Have come to a destination birthday, now disinvited from the actual party

[NotWelcomeAtParties]

Background info so as not to drip feed: My friend, (henceforth known as “Birthday Girl” - BG) invited me to her destination birthday. She also invited my close friend (F) who she likes but doesn’t know well. The other people going all know each other from her work so she invited F along so I could have someone here too which was thoughtful and kind.

She booked accommodation for the group. The blokes (including F) were to stay in a dorm together. The hotel also has a self-enclosed villa at the top with a living room for the whole group to use and she booked that too. When arranging everything she sent a message saying she would take the master bedroom with her partner, and there was also a twin room to share and a sofa bed. She booked everything and I paid her my (equal) share for the villa.

F and I turned up a day later than everyone else. BG was out sightseeing when we arrived but some of the group were there to let us into the villa. I found out then that two other guests were in the twin room and the only place left for me was the sofa bed in the living room.

I was unhappy about this - I’m a light sleeper, teetotal right now and generally go to bed early. Being forced to stay up until nine other people (who drink) are ready to sleep is my idea of abject misery. And not being able to nap in the afternoon if I want because everyone is using the space, and not having anywhere to unpack my things.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep properly AT ALL so decided the best thing to do was just find a room elsewhere (F opted to do this too as he thought it would be awkward staying there if I wasn’t around). We found somewhere with 2 available rooms nearby and checked in.

Later, we met up with everyone for a drink and I could tell BG was upset but we couldn’t really talk properly surrounded by everyone else and I assumed we would when we got a moment alone. However, the next morning (today, which is her actual birthday) she sent me a message saying she would rather we didn’t join them for the celebrations as she is very “angry and upset”. She also said we “should feel free to move on if we wanted to” (it’s a small town, and I guess she doesn’t want to risk bumping into us.) she also said she has paid me back for my share of the villa.

We exchanged a couple of messages. I said if I’d have known in advance I would be left with the sofa I would have just arranged a separate room for myself in the same hotel. She said she had made it very clear the sofa was a possibility. But I don’t think it was clear at all. The sofa is such an unequal sleeping situation compared to the other options, wouldn’t you at least give the person stuck with it a heads up? I would have!

There’s basically been a miscommunication between us about the sleeping arrangements, but I feel I’ve sorted it out as best I can by getting a room elsewhere, which has zero negative impact on BG or anyone else (if anything, it’s a net win for everyone as I would have been grumpy as fuck sleeping on the sofa and miserable company).

It just seems so mean to disinvite us from the party. The trip has ended up costing a small fortune (south of France), and F and I are self employed and we’ve both given up work days (and earnings) to come. We chipped in together so we could get her a really good gift, and now we can’t even give it to her.

In her last message she said we need a conversation about this, but not today, implying that we will hash things out when we get back to the UK, but honestly AIBU to just say fuck it, and not bother?

I’m not wrong, am I? This is really mean?!

[Youdoyoutoday]

Destination birthday party? Twattery at its finest!

BG is being completely stupid!

[3ShotsOfEspresso]

She is an absolute tool. Selfish baby.

[Badger1970]

So you were a day later arriving, but expected two people to be sleeping on a sofa bed leaving a room empty for you?

Sorry but I think YABU here. She's over reacted but she's probably a bit pissed off.

[JustCleaningtheBBQ]

I don't understand why she didn't book accommodation big enough for everyone to have their own room in the first place? No one wants to sleep on a sofa bed in the living room.

[MargaretThursday]

Why didn't you say to one of the others that you were really tired and would they mind if you had a nap on one of their beds? I bet they'd have said "go ahead".

[memyselfi]

She didn't book accommodation with a sufficient number of bedrooms.
Entirely a problem of her own making.

[latetothefisting]

@xogossipgirlxo

Do you really need such friend in your life? You booked your annual leave, spent your money on the flight, gift (I guess), covered all the expenses while you could have used this money and time on something/someone else. In return you can kiss her ass, because she's "angry and upset". Ditch this princess.

Um...have you heard the mn saying "it's an invite not a summons!"
Op made it clear she was happy to have been invited on the holiday and wasn't attending under any sort of pressure or guilt trip!

I don't get this mn rationale that any holidays booked with anyone outside your immediate family are you doing someone else a huge favour by honouring them with your presence - whatever the reason for a holiday - a birthday, hen party etc. - it's still a holiday and therefore spending money and annual leave on it is completely normal and hardly putting yourself out unreasonably!

If I'm invited somewhere and don't want to go I say no, if I do want to go, then I go and have fun but don't act like I'm only there as a favour!

[User0610134057]

Gosh sorry my first reaction was you were precious about the sofa bed. Why should you be more entitled to a bed in the twin room than someone else? Did you expect those who got there first to sleep on the sofa bed and leave the twin room for the person who was coming a night later?
if it was a deal breaker for you you should she said so.

[Hardbackwriter]

I can see why she thought it was obvious that you would know it was likely you'd get the sofa bed - not only did you arrive last, the other two also know each other well and you don't. It would have been quite weird for you to share the room with one of them while another slept in the living room. And actually in that situation I'm not sure sharing a room with an acquaintance is actually so clearly a superior option to having the sofa bed.

That said, I think how she's handled it now is very rude. I probably would have eye-rolled and thought you were being a bit of a pain but as you say you didn't actually put anyone else out. Assuming you weren't rude in the way you said you were going to go elsewhere, or unpleasant to the other guests who had the bed you wanted, then she has now put herself firmly in the wrong.

