Have come to a destination birthday, now disinvited from the actual party

[NotWelcomeAtParties]

Background info so as not to drip feed: My friend, (henceforth known as “Birthday Girl” - BG) invited me to her destination birthday. She also invited my close friend (F) who she likes but doesn’t know well. The other people going all know each other from her work so she invited F along so I could have someone here too which was thoughtful and kind.

She booked accommodation for the group. The blokes (including F) were to stay in a dorm together. The hotel also has a self-enclosed villa at the top with a living room for the whole group to use and she booked that too. When arranging everything she sent a message saying she would take the master bedroom with her partner, and there was also a twin room to share and a sofa bed. She booked everything and I paid her my (equal) share for the villa.

F and I turned up a day later than everyone else. BG was out sightseeing when we arrived but some of the group were there to let us into the villa. I found out then that two other guests were in the twin room and the only place left for me was the sofa bed in the living room.

I was unhappy about this - I’m a light sleeper, teetotal right now and generally go to bed early. Being forced to stay up until nine other people (who drink) are ready to sleep is my idea of abject misery. And not being able to nap in the afternoon if I want because everyone is using the space, and not having anywhere to unpack my things.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep properly AT ALL so decided the best thing to do was just find a room elsewhere (F opted to do this too as he thought it would be awkward staying there if I wasn’t around). We found somewhere with 2 available rooms nearby and checked in.

Later, we met up with everyone for a drink and I could tell BG was upset but we couldn’t really talk properly surrounded by everyone else and I assumed we would when we got a moment alone. However, the next morning (today, which is her actual birthday) she sent me a message saying she would rather we didn’t join them for the celebrations as she is very “angry and upset”. She also said we “should feel free to move on if we wanted to” (it’s a small town, and I guess she doesn’t want to risk bumping into us.) she also said she has paid me back for my share of the villa.

We exchanged a couple of messages. I said if I’d have known in advance I would be left with the sofa I would have just arranged a separate room for myself in the same hotel. She said she had made it very clear the sofa was a possibility. But I don’t think it was clear at all. The sofa is such an unequal sleeping situation compared to the other options, wouldn’t you at least give the person stuck with it a heads up? I would have!

There’s basically been a miscommunication between us about the sleeping arrangements, but I feel I’ve sorted it out as best I can by getting a room elsewhere, which has zero negative impact on BG or anyone else (if anything, it’s a net win for everyone as I would have been grumpy as fuck sleeping on the sofa and miserable company).

It just seems so mean to disinvite us from the party. The trip has ended up costing a small fortune (south of France), and F and I are self employed and we’ve both given up work days (and earnings) to come. We chipped in together so we could get her a really good gift, and now we can’t even give it to her.

In her last message she said we need a conversation about this, but not today, implying that we will hash things out when we get back to the UK, but honestly AIBU to just say fuck it, and not bother?

I’m not wrong, am I? This is really mean?!

[Asparagoose]

She told you up front that there was a twin and a sofa for 3 of you. You accepted that. You didn’t say you wanted to reserve one of the twin beds. So YABU to turn up and complain that you got stuck with the sofa. It was clear from the beginning that one of you 3 would get the sofa and you never questioned that. The other two know each other and you turned up late - it was obvious they’d be in the twin and you’d get the sofa.

However… you tried to resolve it in a very reasonable way by getting another room. BG has been an absolute twat to ban you from the party after you’ve travelled to another country to attend. For that alone I’d end the friendship.

[latetothefisting]

@okytdvhuoo

That’s a fair point if you’re getting there the day after everyone else.

I think the friend should in hindsight have been more thoughtful about the sofa situ – letting the person who was getting the sofa know in advance and giving them the option to sort an alternative if they preferred. It seems pretty obvious that no-one’s really gonna want a sofa bed in a communal area on a party holiday (with people you don’t know!), and least of all the non-drinker of the group.

To be fair - I know you didn't know this when you posted -but OP has since updated saying she is 8 weeks pregnant which explains her "currently teetotal" comment in the OP - birthday girl presumably wasn't to know op wouldn't be drinking or wanting to go to bed early.

