Older ladies tutting at my son with ADHD

[Usernamqwerty]

My just-turned six year old DS is under investigation for ADHD (if he doesn't have it, I'll eat my hat...). School are fully in agreement. He's hyper, impulsive, interrupts me all the time, doesn't focus etc.

Well, among other things, he just doesn't keep still. Loves running around. I was in Boots today picking up a prescription and had to stand at the till until the lady had sorted all the bits. My son started running around and around the store (quite a small one) and there was a little queue and two older ladies started looking at him, muttering to each other and tutting at me and saying "excuse me" loudly to me. I apologised and explained my son has SN and finds it hard to keep still. I couldn't go after him because I had to wait there. Every time he 'did a loop' past me, I tried to grab his arm (gently) and ask him to stop running around, but this had no effect. His 4 year old sister then joined in and started running around too. It looks like I can't control them 😕.

When I finally got my prescriptions, I explained to the lady behind me and the lady at the till that my son has SN and finds it hard to keep still and they were lovely about it and commented on how hard it must be and I am doing my best.

How do I handle the comments and the tutting in the future? I feel like a crap parent and it's hard enough trying to cope with my son's behaviours without comments from strangers 😬.

I grew up with a severely disabled sibling with brain damage, but it was more obvious that he had disabilities, due to the wheelchair and his making noises etc.

Thanks for reading!

Wow. You are comparing dogs to SEN children!?! And ADHD is not caused by attending nursery or screen time. It's a highly heritable neurodevelopmental disorder. Your comment is extremely ignorant.

So he just doesn’t respect you then?
And you can all fuck right off
I have a real disabled child, she is nearly 30, I have had to fight every day of her life for something
Had to deal with many meltdowns in public places but no other people were ever in danger
If he can’t be trusted, in a public place, use reins or learn restraining methods
Your OT and physio will be able to help you with this
Old people can die from a fall

Remember that all kids are different so a lot of kids can cope with things other kids can't and vice versa. One of my autistic kids was fine in shops...(both autistic, both opposite sensory issues, different reactions to shopping etc, different needs same diagnosis)

You'll always get someone saying their Sen child managed...

Thank you for your support and suggestions. Greatly appreciated! I don't feel so alone now. Could try out a few things I think. Including going alone...

You do know that not every child with SEN is the same, right? Or that children aren’t dogs? And you’ve no basis whatsoever for assuming screen time is an issue (my 10yo has ADHD and plays on a screen about four times a year. She spent very little time at nursery too - sorry!)

OP, you do learn to tune out the negative judgment and develop a thicker skin. One supportive comment from a stranger makes up for a dozen nasty stares/tuts. As others have pointed out, being crashed into by a child is a very real fear for many elderly and/or disabled people, but it sounds like you did the best you could in a difficult situation. It does become easier to avoid certain situations the older they get as you learn to recognize/anticipate the triggers.

Also, no one has full control of their kids’ behavior 100% of the time, SEN or not. Those who believe they do are deluded!

Thank you 😊

Honestly, OP? You live and learn. You'll learn to recognise his trigger points and the subtle signs that he's beginning to have trouble regulating himself. You'll learn at what point you need to step in and how best to redirect him. It's normal for there to be some trial and error between now and then, it took me a good while to learn all this with my DC but - if its any help - things have improved as they've gotten older, I've gained much more experienced at recognising and responding to their unspoken needs and they've learned their own coping methods too. If I saw you out and about I'd likely recognise that you're in the learning stage right now, I wouldn't judge you.

Ignore the people who want to stick the boot in, I'm sure they don't get it right 100% of the time either.

My oldest DS is ASD and I suspect my youngest DS is ASD and/or ADHD so I feel your pain, but honestly just ignore any looks and comments, you do not need to justify or share family details with total strangers because the behave disapprovingly. People can be judgemental in all sorts of ways, and be completely ignorant to what else may be going on. For instance, I am disabled but I "look" fine so I have had tuts, comments and even a note left on my car, despite having a blue badge. You can't please everyone so you might as well please yourself.

Did you just compare “training” a child with additional needs to training a dog?

Are you suggesting that lots of screen time and time at nursery leads to children developing additional needs? What nonsense! I’m actually speechless.

So for me that would have been quite unsettling and quickly overwhelming if he kept running past me.combined with the general environment and whatever else I’ve had in my day so far not just that isolated event of course.

IMO your actions weren’t unreasonable but your expectations are. You simply can’t reserve the right to let your son do what he needs to do, for you to do what you need to do (allow it to continue) and then say that the others impacted don’t have the right to have any feelings or reactions to it

Most people are very pissed off with out of control children
SEN is not an excuse
LMFAO at how sensitive you all get every time about children being dumped in front of screens
I don’t want out of control children nearly knocking me over, because I have a severely disabled daughter to care for and no one else to help me with that

I see both sides tbh.

I've been there with the excruciation of my child having huge meltdowns in public (she has a brain disorder which means she can get very overwhelmed). I understand how difficult it is and how hard it makes doing simple things in life.

However, I don't allow her (or my other child) to become a danger to others). You'd have known the were likely to be elderly people in a pharmacy, so perhaps could have come up with a better plan. Buggy, or reins, or just getting your prescription delivered, if you know you might not be able to control him in public. He could have knocked over sometime elderly, robbing them of their mobility and independence for the rest of their lives.

