Older ladies tutting at my son with ADHD

[Usernamqwerty]

My just-turned six year old DS is under investigation for ADHD (if he doesn't have it, I'll eat my hat...). School are fully in agreement. He's hyper, impulsive, interrupts me all the time, doesn't focus etc.

Well, among other things, he just doesn't keep still. Loves running around. I was in Boots today picking up a prescription and had to stand at the till until the lady had sorted all the bits. My son started running around and around the store (quite a small one) and there was a little queue and two older ladies started looking at him, muttering to each other and tutting at me and saying "excuse me" loudly to me. I apologised and explained my son has SN and finds it hard to keep still. I couldn't go after him because I had to wait there. Every time he 'did a loop' past me, I tried to grab his arm (gently) and ask him to stop running around, but this had no effect. His 4 year old sister then joined in and started running around too. It looks like I can't control them 😕.

When I finally got my prescriptions, I explained to the lady behind me and the lady at the till that my son has SN and finds it hard to keep still and they were lovely about it and commented on how hard it must be and I am doing my best.

How do I handle the comments and the tutting in the future? I feel like a crap parent and it's hard enough trying to cope with my son's behaviours without comments from strangers 😬.

I grew up with a severely disabled sibling with brain damage, but it was more obvious that he had disabilities, due to the wheelchair and his making noises etc.

Thanks for reading!

They weren't tutting at your son though were they, they were tutting at your inept parenting.

Well ignore them

But running around in bootss or stores is potentially dangerous.

Maybe get a maclaren major buggy he has to stay in when going in shops?
Or if picking up meds call them before and arrange for them to bring them out to the door and hand over there.

Practice going in shop for short time where he stsys still and gets rewarded favourite snack then build up tge time , behaviour approach.

Or adapt your behaviour eg by asking pharmzcist to hand over meds at the door. Call and ask

Could be the lights etc yes

was in Boots today picking up a prescription and had to stand at the till until the lady had sorted all the bits.

Next time say

I ll take the kids outside i will wait by the door , here is my number

I'm sorry this happened to you but no need tor the ageism.

My mum probably wouldn't have tutted, but she would have been terrified. Frail, impaired balance, partially sighted, and still trying to recover from the broken arm from last time she fell. And with enough health problems that she not infrequently has to go to the chemist's.

Patience lol. You will come against 2 types ones that are generally kind and do listen when you explain and others that are complete twits who think it's alright and know everything. A well I know an autistic/adhd/sen child/person that will try tell you what you're doing wrong etc. My autistic son is 14 and I've heard it all or at least I think I have until the next shocking know it all. Endless patience is needed for all. I pity them as they must have something going on in their lives that makes them feel the need to integrate into mine. When they're over the top obnoxious I just say he is autistic what's your excuse x

DS is PDA/ADHD and I just don't take him on errands. He's 8. DH does all the shopping alone, and I go to the pharmacy etc. on a Sat morning when DH is at home with DS. We went to a specific store for Halloween bits the other day, and then to the supermarket next door for frozen mango and milk (both requested by DS). Because we had a specific focus for the trip, we had a fantastic time. No running off, no running in the aisles and no random insults aimed at passers by.

All his clothes are purchased online, and we've been going to the same shoe shop since he was a toddler - they serve popcorn while they're fitting his shoes.

For other outings, he just can't manage it, and it's not fair to him to put him in a position where he is being widely disapproved of for behaviours that are currently not within his control, and which might pose a danger to others.

My son let go of my hand once in a library and started running towards the kids section, tripped and smashed his face on a metal shelf - the same ones you get in shops - and cut his gum and lip so badly he had to have surgery. There was so much blood, it was absolutely horrific. He still has a scar. I was just relieved it wasn't his eye.

It's really dangerous to let kids run around in small areas with shelves, SN or not. For others yes but also themselves, take it from me.

You need to think of a strategy so this doesn't happen anymore. Reins, fidget toys etc exist for this purpose.

Hi just wanted to say your doing a brilliant job, I have a son with ASD, he’s not a fan of waiting in queues either and has a talent for escaping from places, so I get super anxious about this scenario. I’ve learned to talk to him about what’s about to happen and keep reminding him during the queuing what’s happening. I usually go down to his level and keep my voice calm and warm. I usually give him extra time to process what I’m saying to him. I find giving him a chance to mentally prepare really helps him. I’m sure you probably do it anyway. I find the in queue reminders allow other people to overhear your remarks and perhaps be a bit more patient. Sending my support to you. X

ADHD or not, kids do need to learn boundaries. While it’s possibly not his fault, if you just accept him to be out of control he will think that acceptable. 🤷‍♀️ Just my opinion but I do think people use ADHD as an excuse sometimes. My son has ADHD but he is physically capable of knowing right from wrong because we have managed it.

It’s a tricky one OP. I do feel for you, as I have either a child with SEN too or just a tricky child! And I also have a younger who whilst I don’t suspect SEN at the moment (it only became more apparent in older DC when he started year 1 to be honest) he is bloody hard work!

