Older ladies tutting at my son with ADHD

[Usernamqwerty]

My just-turned six year old DS is under investigation for ADHD (if he doesn't have it, I'll eat my hat...). School are fully in agreement. He's hyper, impulsive, interrupts me all the time, doesn't focus etc.

Well, among other things, he just doesn't keep still. Loves running around. I was in Boots today picking up a prescription and had to stand at the till until the lady had sorted all the bits. My son started running around and around the store (quite a small one) and there was a little queue and two older ladies started looking at him, muttering to each other and tutting at me and saying "excuse me" loudly to me. I apologised and explained my son has SN and finds it hard to keep still. I couldn't go after him because I had to wait there. Every time he 'did a loop' past me, I tried to grab his arm (gently) and ask him to stop running around, but this had no effect. His 4 year old sister then joined in and started running around too. It looks like I can't control them 😕.

When I finally got my prescriptions, I explained to the lady behind me and the lady at the till that my son has SN and finds it hard to keep still and they were lovely about it and commented on how hard it must be and I am doing my best.

How do I handle the comments and the tutting in the future? I feel like a crap parent and it's hard enough trying to cope with my son's behaviours without comments from strangers 😬.

I grew up with a severely disabled sibling with brain damage, but it was more obvious that he had disabilities, due to the wheelchair and his making noises etc.

Thanks for reading!

OP didn't ask about whether her DC had a right to run around or whether it was okay for him to do so. She said she's doing her best and is still learning how to manage his behaviour.

What she specifically asked was how to deal with people tutting and making comments so posts judging her parenting are irrelevant.

This was one of the other reasons why my sn child had consequences and a chat about acceptable behaviour. It wasn’t fair for just my nt dc’s to face consequences and a chat. It would have led to resentment- seen it with my mates growing up.

It also helped in teaching the older one acceptable behaviour.

There were times when he hit hormones that he regressed into a toddler. Would have been catastrophic having a 6 foot teen running rampage.

Oh and I’m only in my 40’s. Getting knocked off my feet has my mobility incredibly impaired.

I also tut at prolonged screaming that manages to go through my noise cancelling earphones due to sensory issues.

I try to redirect into other activities that cross the midline or involve heavy work, eg finger games or "weightlifting" shopping bags. We have a book of OT exercises for ideas. DS wears a fitbit so I'll give him a step target to do on the spot, that kind of thing. A heavy rucksack is really helpful, as is wearing him out with a walk before expecting him to "sit nicely" etc. Word games as they get older, as PPs have said, endless (probably annoying) conversation about their favourite subject.

Of course it doesn't always work and sometimes you just get Judgy McJudgy, but as they get older you do build up a repertoire of strategies that help. People tend to be more understanding when they think you are giving it a good go. It's not really about discipline, it's about finding other ways to meet DCs' needs, but the odd "teacher voice" is still helpful to ensure the message gets through.

I see this where I work. Kids running around are hazards.

One with SN is understandable but when other kids join in it becomes unsafe.

My reading of a lot of the comments that show the other perspective is that in addition to having a thicker skin, one of the answers might be to be more understanding of the reasons why people might tut and make comments …

You just didn't see this in the 60's and 70's, I'm 60 and I don't remember seeing any children behaving like this then. They were soon taken out or pulled into line.
Now every other child has ADHD or autism, you can't blame them for being confused.
i certainly do have plenty to say if a parent lets their child behave like that near me because I have osteoporosis and could easily break something if I fall. Out of control children for any reason make me really nervous and/or men wandering blindly about and not watching where they are going.
I was knocked for 6 a few weeks ago after a man not watching where he was going crashed into me.

That's fine and it does help with the larger picture. I was referring more to the people who are posting purely to stick the boot in, comparing children with SN to dogs, etc.

OP, his diagnosis report will probably help too when it arrives as it should give information on his particular profile and make recommendations in how best to support him as an individual. This can really help inform your parenting on how to manage him in public places and give you a starting point on techniques to try.

You'll all get there OP, it's a learning curve. As I posted upthread, you could have been describing my now 9 year old. After much (so much!) practice, regularly just picking up and leaving stores/restaurants when she couldn't cope/behave/stay still, at least dozen OT sessions, and the introduction of 1 to 2 hours of daily intense sport/dance/ gymnastics sessions, we have a child who can mostly regulate herself and is almost always a delight to shop with. You'll get there, just keep swimming 😊.

