Older ladies tutting at my son with ADHD

[Usernamqwerty]

My just-turned six year old DS is under investigation for ADHD (if he doesn't have it, I'll eat my hat...). School are fully in agreement. He's hyper, impulsive, interrupts me all the time, doesn't focus etc.

Well, among other things, he just doesn't keep still. Loves running around. I was in Boots today picking up a prescription and had to stand at the till until the lady had sorted all the bits. My son started running around and around the store (quite a small one) and there was a little queue and two older ladies started looking at him, muttering to each other and tutting at me and saying "excuse me" loudly to me. I apologised and explained my son has SN and finds it hard to keep still. I couldn't go after him because I had to wait there. Every time he 'did a loop' past me, I tried to grab his arm (gently) and ask him to stop running around, but this had no effect. His 4 year old sister then joined in and started running around too. It looks like I can't control them 😕.

When I finally got my prescriptions, I explained to the lady behind me and the lady at the till that my son has SN and finds it hard to keep still and they were lovely about it and commented on how hard it must be and I am doing my best.

How do I handle the comments and the tutting in the future? I feel like a crap parent and it's hard enough trying to cope with my son's behaviours without comments from strangers 😬.

I grew up with a severely disabled sibling with brain damage, but it was more obvious that he had disabilities, due to the wheelchair and his making noises etc.

Thanks for reading!

Otherwise, you need to buy reins. There's a reason reins exist - children running off has little to do with special needs they all do it. So you use reins.

I’ve a son with ASC and ADHD (and dyspraxia and SPD fwiw). He’s also 6. Agree about the thick skin. However I would never knowingly allow DS to run riot in a shop. If he becomes impulsive or hyperactive, we leave. If I can’t leave, I wedge him between my knees/ hold his arm until we can.

SN or not, he’s 6 - and they will be wee shites if they think they can get away with it.

Thicker skin and better parenting are not mutually exclusive.

This. I'm disabled and hate when children are running around a child unfriendly area. Sometimes you have to step in and control your child even if that's not what they want, for their safety and for others

My ds has asd.

Some shops are a sensory nightmare due to the lights.

But you and them have to learn how to manage that because running around will create a safeguarding risk for others.

With my ds if I knew we were going into a shop where he had to stand still we'd visit the park in town first to get it out of his system or find somewhere he could run around. Explain he needed to stand with me in shop, enter and do our thing. I use to use the wrist straps or a back pack with a dog lead on the shoulder straps to keep him close. He'd have a fiddle toy to play with too.

I did get comments from people about restraining him but I also knew I'd get comments around the running around 🤷‍♀️. For me I'd rather comments for holding him tight because it's not endangering anyone else.

And you can absolutely leave the desk to get them. Just say sorry, you'll be a second - get them and return. Shop assistants are very understanding imo if you just say "sorry he has adhd/asd/SPD. I'll just grab them and be 2 ticks". They are grateful you are dealing with it and most people ime would rather wait a few seconds for you to deal with it than be knocked over!

I think I agree with some the others. SEN or not your child cannot be running riot in a shop, I’ve seen people wedge them between knees or pick them up.
They might knock over an elderly person, smaller child or a pregnant woman, they might hurt themselves slipping on a wet floor. It’s unsafe and if it really can’t be controlled they can’t go.

It’s not safe for anybody.
he could knock someone over - or he could suddenly run out of the door and into a busy road and get knocked over by a car.