I have ADHD and a DS with ASC and combined type ADHD and agree with this.

He may not be able to help it but you do need to find ways of managing his behaviour for both his and other's safety.

For instance in this type of scenario I might have stepped out of the queue to ensure I had hold of him and firmly held him with me (if I were unable to leave). I'd obviously explain that you can't run around here it's not the right place to do that.

I would also have prepped him before going into a situation of the behaviour that was needed. So he understood. Providing timescales can help eg we'll be going into the shop for 10 or 15 minutes. I'll be picking up my prescription and then we'll leave straight away. While we are in the shop you can't run around you have to stand next to me and hold my hand/the buggy etc etc. After we leave the shop we'll be doing xxxxx. Then while you are in the shop try to give a timing count down as much as you can as people with ADHD don't have an internal clock so have a poor sense of the passing of time. If you are in a queue you could maybe do this by counting down the people who are being served.

Another good "trick" (for SEN or NT children!) is to give them something to do. So that could maybe be a game to play while in the queue to keep them occupied. Or if shopping, get them to get things off the list. Or even be in charge of the list (when they are old enough to read!) so they get to tell you what to do!!

Lots of other good suggestions by the PP for reducing sensory issues as that could definitely be triggering some of the "over-excited" behaviour as you say.

I'm sure others will have lots of helpful suggestions of things you could try.

Perhaps look at why you feel your needs superseded those of other customers and consider a different method of managing your shopping when with your children.

I agree. Being knocked into could land an elderly person in hospital. You clearly can't control your children in public and need better strategies in place.

Maybe it's the fact your as so far described NT child also joined in running round a small shop.. that's ridiculous imho

I nip to a branch of Home Bargains near my work. I love going in there as it has very low lighting, calm music and wide uncluttered aisles. All shops should be like this!

I'm a teacher and I don't have ASD but school is such a sensory overload for me that I go in there to calm down and restore myself. I really should start a campaign!

I’m not judgemental
Children shouldn’t be running around shops endangering the life of old people
In what normal world would you be saying “ oh I’m really sorry, my out of control children have knocked you over, oh dear, your hip is broken”
3 weeks later, you read in the local paper that the old person died in hospital following complications resulting from a fall
only you wouldn’t, because you’re only interested in yourselves

No-one's being "sensitive". You are just being challenged as what you said was absolute rubbish that needed challenging. You compared an SEN child to a dog and then implied that ADHD was caused by putting children in nurseries or screen time, attempting to blame the OP for her child's SEN. Which is both offensive and ignorant. I would also say it's completely inappropriate on a thread of a mother of an SEN child who is obviously struggling.

This.

Yes, YABU.
You can't allow 2 dc to be running around the shop. It is unsafe and incredibly disregarding of the needs of other people.
I speak as the parent of 3 dc , 2 of whom have ADHD diagnoses, so I know it can be challenging, but having ADHD does not give you carte blanche to do as you will and completely disregard the safety of everyone else around you.

I agree with this.

SN or not you need to stop this behaviour

I'm 46 (hopefully not 'older'!) but I've got rheumatoid arthritis and use a stick. I would have needed to move well out of the way of both children for my own safety.

Please don't assume it's only the elderly who could incur a serious injury if felled.

Most people are very pissed off with out of control commentators.
Being a carer is not an excuse.
LMFAO at how sensitive you get every time someone points out that children are not dogs (also calling your non-disabled daughter 'normal' to distinguish her from your disabled daughter is a bit weird).

Seriously, I'm sorry you have such a hard time as a carer. That must be very tough, I cannot imagine how difficult it is. Most of us are trying to help the OP, including by helping her to understand why some people (like you and your daughter, and like me for that matter) will find having a child running uncontrolled near them worrying. But saying things like "you call all fuck off" to posters on this thread is rude and unhelpful.

Im sorry for you OP it sounds like you have a challenge on your hands.

My gran was bumped into by a kid on a scooter once. Kid was dashing along a pavemeent with mum trailing behind. Gran wobbled over and smashed her wrist to pieces when she fell, the scooter grazed her ankle.

Gran never recovered - her wrist ached and she got an ulcerated leg, which was up and down for a while but then caused her to become housebound. My mum had to give up her career to help care for her. Twenty years of my mum's life consumed.

Sometimes i would go round when the district nurse was there, scraping the ulcerated flesh away. God the stench of it.

Eventually gran died, unpleasantly out of her mind on morphine which didnt come close to managing the pain.

The kid on the scooter and his mum said sorry but didnt wait around to check things were okay. Assumed gran would dust herself down. A neighbour saw her fall and came to the rescue.

Sometimes even a little bump can be life-changing for a whole family.

Please mind the older ladies, sometimes they tut for a reason.

Thank you for all your comments. Yes. I am still learning how to manage my son and parent him and as a healthcare student, I need to be more aware of the safety issue here. Of course I don't want anyone to get hurt. I'll do my best to avoid taking him there again and work on some strategies to help him control his behaviours. Apologies to anyone I might have upset. I am new at being an SEN parent and it can take time to work things out.