You just didn't see this in the 60's and 70's, I'm 60 and I don't remember seeing any children behaving like this then. They were soon taken out or pulled into line. Now every other child has ADHD or autism, you can't blame them for being confused.

These children existed but you didn't see rhem because they were either severe enough that they were institutionalised, they were left at home with a parent/neighbour/older sibling, or became adept at masking due to being "pulled into line" (aka, smacked).

Invisibility does not equate to non-existence.

Classic 😆

Children behaved in the 60s and 70s . Because they were bloody terrified!
they were worried about going to hell or getting beaten . They were still hitting children in schools then. So I’d imagine an adhd / autistic child would learn to mask pretty quick under those conditions but the trouble with that is they end up nervous , mentally Unwell adults are a lot of them are probably in prison.
there’s a difference between compliance and learning to behave and at the age of 4/5 it’s pretty tough as they’re too big to throw in a buggy and you’re still learning techniques to allow them to walk around with you. I’m sure OP will crack it soon enough! Mine still has to go in a buggy at times with ear defenders and a tablet . At others he’s the perfect little gentleman - it’s a very tricky age indeed for ND children .

I have ADHD as does my daughter. If I hadn't been able to stop her running around, we'd have left the shop. As someone who is hypersensitive to stimulation of this sort, I would struggle to tolerate a child running around a small shop. I do sympathise, but your son's special needs don't trump the special needs of others. Society's expectations are hard and impossible for some, but they are there for a reason, if our children can't see that, we need to think and act creatively - or suck up the judgement - or a bit of both according to the situation.

You grow a thick skin

This reminded me of the time one of mine escaped my grasp in a shop , grabbed a pint of milk and was running round with it shouting baby milk! Baby milk ! 🤷‍♀️

It's really difficult to catch them as well with all the lanes 😕

I found a sunflower lanyard helps. Not that he should have to wear one but people are kinder when my sons wearing his. My sons on medication now and is a different child. He came in multiple shops earlier and was calm and stood still next to me without shouting out, it's just crazy.

My DS has ASC and ADHD. I have a bag of snacks and fidget toys and chew toys on me all the time, and I dish them out when I need him to be calm and settled for short periods.

People are going to stare. You just have to suck it up really.

I grew up in the 70s and sorry this kids running around and generally misbehaving was not a thing! Nowadays every kid who is behaving badly is suddenly SEN.My cousins kid supposedly has ADHD and very other sensory issue going, she pussy foots around him and makes excuses when he is behaving like a little swine. Funnily enough when he banged into my mother and she grabbed him by the collar, shoved him on the settee and told him to not bloody move, he sat the fuck down and shut his face. Weirdly my mum is now his hero and he looks at her in complete awe because she is the first person who has stood up to him probably.

Great post.

Oh here we go, we'll yeah there was definitely kids with adhd and asd in the 60s and 70s

Family didn't always take them out in public back then though as people were bigger dicks towards kids with sn then than they are now

I think the red herring here is that it’s not just about SEN - you can’t control the younger, NT child and stop her from running around either. You can’t have kids running around in confined spaces with vulnerable people, I’m afraid. Your son having SN and his sister wanting to run too doesn’t trump other people’s right not to be injured.

In terms of practical tips, it’s frustrating but you have to remove yourself from the situation until you’ve brought the kids under control. Prescription etc will have to wait.

If you’re not prepared to do that then you’ll have to learn to endure staring and tutting without complaint as honestly they’re not wrong to do it.

oh lord the ‘autism is not real’ crew have turned up 🙄

Some of these posts are horrific. OP, you had some great advice early on in the thread but please ignore some of the later posts as they really haven’t got a clue. If only the parents of DC with ASD, ADHD etc didn’t send them to nursery, didn’t let them use an iPad and were stricter, their disabilities would disappear. Who knew!?

I think the red herring here is that it’s not just about SEN - you can’t control the younger, NT child and stop her from running around either

THIS /\

The girl began charging about, too. So say NT.
In a small shop..No wonder people were annoyed.

Thank goodness someone else is saying it. SEN or not, they should not be running around a store. Even with ADHD they can be taught not to run around the store, it's called discipline.