young myself. I'm definitely in the tutting demographic 😂

Agree. I would be absolutely irritated as well. Op needs to keep him on a harness. It's not acceptable to explain your reasons and just stand there and let this go on. He could have injured someone or knocked into a stand and damaged items. And there were 2 of them running around as well. she could have asked the person behind her to keep her place while she grabbed both of them and firmly held on to him till she was done.

My dd is autistic, sometimes you feel judged and people stare but I was also very aware not to allow my dd to cause upset or issues to others. Sn isn't an excuse for bad behaviour - adhd or not he can be firmly told to wait with you in the queue not running around a small shop (you wouldn't have allowed him to run around a larger shop afterall)

It's a balancing act, it's hard at times when kids with or without sn won't comply yet other people shouldn't have to risk being run into for instance (and some may still be concerned about covid). I've had some nightmare meltdown situations, but for the most time bribery works, dd liked money so earned coins for being good. Every child is different, but find your way of getting him to wait in line.

It's hard, but with perseverance you get there

Btw I was given advise from DD's specialist at age 2.5 that I needed to have high expectations of her because nobody else would. As a non verbal autistic child things were pretty difficult but I stuck to my hubs and treated her as if she understood etc - turns out she did and at 4 she acquired speech, I've never settled for "dh's can't do it because" we found a way. She was in a buggy until 5 because she ran away, I used a wrist strap until much older for safety.

She's an adult now, she's not always ok, mental health issues mostly but she's learned to adapt to this world she was born into. We can't expect others to change. In fact she would be very upset by a child running about to the point we would probably have to leave, we avoid noisy busy places

The problem is you didn't try to manage the situation at all.

Anyone seeing a child have a meltdown doesn't bother most parents as we've all had a tantruming toddler at some point. We get it.

Anyone seeing a kid running around with a parent trying to deal with it gets sympathy. Its happened to most parents at some point. We get it.

Anyone seeing a kid (or two) running around, possibly endangering others or who could smash the shop up, with the parent doing nothing...well, what do you think is an appropriate response?

You cannot control either of your children. WHO stands there in a queue and lets 2 kids run riot around the shop where there are old people standing. Christ Almighty, have some savvy woman. Rolling out the ADHD card to excuse it is not on. There are so many posters here who have kids who have SEN and they would not allow this. A meltdown is different and cannot be avoided but what you allowed is just poor parenting. Imagine your child has bulldosed into some old lady and she fell and broke her hip? Your child's behaviour, when you can stop it, should NEVER be a danger to anyone, who take your kids and you leave the shop. Simple.

I imagine it’s more a case that they didn’t anticipate that going to a pharmacy meant risking being injured by two kids colliding into them. It’s not, in fact, an unreasonable complaint.

As difficult as it may be for OP, she needs to find a way to prevent this behaviour. For her son’s sake, as well as for the sake of others around him.

It's not about being offended but a safety issue.
If you said that to me after your DC had been running around you would get it back in spades.
I have severe pain and balance issues.
The ND is a bit of a red herring here.

No children should be allowed to run around in a confined space where they or others could be hurt.
Running is for appropriate places.

The thing is, it isn’t just a case of banging into someone and they’re fine, or at most pissed off, it could have serious repercussions to a life altering or even life ending degree. Especially for older people whose bones will be more brittle. Even for younger healthier people, head injuries can prove fatal. The fact that any injury would be inflicted by a ND child doesn’t make the consequences any less potentially devastating.