I personally agree that the sofa bed is the worst option but honestly lots of people either couldn't care less where they sleep or would have preferred a double sofa bed on their own to a twin bed sharing with someone they don't know (and birthday girl also had to take the other 2 people into consideration who presumably would also much rather share with each other than OP, whom neither of them know).

So don't think that birthday girl can reasonably be blamed - she made it clear at the outset there was a good chance op would be on the sofa bed, if I was her and OP didn't raise any issues at that point I'd assume she was fine with it.

[Shamoo]

She fucked up by booking accommodation that couldn’t fit everyone. A sofa in the living room isn’t a proper bed, and it certainly isn’t worth an equal share. So unless somebody pre booking said they would take it then she’s booked the wrong accommodation.

That said, you were obviously naive to think you wouldn’t get it as you were the last to arrive. Was always going to happen. But you dealt with it without a fuss if what you say is true, and at your own cost. So she’s being an utter tool. Unforgivably so, actually, given that you have spent time and money to be with her.

We once had a similar thing on a friendship trip to CP. Me and DP were due to be sharing with some friends and children in a lodge. I was midway through a miscarriage at the time of the trip and couldn’t face being in the same lodge but still wanted to go. We booked a hotel room fully at our own cost (didn’t ask for any sort of reduction on the villa or anything) but were clear we would still hang out in the lodge etc. One of our friends went crazy about it, crying etc. I messaged her (we were all travelling) and she started to give me a load of shit about moving the goalposts. I told her about the miscarriage and that shut her up. Still can’t believe what a twat she was thought as it had zero negative impact on her. People are weird.

[Yoyooo]

You should have just told her you're pregnant might need to rest at time can I have a room. YABU in my opinion.

[sugasuga]

@luxxlisbon

You are both being drama queens, birds of a feather clearly.

She did tell you about the sofa bed, you just chose to assume it couldn’t possibly be you who slept on it and it should be someone else.
You we’re rally dramatic by booking somewhere else without mentioning it and then flouncing off and not telling anyone.
She was then super dramatic in her reaction, at least she gave you the money back.

THIS!! 😂

[Sundaya]

There’s no way she can actually mean this. She probably sent that disinvite message on a stupid whim. Surely she’ll apologize. Please keep us updated on what happens.

[zingally]

Everyone's a teetotal "light sleeper" when it comes to sleeping on a sofa bed aren't they...? ;) "Oh, I can't possibly, because of XYZ."

That being said, I'm most confused about F's role in this. No way on earth would I fork out and traipse to the south of France for the birthday of a friendly acquaintance. I get "keeping you company", but that's just bizarre.

[temporarysecrettellingnamechange]

If you arrive last you get the crap option in those situations - that's just life.
Not having anywhere to put your stuff is a bit of a non-issue - it's a weekend.
Really you should have talked to her rather than booking yourself into a new hotel, it's a bit flouncy of you.
She's also being a bit of a drama queen.

[Caroffee]

If people stopped living their lives as if every event and outing was an Instagram post, some of these situations wouldn't arise. Baby showers, gender reveal parties, destination weddings and now destination birthday parties ffs. No wonder some people struggle with debt. Meanwhile, back in the real world ...

[LickThis]

She told you what the accommodation was . You arrived later than everyone else , why should that room stay empty ?
She doesn't know you are pregnant so on face value you look like you've had a strop about it

[Anon778833]

YANBU at all. She sounds vile. You paid your share and then didn’t even have your own space. I would hate that too. It’s alright for her! I can’t stand people who think they should be treated like royalty just because it’s their birthday or they’re getting married.

[Gazelda]

BTW OP, I imagine this is the sort of juicy thread that will be picked up by the press.

Just saying ...

[Sunshineandflipflops]

Me and a group of 7 friends go away once a year or so but we always book somewhere with enough beds for everyone. We still all try and get the best room/room with twin beds rather than a double, etc but we know we all at least have a bed. Actually, this year one person ended up on the sofa but that was her choice.

I wouldn't have paid the same as everyone else for a sofa bed in a communal area but it sounds as though you knew this would be a possibility before you went. I also wouldn't pick a sofa bed over a proper bed if I got there first.

