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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s stupid to have kids with the wrong person?

208 replies

Fannyproblemos · 21/10/2022 21:49

I have a couple of friends and family members who actively chose to have children with men who they knew would not make good long term partners. Each of them would admit to knowing this at the time. It’s not like the men or their relationships have changed dramatically. Now they are either trapped in unhappy situations for the sake of the kids. Or they have tricky custody arrangements, which bring stress and unhappiness. Whilst I sympathise. I cannot understand at all why these attractive and wonderful women chose these men to procreate with. Knowing they were already unhappy, knowing they would in most cases not make great dads, knowing their relationships wouldn’t last. Surely it would’ve been more sensible all round to leave these rot bags and try and meet someone they do love. Even at risk of not being able to have kids? I just think it’s a really selfish move to pop out a kid because you want one, knowing you’re intentionally bringing them into an unhappy situation. We should teach younger women this is not the way to go, it’s save a lot of heartache and divorce fees all round. And these are not cases of ‘sometime it just doesn’t work out’ they all knew in there heart of hearts it was not going to work out. Madness!

OP posts:
Fairislefandango · 21/10/2022 21:52

It's stupid to get into a relationship with an unsuitable person, never mind have children with one. Unfortunately, there are lots of awful things in some people's backgrounds and upbringings that make them make unwise choices.

BigFatLiar · 21/10/2022 21:59

If you read the posts here it's fairly common to have a child/children with someone without any intention of a long term relationship.

Women gave a right to be a mother, the father is secondary or irrelevant to many.

Devoutspoken · 21/10/2022 22:02

Insightful

12349A · 21/10/2022 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ClairyFlare · 21/10/2022 22:06

YANBU

Its frustrating seeing people make such shit life choices and then moan about it

Crunchingleaf · 21/10/2022 22:09

Deep down I knew my Ex was wrong for me in every way. However, I never acknowledged it at a conscious level until after DC was born. I had grown up in an abusive home and it took me a long time to deal with that and most importantly of all to view myself as someone of worth and someone who deserved love and happiness as much as the next person. Thankfully we only had one DC and I was able to rebuild my life. I do feel immense guilt for the waste of space DC has for a father, but I can’t imagine life without DC in it.

MissMaple82 · 21/10/2022 22:10

Could be for any number of reasons! They could have low self esteem, a traumatic past, an abusive relationship, fear of never having another opportunity to have children of their own, they could have grown up with parents in a bad relationship and that all they know, they could believe a child will make their partner change. I was in a very abusive relationship and I was told daily that nobody else would ever have me, my biological clock was ticking and I genuinely thought if I have his baby it will make him be nice to me.. obviously it didn't! But abuse makes all logic go out the window!

I believe children should be taught a whole lot more in schools other than subjects like maths and English, life skills should be taught, confidence building, body image, boundaries, and acceptable relationships, only then will women stop finding themselves in dead-end abusive, love lacking relationships where children are being brought up in, to no doubt repeat the cycle all over again!

hattie43 · 21/10/2022 22:11

ClairyFlare · 21/10/2022 22:06

YANBU

Its frustrating seeing people make such shit life choices and then moan about it

This.
It's always the children who suffer , oh and us paying the bill when these errant men pay no maintenance

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/10/2022 22:14

I’d expect this to be deleted for victim blaming or something but you’re right.

StoneofDestiny · 21/10/2022 22:14

There are a lot of selfish people out there. Many people also make idiotic life choices and then moan about how life is difficult for them as a result of these choices.
Yes - some people end up with messed up relationships through no fault of their own - but to set out to make decisions about children that benefit you rather than benefit the child and ensure it’s future wellbeing is plain selfish.

Devoutspoken · 21/10/2022 22:17

So only children who come out of safe stable loving relationships are ok to have?

SallyWD · 21/10/2022 22:20

Sometimes women are simply desperate for a baby. My friend got back together with her ex because she was 40 and wanted to be a mum more than anything else. Her ex isn't horrible but he's certainly not perfect husband/father material...

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/10/2022 22:21

Devoutspoken · 21/10/2022 22:17

So only children who come out of safe stable loving relationships are ok to have?

