To think it’s stupid to have kids with the wrong person?

[Fannyproblemos]

I have a couple of friends and family members who actively chose to have children with men who they knew would not make good long term partners. Each of them would admit to knowing this at the time. It’s not like the men or their relationships have changed dramatically. Now they are either trapped in unhappy situations for the sake of the kids. Or they have tricky custody arrangements, which bring stress and unhappiness. Whilst I sympathise. I cannot understand at all why these attractive and wonderful women chose these men to procreate with. Knowing they were already unhappy, knowing they would in most cases not make great dads, knowing their relationships wouldn’t last. Surely it would’ve been more sensible all round to leave these rot bags and try and meet someone they do love. Even at risk of not being able to have kids? I just think it’s a really selfish move to pop out a kid because you want one, knowing you’re intentionally bringing them into an unhappy situation. We should teach younger women this is not the way to go, it’s save a lot of heartache and divorce fees all round. And these are not cases of ‘sometime it just doesn’t work out’ they all knew in there heart of hearts it was not going to work out. Madness!

Also, if they do what is advisable and build a relationship and get to know someone well before having a child with them over, say at least 3-5 yrs ... That's chunks taken out of their window of they decide not, or he decides not or it doesn't work out for whatever reason.

A lot of posters on MN will say ‘that’s why I didn’t have kids until I was 38, when I found the right person’ but in my experience, it’s older mums who pick the wrong man in a rush to settle down. I don’t think this issue is the remit of young or ‘irresponsible’ mums necessarily. It’s difficult being a woman now as men are total commitment phobes who see themselves as ‘too young to settle down’ before they’re 40.

I'm aware of that. But as none of those benefits are affected by men paying maintenance or not, then the original comment makes no sense.

I think the issue is that it's completely socially acceptable for a man to walk away from his family and never pay for his kids.
It should be shameful.
Of course, I'm not saying that couples should stay together, but a father who walks away from his kids should not be normalised by society.
When men realise they have roles and responsibilities within the family that are permanent, it might change them.

This is such a powerful post. Well done you for stopping such a toxic cycle by putting any potential child's well-being before your desire to have a child.

It would be interesting to hear your son's perspective.

She's not just talking about you. She's talking about the choices you made that were selfish for your child.

People are falling all over themselves to justify why women choose shit men but no one is really talking about the potential damage to the children. It's all about satisfying a womans desire for children without actually thinking about those children.

I think the issue is that it's completely socially acceptable for a man to walk away from his family and never pay for his kids
No, that's not the issue, though for sure it is AN issue. And it's not 'socially acceptable'.
Still, the signs are usually there but, as demonstrated in this thread, women will go to whatever lengths necessary to satisfy THEIR urge for children, often to the detriment of those eventual children 🤷‍♀️

I couldn't agree with you more @CJsGoldfish.

I'm not quite sure I understand this.

Everyone on here commenting saying it's stupid/selfish must themselves all have excellent relationships, be setting a perfect example and be 100% certain that their children's father will never put a foot wrong.

There's a relatively short window for a woman to have a child and truly good men are in short supply. Working in a certain industry in my 20s I knew a hell of a lot of married fathers who were cheating on their wives with younger single women from the office. It really eroded my trust in men and the idea of the perfect family. Don't be quite so smug.

There seems to be a lot of blame on the woman too. Does the man have any part in this when he choses to get a woman pregnant knowing that he's not going to stick around?

I can honestly say that most of the single parents I know of do a fantastic job.

Amazing how many are ignoring what the OP is asking about. The thread is not about women who meet someone who seems decent and have children with them in good faith and they then reveal their true colours. It’s about women who knowingly choose to have children with men they already know are arseholes.

So true. With a younger woman it's often, whoops, shit!
With a 39 year old, it's now or never after years of rumination, seatching and settling. Missing the slot for motherhood is not something that can be fixed later.

There is a lot of judgement on single mothers but I have been a better parent to my dc than my married parents were to me. They had some dysfunctional dynamics, their repressed emotions were projected on to me. Im ok now because I stand firm in my interpretation of family history but my married parents best left me anxious, lacking in confidence, fearful, all the good stuff. It's taken therapy to undo it.

So a lot of judgement placed on single parents is void in cases where they were the ones brave enough to make changes.

Conventional people place value on married parents when all the studies show that it is poverty not single parent families that negatively affect outcomes.

