To think it’s stupid to have kids with the wrong person?

[Fannyproblemos]

I have a couple of friends and family members who actively chose to have children with men who they knew would not make good long term partners. Each of them would admit to knowing this at the time. It’s not like the men or their relationships have changed dramatically. Now they are either trapped in unhappy situations for the sake of the kids. Or they have tricky custody arrangements, which bring stress and unhappiness. Whilst I sympathise. I cannot understand at all why these attractive and wonderful women chose these men to procreate with. Knowing they were already unhappy, knowing they would in most cases not make great dads, knowing their relationships wouldn’t last. Surely it would’ve been more sensible all round to leave these rot bags and try and meet someone they do love. Even at risk of not being able to have kids? I just think it’s a really selfish move to pop out a kid because you want one, knowing you’re intentionally bringing them into an unhappy situation. We should teach younger women this is not the way to go, it’s save a lot of heartache and divorce fees all round. And these are not cases of ‘sometime it just doesn’t work out’ they all knew in there heart of hearts it was not going to work out. Madness!

I think that’s the key thing for me. I don’t believe anyone is entitled to or simply has the right to have kids because they are a woman nearing 40. I genuinely believe babies should be planned to be brought into the world into a loving family. And I live by this rule wholeheartedly myself. I will never have kids unless I meet the right guy. It seems only fair to myself, the kids, and also the guy.

Single mums do set out to provide the best for their children as do many women in relationships with men who turn out to be crap dads. That’s not womens fault if men are not good fathers

I read time and time again on here about women who have chosen to have further kids with men who they already know are shit fathers. That is on the women.

I knew a woman who was engaged to someone who was convicted for flashing (indecent exposure) at women. She still married him and had children then was surprised when he was caught again. Eventually left him.

Then moved onto a drug dealer as the next spouse.

She had a hugely damaging childhood but her life choices and parenting style were awful.

I think some people are so damaged it's difficult to change. What I've learnt is to avoid such people as they cause so much chaos and grief.

@hattie43 I am a single mother who provides for her child and works very hard! There are a lot of us out there. There are also a lot of two parent families that claim benefits too! There are also a lot of people I know that earn bundles, and claim child benefits, tax free childcare when they don't really need to. Your point is so narrow minded. There will always be people in society that make the wrong decisions... Lord knows I know many people who thought they'd married the 'right' man, and he's ended up becoming horrible, abusive and their children (and my friends) are living in a stressed, unhappy environment! This thread showcases the typical pious attitudes of certain people in society! I would LOVE to have lived a life where I made no mistakes and all the right choices. Don't forget to give us a wave from up in the ivory tower you sit in. Xxx

Wow so much judgment
You’ve been acknowledged she had a “hugely damaging childhood”

Just as well you refer to her as a woman you once knew instead of a friend

Lots of couples who seem on the surface to be happy have awful toxic relationships with their children. My parents were married (happily to outsiders) but our home life was miserable. There is nothing wrong or unhappy about single parents. As I said, outcomes for kids of single parents are just as happy as two parent families.

@StoneofDestiny what about single women who choose to have a baby through a sperm donor? Or are you only talking about single women who 'choose' the wrong partner!

Really? In many cases there will be more to it then your deeply personal and jaundiced view
so much disdain for women based on no other reason then whether they reproduce or not . See the man in this equation is escaping your withering fire

I think a lot of people would rather have a child with a useless lump Vs no child at all. How many posters do you see on MN struggling with infertility because they waited a long time.

Is the view nice from your ivory tower?

Good point about many couples claiming benefits
but that’s ok because he’s not a shit parent
😆😆😆

This. Just as women are not responsible for their child’s fathers being crap, you also don’t get to take credit for them being good. You have to be responsible for your own behavior and actions. Not someone else’s

A lot of these posts are assuming being split from your DC dad means you’re a lone parent. Some of the worst threads on here are from women who had kids with a useless arsehole that their kids have been saddled with who continues to be awful after they’ve split up. That can be far more damaging to children. Some men scarper, others remain present in one form or another and make the woman and DC lives a misery. Mum being great doesn’t limit the damage done by dad being terrible.

Absolutely loads of two parent families have shit dads and unhappy homes

I’m infertile but would rather not have a child with my wonderful husband than leave him to have a child with a useless lump.

That's your personal choice other woman don't want that for themselves. You see women opting to use a sperm donor , some don't because of the stigma and wanting the child to have some kind of father.

Of course they do. My kids did before I said enough was enough and left.

I was being deliberately facetious with regard to the footing the bill for benefits shite bring trotted out in relation to “feckless women” having kids with shit men just for the handouts

That's your personal choice other woman don't want that for themselves.

but then they can’t really complain if the useless lump turns out to be a useless father can they?

Love this thread, half of you I'd love to share a glass of wine down the pub with and have a good chin wag! The other half probably would never go into a pub because it's full of the wrong sort of people... even gastros wouldn't cut the mustard!

Depends. My sister was told she was infertile. 10 years later she fell pregnant with a friend. They'll never be together but I've never seen her happier and my nephew is beloved.

The worlds a weird place. Many women want children. Doesn't always happen the way society wants.

But I'm glad that little boy exists.

There are some pretty defensive replies on here.

I agree with you @Fannyproblemos.

There are countless threads on here from women who choose to have children with men addicted to drugs/alcohol, and they get challenged from other posters.

I don't think women can be blamed if they reach a point of thinking if I wait for a decent one I might wait for ever, and if they want children decide to do the best they can with the one they've got
Without a thought to the potential children and what damage that choice may cause them. Great start. 🙄

No. Having a baby won't make him 'better'
No. You don't have to have a baby with every boyfriend. It's not mandatory.
Yes. The signs were there, you just wanted a baby so much you decided to ignore them to the detriment of your child 🤷‍♀️

People often do stupid things. HTH

But loads of people have a shit dad regardless of whether their in a stable happy relationship or not

My friends partner goes to work, earns a good wage. Hes nice enough. Their happy enough. But he doesnt help with the children at all, doesnt spend any quality time with them and it's all ended up on the mum to everything. Those kids have a nice stable life but an absolute shit dad

My other friend has 1 child, lives with the father, again, he has a good job, they dont argue, she isnt resentful or anything. He comes home plays on his xbox and ignores the kid all night.

Both of these women are happy and stable, no proper abuse. But they have shit dada for their kids

I have a court order against my kids dad because hes abusive and violent. Hes not allowed to contact or communicate with me or my kids.

I used to feel bad they didnt have a dad then I look around me and see how shit everyone elses dad is anyway and I'm grateful my kids dont have a dad who comes home and ignores them! Despite the happy stable life those other kids seen to have they get ignored and have no proper relationship with their dads