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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dump nanny by text

264 replies

Newmum0322 · 21/10/2022 09:51

Seems harsh but let me explain. She started with us 2 weeks ago on a fixed term contract for a few months. she brings her own daughter with her which I was fine with, didn’t see any problems. My DD is 9 months, her DD is 6 months so their needs are fairly similar in terms of eating/napping/playing.

The problem is she can’t seem to take any initiative, when she feeds DD she needs me to make it up, she then proceeds to feed her own DD so I’m left feeding whilst I should be working. DD cries frequently through the day, when she wakes up early from her nap the nanny rarely gets her back down because she seeing to her own child. I never see her holding, cuddling or focusing on DD in any meaningful way.

We’re not happy with her and so we are letting her go. We have to give her notice which I’m happy to do, but don’t want to wait until her next working day, as that will prolong the length of notice. We have alternative childcare lined up.

So… AIBU to text her letting her know we know longer need her, bearing in mind length of service (she’s effectively worked only a handful of days) and the fact I’d like her gone sooner rather than later?

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 21/10/2022 11:24

Have you discussed the issue with her first and given her the chance to address it?

Brefugee · 21/10/2022 11:24

also you do know nannies talk to each other? dump this one by text and they will all know.
Good luck if you ever need to find a new one.

Original poster
Newmum0322 · 21/10/2022 11:24

mavismorpoth · 21/10/2022 11:20

You won't call her because too awkward (fair enough, I'd not want to either) but you said you don't want to wait until her next working day because it would prolong the length of service but I reckon if you won't call her you certainly won't want to fire her in person.

You want an easy way out by texting but maybe you need to take the responsivity that comes with hiring people - you also have to man up and fire them.

I'd do it on her next working day, and surely she's in a probationary period and you can let her go immediately or at least don't have to wait a certain amount of time?

Show quote history

This is fair. I really don’t want to call. But in person would be easier for me, don’t ask me why! That being said, if I don’t let her go today then that’s another session I have to pay her for, whether to actually do the job or in lieu (which I’m leaning towards)! Options then are only text, call or email…

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 21/10/2022 11:28

To be fair to you, I knew quite a few nannies for twins when I was a nanny. They managed to look after two babies just fine.

Quite a different dynamic when one is yours though. Also experienced twin nannies come at a premium. The babies will be in a routine full time which might be quite different to a lone baby's. Wouldn't work if they were only in that position part of the time. An experienced nanny should know that

2bazookas · 21/10/2022 11:31

My DD is 9 months, her DD is 6 months was always going to create a conflict of interest for her as an inexperienced mother, I'm not surprised at the way it went wrong.

However, sacking by text is just rude. At least have the grace to speak to her in person on the phone. No need to blame, just say "I'm afraid this call isn't good news, Mary. We've decided to end your contract because the babies are so close in age it just isn't working for any of us".

Obki · 21/10/2022 11:32

Options then are only text, call or email…

Why are you dragging this out so much? Anyway, I'm out. Enjoy the drama, OP.

Original poster
Newmum0322 · 21/10/2022 11:36

Ok. Lots of good suggestions. I think I’m going to call her today, let her know it just isn’t working and pay her out. We’ll have to figure out childcare!
Time to put my big girl pants on!

Thank you to everyone that commented helpful thoughts and suggestions!

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmum0322 · 21/10/2022 11:38

Obki · 21/10/2022 11:32

Options then are only text, call or email…

Why are you dragging this out so much? Anyway, I'm out. Enjoy the drama, OP.

Oh yes!! Love the drama when my baby DD is concerned! Can’t get enough.

If only I was capable of this level of rudeness… the world would be my oyster!

OP posts:
Sally99 · 21/10/2022 11:40

rocketfromthecrypt · 21/10/2022 10:02

Be an adult and ring her, then follow up in writing to confirm.

This

MsMcGonagall · 21/10/2022 11:42

You say it would be easier to write it - why not write a script for the call. This means you'll say it in the right order without bloopers and not forgetting any of the aspects.

You can even write down what you might reply to what she might reply with.

I think it's OK at such an early time to say its not working out - and it sounds like you don't see a prospect of it working out if you give feedback. Be decent about paying the notice period time cos it will buy her time to look for her next job.

Do follow up with it in writing of course.

Whether you want her to work her notice or not depends on whether you want her to do any more shifts with your baby.

LIZS · 21/10/2022 11:44

If you are worried about what to say write your points down. As an employer you have to be willing t9 have awkward conversations. Either explain that she needs to change and prioritise your dc or let her go. Could you being so available be an issue in her defaulting to her own child.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 21/10/2022 11:46

Why on EARTH did you employ a nanny who has a 6 month old baby who she is having to look after as well as YOUR 9 month old?! Confused

Obki · 21/10/2022 11:52

Newmum0322 · 21/10/2022 11:38

Oh yes!! Love the drama when my baby DD is concerned! Can’t get enough.

If only I was capable of this level of rudeness… the world would be my oyster!

Show quote history

Ok I'm back as you have decided to take action, any action, 😆

Sorry if I came across rude. I just have a feeling no call will be made today

Unicorn34 · 21/10/2022 11:56

My daughter looked after twin boys and her own baby - she got it to work. I'm not saying that this situation will as its different people and different babies, but communication is key and just texting is not really a grown up way of doing it, like being dumped I guess!

Jb2182 · 21/10/2022 11:58

DrMarciaFieldstone · 21/10/2022 10:02

Nannies with their own children never works.