[Pixiedust1234]

When you said you paid your equal share of the villa, did you mean half? Is so then I would expect the other bedroom at the very least. I wonder how much the others have paid for their "share" of the villa 🤔

[Krustykrabpizza]

@TwitTw00

She's completely unreasonable in her response (and in having a 'destination birthday' to be honest) and whoever got the sofa should have paid a lot less but I agree with her that the sofa was clearly a possibility. Why did you not confirm that you'd have one of the twin beds before you went if you felt so strongly about it? Why do you think any of the other guests would want to sleep on the sofa any more than you would? You must have realised there was a 1 in 3 chance you'd end up in the sofa.

I agree with this. You were the last to arrive as well so why would you assume you were getting one of the twin beds?

Her behaviour is outrageous though, I would struggle to forgive being banished from a birthday abroad that I had paid to attend

[SarahSissions]

You can’t pay a share of accommodation and then be given a sofa. She’s batshit, there’s nothing to hash out

[LifeInAHamsterWheel]

This bit popped out for me "Especially as the three of us (in twin and on sofa) paid an equal share"
Does this mean that 2 other people paid and were in the twin room when you arrived? Surely it's just better for everyone if one person is on the sofa bed and 2 people are in the twin room? It just makes more sense that way. Plus, you arrived late.
I think that maybe your reaction wasn't great and the friends have reported this back to BG.
Sounds like you're both at fault here tbh. If she's a good long-standing friend then I'd really try to sort it out now and get back on track for the rest of your break.

[7eleven]

She’s being a diva but, given nobody knows you’re pregnant, so are you for assuming you’d get a room.

[Caroffee]

No way. If you are no longer invited to the party despite spending ££££, then the friendship is over. The BG is a CF who probably still expects her birthday gift when you are all back in the UK. I would return it for a refund if at all possible.

[SnarkyBag]

I wouldn’t invite people on a weekend away, expect them to pay their share and then put someone on a sofa bed in the communal lounge.
I would find accommodation that gives everyone a bed in a bedroom. If I couldn’t then I’d have asked for volunteers for the sofa bed and suggested they pay significantly less than everyone else.

that being said in your shoes knowing that a sofa bed was going to have to be someone’s bed I’d have realised that as the last to turn up a day later it would likely be mine and would have raised the issue sooner!

I think disappearing to alternative accommodation before she got back probably felt a bit of a middle finger and dampened the mood but disinviting you altogether was OTT on her part and probably not something I could come back from in a friendship.

[Hardbackwriter]

@JustCleaningtheBBQ

I don't understand why she didn't book accommodation big enough for everyone to have their own room in the first place? No one wants to sleep on a sofa bed in the living room.

I've been on lots of holidays where some of the guests end up sleeping on sofa beds because it's either too expensive or just not possible to book accommodation for a big group in that destination where everyone has their own room.

[Whistlesandbell]

She overreacted.
You must have known you had one third chance of being on the sofa bed and as you arrived a day late the proper beds would be taken.

[SapphosRock]

Just saw your update that you are 8 weeks pregnant (congratulations) bit of a drip feed but in that case just tell friend, swear her to secrecy and explain that is why you were tired and emotional and booked your own place. It explains a lot. She isn't psychic.

On a separate note I am intrigued about you going on holiday with F (male) who isn't the father of your baby? What's the deal there?

[wordler]

I think her reaction is unreasonable - unless some of the others have claimed you made a big fuss and were upset and made them uncomfortable. You don't know what she has been told yet.

But you should have known you were probably getting the sofa bed if you were arriving a day later than everyone else. Or you should have made it clear before going that you would not be able to manage the sofa bed and were happy to both contribute to the villa + get a room elsewhere if necessary.

However her disinviting reaction was very childish.

[BrieAndChilli]

i really dont see how you could have thought you would be in the twin room - you said all the other people know eachother from work - so they are obviously going to choose to share with each other rather than a 'stranger', they were there a day before you (so its often first dibs on things like this) and you knew one of the 3 of you were going to have to sleep on the sofa so with the above info i would have assumed it was going to be me and addressed it before the trip!!
What makes you think one of the other 2 should have been on the sofa instead of you?

[WizardOfUK]

When she eventually talks to you about it, let her have her say and then I'd let rip, with exactly what you said in your op, plus it's cost you a small fortune and that she's being a spoilt brat expecting everyone to dance to her tune. You've only got yourself a room to sleep in, not single handedly burnt down the hotel and ruined her whole trip.

[luxxlisbon]

You are both being drama queens, birds of a feather clearly.

She did tell you about the sofa bed, you just chose to assume it couldn’t possibly be you who slept on it and it should be someone else.
You we’re rally dramatic by booking somewhere else without mentioning it and then flouncing off and not telling anyone.
She was then super dramatic in her reaction, at least she gave you the money back.

[gannett]

While I think it would have been a better idea to say you didn't want the sofa bed at the point it became clear that was an option, the birthday girl's gigantic overreaction would put this firmly in friendship-ending territory for me. It might have been reasonable for her to be a bit miffed but nothing that couldn't have been sorted with a chat. It was absolutely not reasonable for her to go ballistic and disinvite you.

Does she have history of being hard work?

I would concentrate on having a lovely break with F now and would not feel under any obligation to continue the friendship with BG.

[Folklore9074]

Silly to disinvite you, childish even but at the same time you did know the sofa was a possibility and these things go on a first come first served basis and you arrived late. I think everyone involved could have handled this better.