I'm a special needs teacher so fully understand how difficult it can be.
This isn't meant to be judgemental - even though it might read that way.
The ladies in the shop probably felt like you were prioritising your space in the queue over dealing with his (in their eyes potentially dangerous) behaviour. When your other child joined in any SEN reasoning probably went out the window for them. Im sure if you said 'do you mind holding my place while I step out and get my child' they would have obliged.
I'm pregnant and I would be annoyed if there were kids running around in a chemist in case they bashed into me, I think regardless of their need, if their parent didn't leave the queue to stop them I'd probably not be happy.
There are kids in my class with adhd and asd who can sit and walk perfect well when its time to, and as soon as their parents arrive to collect them they know all rules and consequences go out the window and their behaviour is awful. Im not by any means saying you don't have rules and consequences, just saying its not an easy but nor is it an impossible task to teach children with adhd ways to deal with their reactions to situations for short amounts of time.
Sounds like he struggles with bright lights and queuing so I'd probably save these types of errands for when you have alone time, and take him to the park or something where he's free to run around safely and enjoy himself!

You're by no means a bad parent! It's a challenge that most people who have neurotypical children will never understand. You'll never be able to stop other people from judging, but really it's nobody else's business as long as they're not being hurt!

Don't take one sentence of my comment out of context please.

I actually said that it wasn't acceptable to leave a child running round, regardless of SEN, and that she should have left the shop.

My reference to not apologising to strangers about a child having a disability was in reference to the comments about tutting and comments in general.

Children who are neurodiverse often attract disapproval even if they're not legging it around the shop. For example, you might give a child a phone to watch to keep them quiet and distracted for five minutes while you queue. Guarantee you that will result in snide comments and eye-rolls from some who disapprove. I used to pick up and carry my son in my arms while we waited as the tight pressure from being held in my arms soothed him. I still do this sometimes and he's 12 yrs old (he has high needs eg/still in nappies etc). There are many strangers who will give us filthy looks because it's unusual - I don't care. Neurodiverse children don't act/speak/behave in the same way as neurotypical children - and there's nothing wrong with that, providing they're not disrupting others ie/running around, screaming etc. Sadly, even when autistic/ADHD kids are just doing their own thing and not affecting anyone else, there's still an absolute ton of disapproval/nastiness from some people. And that's my point. Don't apologise for your child just for being different.

I have diagnosed adhd and so do both my children - and I am sorry but if I was witnessing two young children running around a chemist I would also be worried about them running into an elderly person and wondering why the parent was not stopping them. ADHD aside children do need to understand safety. I personally would have asked the shop assistant if they could please pause while I caught my children and explained to them why they can’t run in chemist’s ie they could hurt something. And given them a fiddle toy or a phone to distract them.

I started staring back when the child I nannied got stared at. Always by adults! How can people be so rude and what kind of example are they setting for their children?

I mean people stared even when he wasn't having a meltdown, just babbling to himself in the swing. Piss off!

Your 'normal' child?

@SpidersAreShitheads
Thank you for writing that. This is something I'm learning, at first I was always apologising for my son then I realised that was such an awful betrayal of him. And now I join in with him when he is stimming or making unusual sound patterns.

I don't want him growing up thinking his perfectly harmless actions are wrong - that would be awful. He is different in lots of ways to typical kids but he is beautiful, joyful and perfect to me

There are kids in my class with adhd and asd who can sit and walk perfect well when its time to, and as soon as their parents arrive to collect them they know all rules and consequences go out the window and their behaviour is awful

I agree with everything you posted except this. What you're describing sounds like after school restraint collapse rather than parents with no rules or boundaries. Hold it all in and mask all day at school, then as soon as they relax a little with their safe person or in their safe place (e.g., parent, their home) all of rhose suppressed feelings, urges, anxieties, etc. come tumbling out.

That is true, sometimes, not always though. We have a lot of families who have admitted they can't cope as they have other children or bigger things to worry about. The kids are allowed to run riot and their child minder is an ipad. For some though it's 100% that they've used up all of their reserves at school and have to let it out when they get home!
Likewise sometimes a kid can be excelling at home and have major setbacks at school. It's always the parents who try the hardest who blame themselves most for the things that are just natural for their kids to do, that others might see as bad behaviour or lack of control.

I can’t believe some of the posts here...

‘family member who supposedly has ADHD and sensory disorder’

‘Every other child has ASD or ADHD nowadays’

‘Are there any kids that don’t have SEN nowadays?’