[fuckinghorgel]

@User0610134057

Gosh sorry my first reaction was you were precious about the sofa bed. Why should you be more entitled to a bed in the twin room than someone else? Did you expect those who got there first to sleep on the sofa bed and leave the twin room for the person who was coming a night later?
if it was a deal breaker for you you should she said so.

Sorry op, I agree with this. Isn't it obvious what whoever got there last was going to get the sofa?

If it was a dealbreaker for you you should have said so before the trip.

[lanthanum]

When she told you the sleeping arrangements, that was the time to discuss things. It seems fairly inevitable if the other girls know each other better and you were arriving late that they would take the twin room. I'm not sure why you just assumed that you wouldn't be the one on the sofa. You needed to say then that you wouldn't cope with the sofa bed; there would have been time then to agree on you being in the twin room, or think about the logistics of you staying elsewhere.
It's over-reaction to disinvite you, but I can understand why she felt she'd told you the arrangements.

[RandomCatGenerator]

@SapphosRock

Yea she is being U.

However sorting all this stuff is stressful.

I imagine from her point of view she'd said the sofa may be a possibility, you hadn't said anything at the time, some people already at the villa chose the room over the sofa (obviously).

You then turn up a day late and expect there to be a room saved and ready for you so you can have some nice naps in the afternoon and some early nights. Sounds like your expectations were also a little high.

This.

You are both being unreasonable.

[Snowpatrolsnowpatrol]

@Derbee

It was made clear that there was a sofa bed for someone to have to sleep on. I’d say it’s pretty obvious that the last person to arrive is likely to have to sleep on it

This.


But you absolutely should not have been uninvited from the party. That was rude and unless she’s going to reimburse you for lost earnings, I would tell her this.

By the way it’s a bit much to have asked/accepted any contribution from F for a gift to your friend who is a stranger to him.

You should have spoken to her/returned to the villa after her trip to explain you booked elsewhere.

She has accommodated you by inviting your friend, including him, and you have essentially walked out because somebody who was there for the first night slept in the otherwise empty bed you had decided you wanted?

There are two of you at fault here.

[okytdvhuoo]

@Caroffee

If people stopped living their lives as if every event and outing was an Instagram post, some of these situations wouldn't arise. Baby showers, gender reveal parties, destination weddings and now destination birthday parties ffs. No wonder some people struggle with debt. Meanwhile, back in the real world ...

Maybe they’re just enjoying their lives! It’s fun to go on holiday with friends yano! :P

[RandomCatGenerator]

@fuckinghorgel

Sorry op, I agree with this. Isn't it obvious what whoever got there last was going to get the sofa?

If it was a dealbreaker for you you should have said so before the trip.

Completely agree with this.

[mellicauli]

Take comfort in the fact that at least you've been spared her wedding which would be a million times worse!

[Youdoyoutoday]

You don't pay an equal share of a villa and get the sofa bed especially when everyone is going to being using that living room for pre dinner drinks and then most definitely afterwards to carry on partying!

Pregnancy aside because BG didn't know about it, she's unreasonable to not find larger accommodation then get upset with you and uninvite you, it's so childish!

[Sunshineandflipflops]

Also, she didn't know you are pregnant and not drinking and would want early nights and naps. That's not very usual behaviour when you go on a group holiday!

[RoachTheHorse]

I'd I was going to an abroad destination birthday and we'd booked a villa I would expect a bed per person not a sofa bed. Do some of you seriously think anyone would think otherwise?

[Arenanewbie]

Why didn’t you discuss sleeping arrangements beforehand? I won’t leave my house without checking where exactly I’m going to sleep. It’s obvious that the last person will get the worst bed.
I actually think that you were the one who started miscommunication. You came later, probably said something and moved straight away elsewhere without some sort of explanation to BG. Maybe someone repeated her something you’ve said and out of the context it didn’t looked nice. She gave you money for the accommodation back so in a way she tried to be fair she was hurt because she thought that you didn’t want to be with them. You’ve messaged her later but it probably looked like an excuse. She didn’t know about your pregnancy or light sleepiness and she said about sofa bed in advance so in her view she did everything she could, she even invited your friend.

[NotWelcomeAtParties]

On a separate note I am intrigued about you going on holiday with F (male) who isn't the father of your baby? What's the deal there?

LOL.

My male friend is gay. We travel together all the time and DH is fine with that.