Older ladies tutting at my son with ADHD

[Usernamqwerty]

My just-turned six year old DS is under investigation for ADHD (if he doesn't have it, I'll eat my hat...). School are fully in agreement. He's hyper, impulsive, interrupts me all the time, doesn't focus etc.

Well, among other things, he just doesn't keep still. Loves running around. I was in Boots today picking up a prescription and had to stand at the till until the lady had sorted all the bits. My son started running around and around the store (quite a small one) and there was a little queue and two older ladies started looking at him, muttering to each other and tutting at me and saying "excuse me" loudly to me. I apologised and explained my son has SN and finds it hard to keep still. I couldn't go after him because I had to wait there. Every time he 'did a loop' past me, I tried to grab his arm (gently) and ask him to stop running around, but this had no effect. His 4 year old sister then joined in and started running around too. It looks like I can't control them 😕.

When I finally got my prescriptions, I explained to the lady behind me and the lady at the till that my son has SN and finds it hard to keep still and they were lovely about it and commented on how hard it must be and I am doing my best.

How do I handle the comments and the tutting in the future? I feel like a crap parent and it's hard enough trying to cope with my son's behaviours without comments from strangers 😬.

I grew up with a severely disabled sibling with brain damage, but it was more obvious that he had disabilities, due to the wheelchair and his making noises etc.

Thanks for reading!

Absolutely, parents of SEN kids are likely to head online if there is nobody in RL to seek advice from. Autism is diagnosed in about 1 in 65 kids (I think) so you’d expect to find 1 diagnosed autistic child in every 2 classes of children... really not ‘every other child’ at all.

For anyone who believes ADHD disagnosis is “just a few questions with a nurse” www.nice.org.uk/guidance/ng87/chapter/Recommendations#recognition-identification-and-referral

It is not incredibly difficult to get a diagnosis. It's literally self reported through a questionnaire with a nurse practitioner, who hands over medication.

You just need to say 'yes' to questions like, "Does he have trouble following instructions?" and "does he often not complete tasks fully?"

Really?
When did that start to be the procedure?

It took over 2 years, countless appointments and assessments by different professionals before either of mine had a formal diagnosis and neither of them could speak and one of them made his own smelly play-doh on a regular basis.

A single vague questionnaire and immediate medication indeed. 🙄

In my experience, it's exactly as I described.

Referral to mental health team from GP (having messaged online instead of face to face appt), and an hour's meeting with ANP to complete a questionnaire to determine diagnosis.

Waited for a prescription to be signed and started meds the next morning. Will go back for a check after a month.

Generally people become a lot more tolerant of “Bad behaviour “ as they perceive it to be ( Running riot in a shop, running across tables in a café) IF the parent or minder is actively taking steps to parent the child.

Too often the parent/ minder us on their phone, or just not giving their wild child any attention whatsoever.

People don’t care what “ Diagnosis “ a child has, they just don’t want to be hurt by kids running into them.
When one sees parent making an effort, people become a lot more sympathetic, generally.

To be fair, there was a wait from being referred, of about seven months, until the appointment. I completely expected to see a psychologist and have multiple steps from what I had read, and reports from other areas.

Genuinely, the only challenging part as an adult was the checking this hadn't come on recently, but was present in childhood, or else unlikely to be ADHD. That involved digging out school reports and considering examples from the past, but as I said, no examples were requested. It was acceptable to say, 'yeah, always late for school' and 'yeah, still turn up late for meetings thinking I can somehow make them after leaving after the start time'.

It's dangerous to let him run around. Or don't you agree?

It's not a matter of people being inconvenienced.

Boots is one of the few stores where my elderly MIL would go and she would be extremely nervous if two kids were running around. My Mum gets out more but still has to be careful not to fall , she doesn't see well and has balance problems.

Imagine how you would feel if you kid actually knocked someone or something down. I think you have to find a solution to this. I don't know what but you can't let two kids run around a store.