I'm a nanny. I've been taking my own DD to work with me since she was 9 months (children I look after were 3 and also 9 months). I now take both my DC with me and have been with the family for 4 years. It does work.

Endlesslysurprised84 · 21/10/2022 12:00

DoubleHelix79 · 21/10/2022 11:00

To those suggesting the arrangement was doomed from the start: We have a very similar situation and it works brilliantly. Our DC was about 9 months and our nanny's DC about 6 months when she started. She looks both DC fantastically, and never once have I felt that they've been neglected in any way.

Now that they're a bit older they are lovely together and really enjoy each other's company.

A good nanny should have been able to make it work. Still, a grown up conversation should take place instead of sending a text.

But how did you feel knowing that
both seriously hurt in an accident - the nanny would likely step over your baby to reach her own

both at risk ie house fire, the nanny would prioritise reaching her own baby

both running towards a busy road, her instinct would be to pull back her own child

Januarytoes · 21/10/2022 12:03

I understand you OP. I hate calling people on the phone - to such an extent that I will drive to a place to make an appointment with the receptionist face to face rather than just call! It drives my DH mad and he says "Just CALL!" and can't understand it but I can't help it, I really hate it.

So prepare your reasons. They are totally normal and understandable and valid. Write them down and stick to your script. 2bazookas script was good and you could add in that you need a nanny to look after your baby while you work... and you ended up feeding her yourself anyway! You thought the arrangement would work but it hasn't turned out to be effective.

I was a childminder for years minding children alongside my own and it worked out fine. I took responsibility for all the children and cared for them equally and it was totally possible.
However when I cared for a child whose (convalescing) mother was present in our home, I found that very difficult.
Your nanny may be making a better job of it when you are not there. But there is no way to know and you have doubts now so you are right, can't carry on with the contract.

Muu · 21/10/2022 12:06

Honestly talk to her face to face

your alternative childcare is lined up, that’s fine, but what if that didn’t work either and your current nanny has badmouthed you to others she knows for ditching her by phone/text.

I have a nanny for my kids too, that is why I answer that way. It isn’t always easy to find someone reliable and professional when you need it. The good nannies are snapped up.

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 21/10/2022 12:16

You're not a company so you don't need notice. You can fire her on the spot. Just enter into text what you said in your OP, and then send it to her, ie:

Hello, I am very sorry to say this but I feel our arrangement isn't working out. My daughter is 9 months, yours is 6 months so their needs are fairly similar in terms of eating/napping/playing and I had no problems you bringing your child with you. However, the problem is I feel that you can’t seem to take any initiative, when you feed (insert your baby's name) you she need me to make it up, you then feed your own baby and I'm left feeding while I should be working. My baby cries frequently through the day, when she wakes up early from her nap you rarely get her back down because you're busy seeing to your own child. I never see you holding, cuddling or focusing on (baby's name) in any meaningful way.
We feel you juggling two babies is harder than we anticipated and therefore don't feel it's working out, so we are letting her go. We already have alternative childcare lined up. I am willing to transfer (pro rata amount) into your account. We hope you understand.

LIZS · 21/10/2022 12:19

Op is an employer who issued a contract, so notice or payment in lieu would apply

Gloryofthe80s · 21/10/2022 12:20

I did think of that but I know I won’t be able to articulate my reasons as clearly over the phone.

That’s your problem not hers! Call her or do it F2F. FFS!

NurseryNurse10 · 21/10/2022 12:21

Haven't had time to read through the whole thread but speaking from a childcare practitioners view and a former nanny, texting is not a good idea. Even though she hasn't been a great nanny, she is still a human being worthy of respect. It's always a good idea to end things on as positive a note as possible. That didn't happen for me and it still hurts me a year on.

lentilly · 21/10/2022 12:23

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 21/10/2022 12:16

You're not a company so you don't need notice. You can fire her on the spot. Just enter into text what you said in your OP, and then send it to her, ie:

Hello, I am very sorry to say this but I feel our arrangement isn't working out. My daughter is 9 months, yours is 6 months so their needs are fairly similar in terms of eating/napping/playing and I had no problems you bringing your child with you. However, the problem is I feel that you can’t seem to take any initiative, when you feed (insert your baby's name) you she need me to make it up, you then feed your own baby and I'm left feeding while I should be working. My baby cries frequently through the day, when she wakes up early from her nap you rarely get her back down because you're busy seeing to your own child. I never see you holding, cuddling or focusing on (baby's name) in any meaningful way.
We feel you juggling two babies is harder than we anticipated and therefore don't feel it's working out, so we are letting her go. We already have alternative childcare lined up. I am willing to transfer (pro rata amount) into your account. We hope you understand.

No that is best relayed over a phone call

bewarethetides · 21/10/2022 12:25

She was taking the piss; she clearly only took the job so she could be paid to watch and care for her own baby while ignoring yours, so just tell her you're done.

Call her and then follow up with it in writing immediately.

Dreamwhisper · 21/10/2022 12:30

I actually thing her bringing her 6 month old baby is a red herring. If you had twins, would you hire 2 nannies? Probably not.

The issue is her lack of sense regarding work and as you said, her lack of ability to take initiative. She could have them on a schedule that doesn't clash, e.g. one baby feeds or she does BLW with your 9 month old while she bottle feeds her baby, with a chair or cot ready in case your DD needs help. Or something, you get my drift anyway. At that age babies don't spend terribly long bottle feeding so it's not like she should find it impossible.