I think women who are cornered in to the now or never decision are usually sensible have put it off as long as they could. I was "responsible" and sensible for as long as I had those options.

Low self esteem was a big factor too but I was responsible and sensible.

For her, me marrying anybody, even if he was abusive prick, was the most important thing in the world. I was happy to stay alone all my life.

Exactly. Instead of being brainwashed into thinking that their happiness, self-esteem and status are all dependent on getting their man, young girls should be taught that staying single for the rest of their lives would be far better than being with the wrong man. And that they don't owe a romantic relationship to anyone - certainly not to man, and not to their family either.

I waited for the right person and now I’m too old to have a baby with him!

Started ttc at 37 now 40 after 12 losses, no issues except age! IVF is yielding minimal embryos as my elderly eggs cannot do much. I now wish I’d had more unprotected sex with unsuitable men when I was young.

I have learnt not to judge others’ life choices. We all walk our own path.

Amazing how many are ignoring what the OP is asking about. The thread is not about women who meet someone who seems decent and have children with them in good faith

This is a chat forum, not a survey. Conversations develop and move on from the starting point.

Absolutely. The govt ought to be pursuing costs for the children they’ve conceived instead of the taxpayer picking up the slack.

You fathered it - you pay for it.

This idea of ‘single mothers’ is wrong - it should be non-cohabiting parents and they are both responsible for the well-being and welfare of that child irrespective of who does the day to day.

Bringing a child into the world should be considered a solemn and serious responsibility for which you as a parent are accountable. This includes the feckless and the dumbshit of either sex.

It’s so easy to blame women for this (and all of life’s evils) and I think if you can you should count yourself very lucky that your life experiences haven’t given you a kinder perspective.

I agree to an extent if you’ve chosen to have a baby with someone you already know is going to be a shit dad.
From experience with family and friends the partners who turn out to be shit disappointing dads and end up splitting came as no surprise to anyone who knows then other than the woman/mother who was blind to the issues until a baby sadly exacerbated them.
No it’s not down to women and no onus on men but ultimately if women made good choices and thought ahead all those shit men would be single and unable to sew their shitty oats and fail those poor children forever.
I met DH when I was 19 and was hugely aware he would be a lovely father from the start even years away from considering starting a family. I knew I’d want children and when it came to the crunch and we decided to move in together etc this was part of the decision. I don’t consider myself particularly lucky or any more intelligent than anyone else. But I did actively choose to be with someone who’d be a good partner and father.

It's very easy to be judgemental. They might think he's the right person and be blind to his faults. They might also be sitting at home saying the same thing about you - 'how can she be with him? Look how he acts!'

Dontsweaththe small stuff, the choice I made for my child was not to have an abortion after failed contraception. Call me a feckless selfish idiot

Absolutely agree

so much smug armchair criticism on here it’s tragic

There are huge swathes of the population who are utterly feckless and live from day to day with zero thought to the future, or the consequences of their actions. Twas ever thus.

On what? Being born? I think he’s pretty happy with it. As I said, I’m one of those who didn’t choose single motherhood (and generally the type people say “Oh I didn’t mean YOU” to when they make this kind of thread), so what do I need to be sorry for? I’m not.

I’m happy, my boy is happy, he knows he’s loved by his mum AND his dad, and we don’t need to suffer in loveless relationship to make it so.

All of our children will judge us for the way they’re raised, and right now I can hold my head high on that matter.

Anyone can make poor judgements. I wouldn't believe anybody who said they hadn't. Getting so swept up by the desire to have a baby, even with the wrong man I can sympathise with.

But when you're on baby no.3 with father no.3 and not 1 of the fathers has stayed even long enough to be at the birth... yes, it's stupid and think you are an absolute idiot. There's a new man on the scene now so expecting baby no.4 to be announced soon and man 4 to disappear shortly after. (ndn)

We all know women who have multiple kids by horrible men and we just think why?

But OP you said
And I live by this rule wholeheartedly myself. I will never have kids unless I meet the right guy.

So you haven't actually made that sacrifice yourself! You are sitting there saying that you'll only have kids once you meet the perfect man, but that's really easy to say when you (maybe secretly, maybe even subconsciously) believe that he's just around the corner. When the time comes, you turn 39, desperate for kids and no decent man in sight, you really have no idea how you will act.