I don't know if you work or not but do you have time to collect the prescriptions up at a time when he is at school.
Do you have a partner or a friend who could collect the, for you
Can you use one of the free delivery companies like Lloyds
Do you have any spare cash to pay for a babysitter

There's no need to bother with that! You can get a diagnoses from a short OP on Mumsnet

You see it all the time. It's really annoying.

That is not at all my experience with the diagnosis pathway for ASD.

Twelve month wait from referral to first appointment.

First appointment was a discussion of concerns, some yes/no questions, and then consideration of whether this met the benchmark for assessment.

Second appointment was a development and health check with a paediatrician to rule out other causes as well as referral for a blood test to look at genetic issues and rule some things out.

Third appointment was blood test.

Fourth appointment was an OT assessment.

Fifth appointment was a sensory assessment.

Sixth was more in-depth questions about infant-hood, early childhood development, and development now.

Seventh and eighth appointments were both observations at school.

Ninth appointment was a session with a paediatric psychiatrist.

Tenth was a physiotherapy assessment and a group OT session to look at peer interaction.

We then had a long wait while this was all taken to panel. The panel said there were concerns but not enough for a diagnosis. We asked for a second opinion so had to wait a further six months for an appointment with a second opinion service. The second opinion service reviewed the notes, said that there was more than enough evidence to support a diagnosis (and raised professional concerns via internal channels that one was not made), repeated the assessments over a period of three full day appointments (literally at the clinic 9am to 6pm three days in a row) to be sure about it, did a full day school assessment, and then made the diagnosis.

DC2 was "fast-tracked" due sibling already having a diagnosis. I was accused of FII, I was told they have anxiety due to me working, I was encouraged to give up my job in order to prove my commitment to my child's needs. Shockingly none of this resolved the issues. Again went to the second opinion service who, again, found there was enough evidence for a diagnosis and, again, raised professional concerns that one was not made. DC diagnosed shortly after. I ended up receiving a verbal and a written apology from the head of CAMHS due to the mishandling of our case, including DC file being inexplicably "lost" for three months.

Very true, I find from experience that parents of kids who truly do have ADHD or SEN will do all they possibly can to mitigate the behaviour, people like the OP who use it as an excuse (her own words, he can't help it, he can, the training/coping strategies may need more detail/work, but he can help it) basically shrug their shoulders like, 'oh well, he can't help it'. They are the ones I question the diagnosis of. The OP seems very nonchalant and passive as if she has a ready-made excuse and doesn't need to actively parent. It's made worse that she can't even control her NT daughter and let her run around the shop. She just has an inability to parent in this case. And is using her other child's ND as an excuse to not parent her children. These are the people who make you doubt the validity. They usually are incredibly selfish and don't care how the behaviour affects anyone else. I doubt the OP had ever stopped to think of elderly people before this thread. They just don't have the ability to think of anyone else but themselves. If they had ran into an elderly relative of mine, I would personally sue them for everything they have and bankrupt them, if more people did that, parents would learn to parent again.

In the nicest possible way perhaps instead of handling the comments and tutting you should find a better strategy to handle your children.
Running around a shop is pretty antisocial behaviour and potentially dangerous. My Mum who is probably younger than the ladies you mention has brittle bones, a child running into her could break a bone.
The people who were understanding when you explained would likely have been just as understanding of when he first ran off you had said something like "so sorry I have to go and get my son, I'll be back for the prescription shortly"
I do understand it's very difficult and draining, one of my children was always running off, trying to climb things and shouting and screaming.

This. Kids running around can collide with other people, injuring themselves and others. I’ve had a kid come running around a corner to collide face first with my trolley in a supermarket. I’ve seen another running around in a pub bring down a waiter carrying hot plates. It’s not just ‘annoying’ (although it is that as well), it’s dangerous.

whilst I’m not a fan of tutting over directly addressing someone, I can fully understand their dislike of it.

What medication have you been prescribed?

It sounds like a combination of factors are at play. Firstly, your son has ADHD, secondly, you have not yet learned techniques to manage his behaviour effectively, 3) your attitude - you very much gave the impression in your original post that it's a case of 'my kid has SEN, so can behave however he wants, people are unreasonable to expect me to parent them'.