Seriously do people this stupid really exist? 😳
Hopefully just bored trolls...

Does it help to reimagine the scenario, but in a situation where for his own safety, you cannot allow him to run around. I don't know what your threshold for that might be - maybe sharp objects, slippy floors etc.

Then take into account that other people's threshold for when you simply shouldn't allow him to run around, is much lower than yours - e.g. staff will be panicking he'll knock half the stock off the shelves or break something or hurt himself, other customers worrying he'll crash into them/their kids.

So then ask yourself what you'd do in a situation where you CANNOT allow him to run off, what strategies you'd employ then, and consider whether your threshold for when that is reasonable considering the people around you.

Its likely there are some situations where the tutting is just unavoidable, but uts easier to tolerate if its less often.

Sourcreampringle i have often wondered if parents of SEN kids are overrepresented on mnet. I know only 1 child in RL with any of ASD, ADHD, SPD, yet on mnet a high proportion of threads feature a child who is not neurotypical.

My 89 year old father is just coming out of hospital after breaking his hip following a fall. He’s terrified of having another fall and losing his independent living. You should have asked the chemist to wait while you stopped him.

My advice is don't bother. Just ignore them and focus on managing your child to the best of your ability in each situation.

I wasted fucking years explaining my sons' disabilities to judgemental strangers practically begging them to understand and not think badly of my children or me.

What a fucking waste of my time. I should have just focused on handling the situation and not diverting my energy basically apologising for my sons' existences to people who meant nothing to me or them.

Tutters will tut whether you give a shit or not. Tune them out and do what you have to do to best help your child in whatever situation he's struggling with.

Parents of children with disabilities are more likely to seek out other parents of children with disabilities for solidarity, support, advice, etc. They're also more likely to face situations that they want to talk about to seek that same advice, support, and solidarity. Naturally in this day and age that would mean heading online and gravitating towards sites like Mumsnet.

I can also guarantee you will know more than one person in RL, even if its just in passing, but as there is still a lot of judgement (and as its private medical information) not everyone shares their diagnosis.

FarmerRefuted yes it does make sense that those parents will seek out others for advice etc.

I think it sometimes create an echo chamber though, and a perception that certain scenarios are more common. It reminds me of a university friend who grew up in an ethnically diverse part of London & could not believe that only 3% if the UK population is black. She was stunned when i explained that in my suburban town in the south west, i had never seen a black person in the flesh until I was about 15, and that many parts of the UK are still not very diverse at all.

Its perfectly possible that some people will not encounter many children with additional needs. The vast majority of children are neurotypical.

If you can't control your children in the shop then you need to make alternative arrangements for your prescription, drop it off and pick it up later, get it delivered, send someone else for it.

Having children running laps of the shop probably felt quite intimidating to them. If he'd have bumped one of them he could have broken their hip.

Having a diagnosis of ADHD shouldn't be used as a free pass to put others at risk.

You have my full sympathy as I get this regularly with my 3 year old awaiting an autism assessment. Though I personally feel she may also have ADHD. I know I shouldn't but I've actually started confronting people in the hope they'll soon learn to change their attitude. But it's so hard. My daughter was behaving the best she ever has on the bus the other day and a few older women immediately started about her just because she was kicking her legs back and forth (not on their seats might I add, nobody in front) I actually said to them sp they then loudly started a conversation about how youngsters today will use any excuse to deflect from their poor parenting (I would like to point out I'm 31, not overly young). It was horrible that I'm sitting praising her on how well she's doing for people to then start off like that. At least you know you're doing nothing wrong x

It is not incredibly difficult to get a diagnosis. It's literally self reported through a questionnaire with a nurse practitioner, who hands over medication.

You just need to say 'yes' to questions like, "Does he have trouble following instructions?" and "does he often not complete tasks fully?"

It really isn’t easy to get a diagnosis!