I just couldn’t have allowed that to happen though, sorry. I think I probably would’ve left, or threatened to an inch of their lives, bribed, done whatever it took. My DC are ok in shops so it’s easy for me to say, but they both get tricky when queueing so I have to be on them all the time, I probably sound like a Sargent Major parent to others. Constantly reminding, reprimanding. If that had been my 6 year old (who I suspect has ADHD or ASD) I would’ve grabbed him, crouched down and threatened him to an inch of his life. Not gentle parenting I know, but running round and round in a shop like that can’t happen, because of the risks of hurting someone.

Take care, it’s hard. My older DC doesn’t actually warrant many stares but my 3 year old, Jesus Christ. He’s had meltdowns of epic proportions on the school yard, screaming at passers by who we of course see every day, with it being their school. That’s led to just a few stares!

Hi just wanted to say your doing a brilliant job

@Dannybx really? Struggling with a non-NT child is one thing whilst she takes active steps to learn how to manage him (although her DS is under investigation for ADHD so hasn't actually got a diagnosis), but it's certainly not "doing a brilliant job" to also allow a NT child to join in the dangerous running around a shop.

OP has been given lots of useful advice which hopefully she'll put into practice as she certainly has not indicated that she's been doing any of the strategies already, and admitted that "I really try and avoid bringing them to shops etc because this always happens". Notice she says "them" and "always". Plus her main concern was how to cope with being judged on the poor behaviour of both her children

I think you just need to remember that it is usually the older generation that are giving the disapproving looks. They didn't magically have well behaved kids, they used to regularly hit them to make them behave. Obviously this is a massive generalisation, but it might help you to have in mind when you are getting disapproving looks. There are certainly still plenty of people who have an attitude of 'there was none of this autism/adhd in my day. Those kids just need a good smack'.

Spot on @PylaSheight

Never sure how posters can say someone is doing a brilliant job when they don't know anything of the sort.

Not just older people. Younger people do suffer with all of the above. I'm in my 40s and have hypermobility and a fall could cause me to dislocate a hip or shoulder etc. My balance isn't always great either. Yet I'm mobile, don't qualify for any aids or assistance like sticks or wheelchairs, the best management for me is to STAY MOBILE.

So I look absolutely fine. I won't necessarily tut at children running around playfully, I do find it quite sweet, but you may see me backing off or looking nervous, which can come across as disapproval.

BUT I also have a child with ADHD and ASD, so I understand the struggles too. Luckily mine was the quiet, anxious, attached type who never ran off, but he was terrified of and had meltdowns over everything- shop lights, high ceilings, shiny floors, escalators, the carpets at the entrance to shops, stairs without backs or see through ones, loud noises, people in costumes, hand dryers. Fun times. I used to have to give him a constant stream of reminders of what was happening, what we'd do next and how long until we were finished to keep him calm, interspersed with chatting total shit to him about anything and everything. I must have looked mad! Thankfully he's a teen now and is just as understanding of little kids in shops.

OP, you get through it, but you really do have to just ignore the judgement. Remind yourself they have no idea what's going on in your life just as you don't know what's going on in theirs. You've had some great strategies offered here, but I will say I prefer the strategies offered that are aimed at taking DS out with you. Use those strategies to get him to learn how to act in shops whilst he is young as it will be easier than leaving him home now and then him being completely overwhelmed in shops when he is older. I HAD to take my DC with me as I have been a single parent since he was 3. That meant I had to learn to keep him calm as best I could. He is now capable of coming shopping with me, likes doing the weekly food shop and I can even give him some cash and send him down to the local shops for milk, bread and a packet of sweets without worry.

So the only way to make kids stand still is to smack them? Interesting.

As has been repeatedly said, kids running around pose a risk to the people around them as well as to themselves. A shop isn’t somewhere people anticipate dodging children, and shouldn’t have to tbh. There’s a potential for serious injury.

You'd allow your child to run around and for others to put up with it instead of parenting him?

"ADHD" or not doesn't mean your child can do what they want.

What I do and do not allow my children to do is not what was asked. She asked what to say to people. Incidentally no I don't the eldest does spin in a circle though when anxious and if there's music he will dance. He is 14 and the amount of horrid people are out there. So no neither my autistic 14yr old nor my autistic 2yr old run around like crazy however they have their quirks and people like you not reading what the question is asking or trying to be kind and berating others is not welcome. So get off your high horse and enjoy the love of seeing children lone to be in their own world spinning and dancing to their own tune. Neither of mine bother people unless it's to talk their ears off and try cuddle them as they've been spoken to and think they're their best friends.

Why did you put adhd in quotation marks?

So the best recourses I can give you are ADDitude which is a website and how to adhd on YouTube. You must learn his triggers and have various bags of distractions ready to go in those situations. Standing in line, I would be talking to him. Or playing Rock Paper Scissors and losing and pretending to be upset. Playing thumb war and telling him to let me win, pointing at all the medicines and saying what each one is for :’this one makes you fly, this one makes you purple.. ect.’
I mean… anything to draw attention to me. He’s six you must know by now what will grab his attention. I would say things so he could contradict me and then pretend outrage. I’d take the coins out my purse and pretend that I was counting my treasure and tell them NOT to try and steal it. Spoiler alert: they will try and steal it.