What’s good about knowingly intentionally bringing a child into an unhappy or unstable situation? Life is hard enough without your mum giving you a useless specimen for a dad. No one’s saying the children shouldn’t exist but you can’t honestly defend choosing to give your child a shit dad? That’s with them for life.

Devoutspoken · 21/10/2022 22:23

I think you miss my point, unstable relationships can produce amazing kids

MsPincher · 21/10/2022 22:25

hattie43 · 21/10/2022 22:11

This.
It's always the children who suffer , oh and us paying the bill when these errant men pay no maintenance

Show quote history

That’s such an awful and misogynist thing to say. I’m a single mum of two and don’t claim benefits of any sort. Not all women need a man for money- many of us can provide for ourselves.

StoneofDestiny · 21/10/2022 22:27

I think you miss my point, unstable relationships can produce amazing kids

Yes, and many orphaned children grow up to be happy, secure and fulfilled - but it’s hardly a great starting point to deny a child the right to two loving parents in a secure home.

Kendodd · 21/10/2022 22:32

I'll never understand why women choose to have children with a man with a history of abandoned women and children behind him. Boris Johnson springs to mind.

Volhhg · 21/10/2022 22:33

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/10/2022 22:21

What’s good about knowingly intentionally bringing a child into an unhappy or unstable situation? Life is hard enough without your mum giving you a useless specimen for a dad. No one’s saying the children shouldn’t exist but you can’t honestly defend choosing to give your child a shit dad? That’s with them for life.

Show quote history

What about those that choose to have a child without a father or with only one parent is this then bad too? Should children only be brought into the world under certain ideal circumstances?

Whiskeypowers · 21/10/2022 22:34

hattie43 · 21/10/2022 22:11

This.
It's always the children who suffer , oh and us paying the bill when these errant men pay no maintenance

Show quote history

not everyone deliberately / knowingly has children with the “wrong person” and it is not only the children who suffer.
and as for “us paying the bill” ….. too
much Daily Fail reading

such a lack of compassion and insight, I don’t know how any educated switched on adult could really write this sort of shit

Mummyof287 · 21/10/2022 22:35

I definitely think far too many people rush into and 'settle for' having babies with anyone nowadays, and there are alot of people having babies with multiple partners.I'm by no means saying everyone should get married before having a family, but what I would say is that when it was the norm, it probably made some of them think more carefully about who they were 'settling down' with.Don't have children with someone you don't want/can't imagine being tied to for the rest of your life.Even if they don't want to get married for other reasons, if it's the level of commitment to each other that puts people off doing so, then they shouldn't be having a baby with each other either! :-/

MsPincher · 21/10/2022 22:36

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/10/2022 22:21

What’s good about knowingly intentionally bringing a child into an unhappy or unstable situation? Life is hard enough without your mum giving you a useless specimen for a dad. No one’s saying the children shouldn’t exist but you can’t honestly defend choosing to give your child a shit dad? That’s with them for life.

Show quote history

No one actively chooses to give their children a “shit dad”. It’s mens fault if they aren’t good fathers- it’s up to us mum to be good mums. I’m a good mum and provide a good home and life for my girls. my ex isn’t perfect but he does ok. I’m not responsible for his behavior but of course I make sure it doesn’t affect my dds negatively.

lots of people are in toxic relationships but I suspect these crap dad’s and mums are not what op is talking about.

Original poster
Fannyproblemos · 21/10/2022 22:36

I’m so sorry for you guys that have suffered traumatic pasts, have no positive examples of how a family can be, have suffered abuse, or have low self esteem. Raising these valid points has genuinely made me think and made me more understanding and compassionate to my friends choices. I wish I’d stepped in with one friend in particular and told her ‘no, you don’t need to do this, too are worthy of better, don’t tie yourself to him’ it’s too late now 😥

OP posts:
hattie43 · 21/10/2022 22:37

@ MsPincher

You may not but thousands do and it's bringing more children into poverty through the feckless selfish decision of some women not all obviously but many many women make poor choices of partner

Oblomov22 · 21/10/2022 22:37

I see this a lot. In RL and MN. I dint know what the answer is.

Devoutspoken · 21/10/2022 22:37

Is it just women to blame in this judgmental scenario?