Have come to a destination birthday, now disinvited from the actual party

[NotWelcomeAtParties]

Background info so as not to drip feed: My friend, (henceforth known as “Birthday Girl” - BG) invited me to her destination birthday. She also invited my close friend (F) who she likes but doesn’t know well. The other people going all know each other from her work so she invited F along so I could have someone here too which was thoughtful and kind.

She booked accommodation for the group. The blokes (including F) were to stay in a dorm together. The hotel also has a self-enclosed villa at the top with a living room for the whole group to use and she booked that too. When arranging everything she sent a message saying she would take the master bedroom with her partner, and there was also a twin room to share and a sofa bed. She booked everything and I paid her my (equal) share for the villa.

F and I turned up a day later than everyone else. BG was out sightseeing when we arrived but some of the group were there to let us into the villa. I found out then that two other guests were in the twin room and the only place left for me was the sofa bed in the living room.

I was unhappy about this - I’m a light sleeper, teetotal right now and generally go to bed early. Being forced to stay up until nine other people (who drink) are ready to sleep is my idea of abject misery. And not being able to nap in the afternoon if I want because everyone is using the space, and not having anywhere to unpack my things.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep properly AT ALL so decided the best thing to do was just find a room elsewhere (F opted to do this too as he thought it would be awkward staying there if I wasn’t around). We found somewhere with 2 available rooms nearby and checked in.

Later, we met up with everyone for a drink and I could tell BG was upset but we couldn’t really talk properly surrounded by everyone else and I assumed we would when we got a moment alone. However, the next morning (today, which is her actual birthday) she sent me a message saying she would rather we didn’t join them for the celebrations as she is very “angry and upset”. She also said we “should feel free to move on if we wanted to” (it’s a small town, and I guess she doesn’t want to risk bumping into us.) she also said she has paid me back for my share of the villa.

We exchanged a couple of messages. I said if I’d have known in advance I would be left with the sofa I would have just arranged a separate room for myself in the same hotel. She said she had made it very clear the sofa was a possibility. But I don’t think it was clear at all. The sofa is such an unequal sleeping situation compared to the other options, wouldn’t you at least give the person stuck with it a heads up? I would have!

There’s basically been a miscommunication between us about the sleeping arrangements, but I feel I’ve sorted it out as best I can by getting a room elsewhere, which has zero negative impact on BG or anyone else (if anything, it’s a net win for everyone as I would have been grumpy as fuck sleeping on the sofa and miserable company).

It just seems so mean to disinvite us from the party. The trip has ended up costing a small fortune (south of France), and F and I are self employed and we’ve both given up work days (and earnings) to come. We chipped in together so we could get her a really good gift, and now we can’t even give it to her.

In her last message she said we need a conversation about this, but not today, implying that we will hash things out when we get back to the UK, but honestly AIBU to just say fuck it, and not bother?

I’m not wrong, am I? This is really mean?!

The fawning over F on this thread is so cringe to read. He sounds like a standard issue good mate with some very cheesy lines.

So @NotWelcomeAtParties you’re not in the wrong to feel put out to be disinvited to the party. Perhaps both you and BG are guilty of miscommunication but considering you took off work, paid for flights, transfers, paid for accommodation at the villa AND did not ask for the reimbursement, BG could have and should have asked you why you were in another accommodation before disinviting you. So on that front, no YANBU.

you can turn this into a learning experience to check things out fully when making travel plans and the like.

@NotWelcomeAtParties, what kind of friend did you consider this person? Clearly not a good one! Why wouldn't it matter to her that you would be tired and would need proper rest? If I were you, I would block her on EVERYTHING and I would have a good time and then leave! She is NOT a good friend, nor is she a good person! You came all that way JUST for her and you're a grown adult and being relegated to sleeping on the COUCH just because you were late, is not OK! YOU have to stop allowing toxic people in your life! Let this be a lesson to you and cut her off COMPLETELY! She is NOT a friend!

In RL I don't know anyone who merrily ships their kids off to the GPs instead of using childcare either. But if it's about money to you congrats I guess on not parting with a penny. Get what you pay for in my experience. Time with GPs is worth every penny lol.

Ooh I got excited and hoped there was an update!
Hope you are ok OP, please do come back and update us when you do talk to BG

@Onlyforcake I think you're on the wrong thread

I have just come across this thread (don’t know why, algorithms 🤣) and you had promised an update. So, did your friendship survive?

Her reaction is unreasonable if you are being truthful around your reactions (ie you didn't make a fuss and be rude). However if you required a certain room due to your sleeping patterns you should have been clear about it. You turned up late and I would expect to have what was left over. In future as you have specific sleeping requirements make that clear. Although why she is being difficult now I don't know.

Just read the whole of OPs responses. Sounds like both of you react to things in the same way. You throw your toys out the pram first and think later. You have both done the same here and are both as bad as each other. You were annoyed about the sleeping arrangements (I won't say sofa bed) and made that clear and left without telling her leaving her friends to which may have embarrassed and upset her. She was upset and reacted by disinviting you then changed her mind later. You have both been childish.

Why has this old thread been dug up from it's grave?

Because I asked for the promised update from the OP 😁😁

Tbh I would have expected this too. Also, did you tell her before you went ahead and booked elsewhere? Personally I think its rude not to at least tell the person you're thinking of doing that to gauge the situation. She probably sees it that your friend, who was only invited to keep you company, had a perfectly adequate room and there was only a certain number of beds in the villa one of which was the sofa and kinda obvious you'd end up with it when you are single and arrived a day late. Then if you just arrived, perhaps made it obvious you were unhappy, and upped and left to book elsewhere it probably looked like you were being unreasonable. Not sure if that is how it played out it just seems that way from the OP. Rather than waiting til she was back, discussing it like adults, and posing the option of going elsewhere. If you didn't want the risk of a sofa bed it probably wouldve been sensible to check how many people were sharing the villa and make clear you didn't want the sofa so that either one of the twin was saved for.you or a different villa booked. Its normal IMHO for people who get there first to take the best bed options.