I do agree-
At a café - restaurant there was a family sitting for well over an hour with a child who had lots of toys and colouring stuff to entertain her.

If an older child is wearing a chest harness, it shows the parent knows their child can be a “ Bolter” .

It’s laissez-faire parenting said with a 🤷‍♀️ shrug She has XYZ” that is used as a free pass not to take responsibility for the child in their care’s actions/behaviour.

A large child with “ Dyspraxia “ climbed on shelves at a small pharmacy, breaking them, sending bottles flying, and the mother did nothing at all to stop her, or to tidy the mess.

Just a grin, a shrug, and “ She has dyspraxia “

Shelves aren’t designed to take the weight of a child.

Probably would have tried to claim damages had kid hurt herself.

There is no need to put "dyspraxia" in quotation marks, implying its made up or thay she doesnt have a diagnosis. The parent excusing themselves from parenting does not mean the child doesn't have a recognised disability. Failing to meet the needs of a disabled child does them no favours, particularly when they start expressing those needs via undesirable behaviours, but that doesn't mean the parent has invented the diagnosis.

Extended release methylphenidate, after a few questions about tolerating stimulants.

OP,
What happens if you are next to a road? Or walking along the edge of a river or cliff side? Are you unable to do those things or do you have ways of managing.

I'd imagine the OP, like myself, would either avoid such circumstances of taking a child with SEN to the side of a bloody cliff. Or in the off chance I was held at gunpoint with my child at a cliff top, I'd probably have a wrist link or such likes. If you've not been in the situation of having a child with SEN, then don't come up with such stupid questions. As for roads, in my case my daughter will be in a pram, but other than that I'm not going to strap her into a pram for her entire life because of judgey small-minded idiots in shops.

@EmilyGilmoresSass
I'd imagine the OP, like myself, would either avoid such circumstances of taking a child with SEN to the side of a bloody cliff. Or in the off chance I was held at gunpoint with my child at a cliff top, I'd probably have a wrist link or such likes. If you've not been in the situation of having a child with SEN, then don't come up with such stupid questions. As for roads, in my case my daughter will be in a pram, but other than that I'm not going to strap her into a pram for her entire life because of judgey small-minded idiots in shops.

Don't be so rude. It's not a stupid question. The OPs lad is 6 so a pram might not be an option.

You seem to have missed all the comments about how dangerous some posters think it is to let two kids run around in a store?

Do you not agree that it could be dangerous to let two kids run around a store where there could be elderly people or people who are unsteady on their feet? If so, what would you do?

I was accused by a mum of staring the other day. Due to lack of sleep I perceived this as an unnecessary attack and that she was picking a fight, when actually I had been thinking about what would be supportive ( remembering how important a positive comment someone made to me 40 years ago when DD misbehaving) I reacted badly and lost my temper which was unacceptable. Later I was able to apologise , and she also did. Probably a better role model for the kids.

Would he benefit from a disability pushchair? They are made to fit older children.
Firstly solves the problem of not visibly having a disability, but more importantly it sounds like he could easily end up seriously injured without a way to restrain him, if he isn't able to listen or take on board that you're being serious then there's nothing to stop him running in front of a car, slipping into a pond or getting lost etc so I'd think he'd be eligible?

Hi OP, haven't rtft but I wanted to say that in my experience Boots are very poor at managing their prescription queue and I've had this issue (I think it may be the lights too).

Try a few independent chemists - find one near a park so you can drop the prescription in, go out for 10 mins then back in to collect it.

You need super thick skin, no point apologising for your child unless they’re being actively naughty. I don’t even bother to explain anymore, no one’s business why my DS is making explosion noises and flapping his hands around his head. It keeps him calm and like hell will I apologise for it or make him feel like it’s anything to be embarrassed or ashamed of.

HOPE are brilliant if you have them in your area though, they run workshops for helping you to understand and manage your child’s behaviour (including how to redirect some of the more extreme issues that cause a lot of tutting and shitty comments).

"Would he benefit from a disability pushchair? They are made to fit older children."

Disability pushchairs do not work well as restraints for older children who don't want to be in them. The OP is very unlikely to qualify for one through the NHS.